Conservative

I’ve been thinking about this post for a very long time.  I’ve sat down to write it before, and felt like I wasn’t sure I could really do it justice, so decided not to write it.

I find it really odd that so many people call themselves “Conservative” yet live a life and support ideals that are definitely not conservative.

I’m not sure if people *wish* they were conservative, *want* to be conservative, or just simply aren’t even sure what conservative means, and so they identify themselves in that way, but honestly are very liberal.

I looked up the word CONSERVATIVE in the dictionary. Here is what I found.

CONSERVATIVE: disposed to preserve existing conditions, institutions, etc., or to restore traditional ones, and to limit change.

On the grounds of the definition, I’m not sure why those who are in support of abortion, gay marriage, no marriage, removing prayer from school, feminism, female pastors, equal gender roles in marriage, and other non-traditional, new institutions, and continually changing conditions would align themselves with the “conservative” title.

Just for the sake of helping explain this point.  I also looked up LIBERAL and here is what I found.

LIBERAL: favorable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs.

Please understand before I take on WAY more than intended in this post, I am NOT DEBATING RIGHT AND WRONG in this post.  I don’t want an onslaught of opinions about abortion, gay marriage, female pastors, or any other conservative stance.  I’m not trying to debate issues AT ALL!

I just want to point out that what was once a true conservative stance, has become very blurry.  And conservative has become almost the “wrong” word to use because now, conservative has been reformed to be much broader a word than its actual definition.

I think this happened because liberal was such a strong word, and people felt like they were more conservative than liberal, so when given the choice, they choose conservative.

And to be honest, I write about this because I see the same thing happening with the word CHRISTIANITY.

It’s a lot broader word than it was when Jesus first rose from the dead.

Those who do not follow the principles of scripture often still say they follow Christianity.  Those who believe we should make up our own commandments to abide by, still say they follow Christianity.  Those who are liberal to change what is wrote in the Bible, still say they follow Christianity.

For some reason, this compels me not to call myself conservative or a Christian without getting into a conversation about what that really means to me.

Maybe this is God’s way of helping me share the gospel???

Practical Application:

Listen for the words conservative, liberal and Christianity and see if you also find that they are extremely broad words with very little exact meaning anymore.

Ask yourself what this means to you?

Resolved!

OK – I believe I have it fixed and working now. Again, I’m SO SO SO sorry for the emails and annoying updates!

Don’t want you to miss the original post! Since it was just updated, it isn’t going to send another email or show back on the newsfeed for today. So be sure to go to my page and scroll down to read the post “Getting to know my Readers!” I’m looking forward to the results!!

Thanks,
Kayla

Getting to know my Readers!

It never ceases to amaze me that people follow my blog! Seriously, it so humbling that I even have one follower, let alone hundreds. When I read through the comments and private emails, I’m BLOWN AWAY at what God is doing with my lessons, thoughts, stories, trials, victories, and testimony to build relationships, encourage others, and help people feel like they’re not alone!

I wish so much I could meet all of you in person. I’d love to hear your stories, laugh & cry with you, and just enjoy fellowship with the awesome friends I’ve made online!

However, I guess a poll will have to do for now to help me get to know my readers a little better!

If you are willing to comment and share a little more personally on top of answering the poll questions, I’d be honored to hear from you! I’m so glad you all read along and I appreciate each one of you for your support!

Technical Issues!

I’m so sorry for the two emails to a new post with links that aren’t working!

I’m having a few technical glitches I’m trying to work out.

I hope to have it fixed and working this afternoon.

So sorry for the annoying inconvenience!!!!!!

Thanks,
Kayla

A mindset adjustment.

For the first nine or so years of my marriage, I spent a lot of time on wasted arguments.

The discussion (because it never started as an argument) would start by my expressing an opinion of how I felt about something. Sometimes my opinions were based on experience, sometimes perception, sometimes convictions, sometimes struggles, and sometimes enjoyment.

The thing about an opinion is that they are formed out of what we believe is true, or should be true.
No one ever forms an opinion on the grounds that, I don’t really believe this or this is obviously wrong, but I’m going to make up this opinion anyway.

What did this mean for our discussions?

Simply put, if my husband was of the same opinion, it meant intimacy. And if he was of a different opinion, it meant an escalated discussion into an argument.

Many years went by before I realized that the reason the discussion escalated so drastically and intensely was because I instantly didn’t care *what* we were discussing anymore, and actually was now upset because I couldn’t change his opinion and I felt it was wrong. Or that he wasn’t as spiritual as I was. Or that he didn’t care about my feelings as much as I thought he should. Or that he didn’t have the priorities he should.

I’ll give you a real life scenario.

