It doesn’t matter how I mask it, I still just want this mountain moved!!

24 Jun

I need a make-over.  I mean, a physical make-over would be AWESOME!!!!  But deeper than that, I feel like I need an emotional make-over.  I need something to come along, put a little oxygen on the spark in my soul so it’ll flame up again and lift my spirits.

I don’t know if you have a “sore spot.”  I have two.  Well, let’s get real… I’ve got millions but really, I have two topics in my life that can drop me into a funk at the mere mention of them.

I’m not talking about both today, but one of them is our house.  We live in a 968 sq foot home with 2 bedrooms.  Josh and I share a small room and the 4 kids (3 boys & 1 girl) share the other.  It’s a large bedroom.  So at least we have that going for us.

We do not have a basement, crawl space or attic.  So virtually we have no storage at all.

The way the house is on the property, there is no feasible way to add on without spending a large excess of finances to get such a small help.  For example, the roof line would need an overhaul of work to get an addition on, so even just for a simple 10 x 10 room we’d be looking at over $15,000.  Nice huh?!

Not to mention, we technically can’t add on a bedroom without updating the septic per code laws in our county.  There is another $10,000.

Who has $25,000 lying around for a 10 x 10 room?  Oh, did I mention… we are ridiculously upside down in our mortgage so we can’t refinance or sell.  The home is currently worth $20-25,000 less than what we paid for it.  And that is after a mountain of updates and thousands of dollars.

The banks will only give loans per their appraisal values and right now, we still owe about $10,000 more than what they’ll let someone buy it for.  That means we’re about 7 years away from getting it down to that price.  Which is about 12 years AFTER we needed to get out or have more room.

I could go on, but I think the point is made.

I’ll lace myself with guilt for being upset or discontent by rehearsing and praying that I’m so thankful to have a home and that God has blessed us with enough money to update it so it is very live-able for us.  I know on the other side of the world they don’t have shelter, running water, or other amazing blessings like indoor plumbing, appliances, electricity, air conditioning and so on.  We have all we need, and more.

And then I can sit here in tears at the reality that no one in their right mind will ever let their daughter sleep over here.  I mean, seriously, I would NEVER let my daughter sleep at a friend’s house if she shared it with her 3 older brothers.  Even if we love and trust the family, you just don’t allow boys who are 6 years older to sleep in the same room as little girls.  So, we promise the parents we’ll keep them in the living room.  Excellent.  So Marisa gets no place of privacy to have girl talk with her little friend because she has to sit in the living room with her parents, or Josh and I can lock ourselves in our bedroom for the night?

Sleep overs are not necessities for this life, yet I can’t let go how much I want Marisa to experience them.

Or a rainy day rolls around and we’re all on top of each other the whole day and there is no where to walk if any toys are out at all and I have no place to store the clothes that are in between sizes of what Lincoln use to wear that Jaxon isn’t quite big enough to wear but I definitely have to keep for him as we can’t buy a whole new wardrobe.

AAHHHH!!!!

OK.  So I get this idea.  Just do another project on the house because that always helps spruce the place up and make it feel like we can at least be proud of what we do have.  I decided to paint the house.  We played it safe with white. I painted for 9 hours yesterday.  I hurt in SO many places!  But, when I got done and looked at the house, it looked a lot better.  We see it everyday so we could see all the wear, spots that the paint was off completely and so forth.  Now it looks clean and crisp again.

A friend stopped by last night to go with Josh and the boys to fireworks.  He didn’t say anything when he came inside.  And then Josh said “Can you tell we painted the house today?”  He says “You did?  I didn’t notice.”  Josh points something out. And he still says, Oh, yeah I guess kinda.  I’d have never realized that.

And I felt sick to my stomach.  Really?  I know it was white on white but I was still hoping it’d give the place a little pop to be fresh and clean again.  And he couldn’t even notice.

Dang.  My attempt to relieve some pressure failed big time.

I know I’ve reached the Practical Application section but I don’t have much to write today.  Like I mentioned, I can hammer myself with guilt by speaking truths outloud that only cover how much I really wish God would move us or drop $50,000 in our laps today.

God has been faithfully providing some awesome blessings, like Josh’s boss giving him a $50 gift card he was given and saying “I don’t need this, you use it.”

But I want God to move this mountain.  And God isn’t moving it.  Instead He’s climbing the mountain with us and offering us a place to rest, a drink of water and a cool breeze to help make the walk bearable.  I want to be thankful, and I do believe I am; but the reality is… I don’t want a drink of water while I keep climbing, I still want God to move this mountain.

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