Ever felt that?
We women are infamous for this feeling. Seriously.
If you have siblings, it started there. Fight, fight, fight all day long about everything and anything, on top of complain, complain, complain mostly to your parents, but also any friend who will listen. And then it happens… “Did you just say something about my sister? How dare you? Uh uh, I can say whatever I want about my brother but don’t you DARE talk about him like that.”
If you don’t have siblings, then your first memorable experiences follow feeling this way toward your parents. Maybe we even accidentally (or not so accidentally) uttered the words growing up “I hate you Mom” “I wish you weren’t my Father.”
We didn’t really mean it of course. But death to our wants is really tough, and it’s so much easier to hate the rule enforcer in the moment than accept that we aren’t going to get what we want.
This morphs into friendships and is often why women don’t have life long friends. They can’t stop the comparing and complaining and sooner or later, it comes back to bite them in the butt. “Why yes, I did say those things about you with another friend, but you weren’t suppose to find out I thought that.” Ya see, I love you as a dear friend, I just don’t like all the decisions you make and I prefer being able to judge you for them and talk about them with others who agree with me.
At some point in life, typically in one’s 20’s, a girl starts dating a boy who ends up being THE boy. Oh honey does she like this guy. In fact, she loves him and wants to have his babies. He’s dreamy, funny, exciting, romantic, interesting and interested in her and she can’t get enough of him. The wedding planning is a fairytale in real life.
And then the dating ends and the married life begins. All the sudden he’s not quite as constantly dreamy as he once was. Sometimes he is, and then there are other times when he’s the most frustrating person on the planet. What happened to the romantic, fascinated with your every move, man that you dated disappear to? And is he ever coming back?
This is where a large number of marriages go astray.
Remember that childish desire “to be more mad at your parents than accepting that you aren’t going to get what you want” teenage self? Well, she’s back. Only now, she’s looking at her husbands sins, imperfections, short-comings, and differences with a magnifying glass and she hardly sees that she even has any faults at all compared to him.
Guess what ladies. He knows.
The beginning of the book “Love and Respect” by Dr. Eggrichs (a must read) shares a truth that most men in counseling when asked “Does your wife love you?” Will answer “Yes, of course she does. She just doesn’t like me.”
Your husband knows when you think you’re better than him. When you think you sin less than he does. When you think he’s a screw up. When you think he makes stupid decisions. When you don’t have any confidence in him. When he has to ask your permission to do anything. When you think you’re smarter than he is. When you’re looking down your nose at his hobbies or interests.
And if I thought someone viewed me like that, I wouldn’t think they liked me very much either.
Even if they said they did. OR even if they thought they really did.
And if you’re at a place right now where you’re really disappointed — feeling like you’re being defaulted on to carry roles your husband should be (whether financially or spiritually) feel like your love tank is bone dry because your spouse doesn’t speak your love languages, worry his relationship with the Lord isn’t strong enough and he makes questionable decisions — and you truly aren’t sure if you like him right now, you can’t and shouldn’t give that words.
You see, feelings are sometimes good indicators and sometimes good liars.
For example, a spouse may really struggle speaking a certain love language that doesn’t come natural but that does not mean it’s true that he doesn’t love you or think you are the most valuable person in the world.
Spending time examining our spouses relationship with the Lord really puts us in a place of judgment and that just entraps us in sin. The Holy Spirit is at work and it’s not our right to decide the timing or avenues in which the Lord works. It’s also very likely that we have a long list of sins we are blind to because there is so little self reflection and a lot of criticizing (even if only in our mind, but likely to another woman.)
And if you’re carrying something you shouldn’t be, put it down. Sometimes we’re carrying it because we won’t let go of the control for it to be done our way, even when it’s not our role to fill. There are times when a husband just isn’t given the chance to lead. And if you really are being a good follower and he isn’t leading, then that defaults on what I already said that the Holy Spirit is working in His timing. But stay out of the role and stay out of the way so God has room to move.
If you don’t like him very much right now, change your focus. You can’t control him, but you can control you. Zoom in on what you love about him. He’s still there, that guy you dated. He just needs to know you still like him. So stop focusing on what you don’t like and start focusing on what you do like. He knows the difference. And you’ll in turn feel different.
And that’s really all you need, as silly as it sounds, to feel different.