For years, my husband and I would argue about the television. The minute he hit the door, it was turned on. And it wasn’t turned off until the sleep timer turned it off after he had fallen asleep.

I hate television. I think it steals family time. I think it brings temptation into the home. I think it desensitizes us to sin. I think it makes what is very wrong with the world, seem funny and humorous. I think it allows men to lust even with their wives sitting beside them. And it causes women to struggle with body image. I think it often portrays men as stupid and weak. And women as superior and worthy of leaving their husbands. I feel lit brings in foul language and rude talk.

I don’t find it entertaining and I struggle deeply with some of those above things I mentioned.

I don’t love the TV being on, but the bigger problem was that I felt like my husband should feel/say/do/think/act a certain way, and he wasn’t, and I became very judgmental and prideful.

This same scenario played out in a number of ways in my marriage, not just with television.

It took me a long time to realize the fighting would stop when I looked at my own sin, and when I accepted a mindset adjustment.

Just because my husband doesn’t have my same opinions DOES NOT mean he’s WRONG, LESS SPIRITUAL, UNLOVING, SELFISH, or PROUD.

What if he was of the mindset that I had to agree to all his opinions?

And if I am right and he needs convicted of something, I am not going to be successful at that. I can’t play the Holy Spirit. In fact, my “help” is almost always going to slow the process down and interfere with what the Holy Spirit is trying to do.

I know it’s really hard to accept differences. And sometimes it really hurts. I want my husband to hate things that are a temptation or struggle for me. I want him to have the same priorities I do so my feelings don’t get hurt. And I want to feel like we agree on everything because that gives me a boost of intimacy in the relationship.
But when he has a different opinion, that does not mean he’s sinning against me.

However, what I do with my disappointment or hurt, can cause me to sin against him.

I am not perfect, and I still struggle in this area. It’s a daily dying to self (especially for women) to keep this part of our life pure and holy.

But thankfully now, most of the time, I am able to hold my tongue and redirect my thoughts more easily since I’ve seen my sin and want to live a more righteous life before my husband and before God. And I catch myself more quickly when I do stumble.

Practical Application:

Evaluate your disagreements. Are they opinion or factual based arguments? Are you upset with the problem or the fact that he doesn’t agree with you? Is your husband sinning, or just disagreeing with your standards/priorities? (That’s a tough question and often hurts our feelings when we really face it.)

Adjust your mindset. Allow for different opinions. Choose your words more wisely. Avoid discussions that turn the topic in a negative light. Focus on what you do agree on and both enjoy. Remember that pride, judgment, disrespect, and hurtful words ARE sins against your husband so in your anger or disappointment, do not sin.

Pray. If you really feel like something needs changed – ask God to convict your husband or change his opinion. The Holy Spirit can do a work you can NEVER do on your own. Trust God to work if the work needs done.

Mother’s Day

At 6:35 AM I heard my second oldest son Lincoln (age 6 – in Kindergarten) come down the stairs and sit in the chair. I was awake and about to get up anyway, so after about three more minutes, I got up and went out to see him. I asked him the same thing I ask every morning. “What would you like for breakfast Linc?” He says, “Um, I’ll take oatmeal.” I said “OK” and started off to the kitchen. He speaks up “Wait Mama, I have something for you.” I turn back around, “what’s that buddy?” To which he pulls out from under him a Mother’s Day card he made at school.

It was REALLY and I do mean REALLY good!

So I hugged him, kissed him and told him I loved him.

Now I’m sitting here and my mind is going a million miles an hour. First of all, he’s so much like me, and yet has more patience than I do.

For example. We have a flag pole at our new house, so the first week we were here, I went online and bought my husband an MSU flag to fly and thought, this will make a great Father’s Day present. The day is came (Monday May 6th) I opened it, hung it outside, took a picture and sent it to him. I couldn’t wait!!
I love giving so much that I can’t buy presents until the day before because I can’t wait to give them.

Lincoln has that same giving heart. He wanted to give me that card so bad that he remembered ALL on his own, to bring it down with him FIRST THING on Sunday morning. Yet, he’s unlike me, and SO much more like his dad in that, if he was like me, I’d have seen that card Friday night after school!

I love the mix he has of the both of us! I love his giving heart. And I love that he can wait, so he doesn’t end up having to buy more gifts all the time because he already used up what he bought for say Father’s Day this year!!

And then I’m thinking about each of my other 3 children and their personalities, gifts, and challenging moments and giving thanks for each of their wonderful lives!
Each one of them is a mix of both Josh and I in some way and they have our good habits and traits and even some of our bad habits and traits. (We need to work on that!)

