Learning to love like they need, not like it’s most comfortable.

26 May

Have you ever read the book, The 5 Love Languages?  If not, you should.  It’s a GREAT read! While you’re at it, I strongly, strongly recommend the books For Men Only & For Women Only. All three books are wonderful and insightful when learning about ourselves, the opposite sex, challenges we face, differences we have,  and how we best feel & receive love. 

Do you know what makes a marriage stand out?  The kind of marriage where the couple still smiles when they make eye contact, still hold hands when they walk into Walmart, still laugh at each others jokes?

I can guarantee that in those marriages they have one very key secret that many of us struggle to get successfully….even happily married Christian couples.

And here’s the secret.  They have learned how to show love the way the other person best receives love, and doesn’t just choose to love them the way that is most comfortable to them.

I’d like to tell you that only/mostly men struggle with this, but that isn’t true.  All humans struggle with this for a number of reasons.  A big factor in all this is strictly that by nature we are a very selfish being.  We look out for number one almost always before anyone or anything else, EVEN when we’re typically a generous and self-less person.

Let me give you some examples on the typical male side of things- ((PLEASE note, I use typical VERY loosely here as stereotypes are a very BAD idea in truly understanding this concept.  You have to do your homework on your own loved one!!))

~If he enjoys sports, he might feel love when you ask about his team, jump in his lap and cheer with him while watching a game, budget money for some tickets.

This might sound obvious but for a girl who hates sports or doesn’t see the value in them, this is hard work.  She can become easily angered by his wasting time on them and crush his feelings quickly.

~If he works outside the home, he might feel loved by you getting up in the morning to have a cup of coffee before he leaves, packing his lunch, compliments & encouragement about how hard he works, having dinner ready when he gets home.

Again, this doesn’t always come natural.  If you’re not a morning person, it can be really hard to get up with him.  Or if you aren’t Betty Crocker, it can be intimidating to cook all the meals and have them ready for him (and challenging if you have the kids to care for.)

On the typical female side of things.

~If she likes romance movies or novels, chances are she likes sweet & random gestures.  She might feel loved by a surprise note, text/phone call, outward expression in public like holding hands, post on a fb wall, a gift that matches her interests/hobbies. (Ex. If she gardens, a plant.  If she journals, a new journal.)

For men, this can be extremely intimidating and very challenging.  It can mean thinking WAY outside the box. Especially if they weren’t raised in a home that operated this way.  It’s more natural to say or think “I don’t need that so it can’t be that important to her.”  Or, “that doesn’t sound like something I’d do, I’m not doing it.”

~If she has a recreation, collection, hobby… maybe she’ll feel loved if you take interest in it.  If she like to paint, support her and be apart of it- grab a brush and play along. If she collects something, protect those items and help her find new ones to add to the collection.

Again, this can be very challenging for men, especially if they don’t enjoy the same things or like to spend money on items that don’t have much value to them personally. 

The goal here is to take the challenge to lay yourself down and  really learn to speak the other person’s love language.  No matter if it isn’t comfortable, no matter if you don’t receive love that way, no matter if you have to face fears (like looking like a fool, or messing something up), no matter if you have to spend money on something that seems to have no value in the world to you at all.

If you want to change your marriage….start here.

I’m working on it- I don’t want just a “happily married” title- I want one that stands out.  I want a marriage  that screams “Madly in love & passionate about each other.” 


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