And then there is a part of my heart that takes time on this day to think about the three babies that we never met but were a hope and joy to us for a short time.
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that as life goes on and we get busier and busier with each passing day, they don’t cross my mind every day. And I think that’s part of how we heal. If I was constantly still mourning the loss of them, I wouldn’t be able to go on and live the rest of the life God has called me to live.

I do wonder often if they were boys or girls. How would they have changed the dynamic of our family? They’d all be even closer in age then they are now! What day would they have been born? What traits would they have? Would any of them have had dark hair like my son Jaxon does? What names would we have agreed on? I always wished we’d have named them, but I struggled not knowing their gender to feel like it was a real name. I didn’t want something fake to say they were named. I wanted the names to be real. Because they were real.

And then I also think, the reality that we wouldn’t have met Jaxon or Marisa is also there. And I love them so. They are a perfect addition to our family and I’m so glad God gave them to us.

I know that through the journey of losing the three children we lost, I learned much about who God is and that He is in control, and I am not. That He is sovereign and His will is always done. That He is good and can be trusted.
I grew in patience and faith. I finally understood mercy in a way I never grasped before that time. I let go of the idol of control and allowed myself to let God lead and learn to accept that I am not my own god who can orchestrate life by my own accord or by my own will. I started to really seek God and dive deeply in His word to understand Him more and put His promises in my heart so I understood the end goal. And to the surprise of many, It is NOT happiness in this life.

Those babies changed me for a life time, even though, they were only a part of us for a few weeks. They still matter. They had purpose. They were wanted. They were loved. They were given and taken by a God who knew exactly what He was doing to bring Himself glory and to make my husband and I more holy.

I can’t wait to meet those 3 faces in Heaven and get some of the answers I can’t have here. Until then, even though I hardly say this, I often say “My four children” today I am so thankful and greatful or all seven of my children and the impact they have on my life.

Practical Application:

Do you have a baby in Heaven?

How did they change your life?

I’d love for you to share in the comments today so we can all remember our babies together this Mother’s Day!

Always say something.

Situations arise in life when I’m tempted to be at a total loss for words.

* Sometimes it’s because the situation is so devastating, I feel like any words I offer will still just be pathetic at best to fix anything.

* Other times it’s because I’ve never experienced a similar situation before so I don’t even know how I’d feel to know what to say to someone else.

* Then there are the times when I feel like I don’t know the person well enough to say anything.

* And still yet, the times when I’m too busy forming an opinion about the person or the situation to put aside my own judgments and just accept them in the moment.

Ouch. That last one stings a little.

I know many people who have refused to attend a funeral because they just didn’t know what to say.

Or who avoid phone calls because they feel inadequate to offer any help.

Or who just disappear from people’s lives because the fear of saying the wrong thing seems greater than trying to help someone through life.

And even those who remain silent because they’ve down played the situation with prideful thoughts like “I wouldn’t do it that way, I would have, if it was ME, they shouldn’t have, it’s sad that they, if they were smart they’d….”

Here’s the thing, when someone is opening up and sharing with you, no matter what the situation – SAY SOMETHING!

Yes, there are wrong things to say. I’m not advising you throw all wisdom out and just start being a blabbing fool.

FOR EXAMPLE:

You should never tell someone who has lost someone “eh, you’ll get over it with time.”

Or someone who has just been diagnosed with an illness “oh no, you’re going to miss your grandchildren growing up if you die.”

Or someone who had a miscarriage “it’s OK. There was probably something wrong with the baby and you wouldn’t want a special needs child.”

Or someone whose house was just foreclosed on “well, if you would have eaten more ramen noodles instead of other food maybe you wouldn’t be in this situation.”

When someone is opening up, it’s not an invitation to judge. It’s a cry for support, love, prayers, understanding, empathy, sympathy, and compassion.

Believe it or not, I actually believe it’s worse to remain silent, than not to have the perfect magical words.

There have been times in my life when people didn’t know what to say, and maybe even fumbled over their words, or said very little. But I always appreciated that they were trying to love me in the midst of my hurting.

Things that are always good to say:

I’m sorry.

This must be so hard.

I’ve never been in your shoes but I’m here for you, even if that just means crying together.

Life is so hard.

I can’t wait until Heaven when there is no more trials or pain.

I’m praying for you.

Can we pray together right now?

I love you.

My heart is breaking for you.

I’d like to help with clothes, food, rides to treatment (whatever the needs are)

Saying nothing can leave the person feeling along, judged, embarrassed or ashamed.

And in the middle of someone hurting whether it’s self-induced or an unpredictable tragedy – it is very important how we respond.

Practical Application:

No matter what, when someone is opening up to me – SAY SOMETHING! Always respond. And always do it in love.