How long before he feels the effects of the changes?

28 Aug

It is such a weird place to be when you’re really working on something in your marriage, and the main person who hopefully should be the first person to notice is your spouse, and they are the one person it is most awkward or maybe even inappropriate to talk to about it.

I tell my husband everything.  Inside out and upside down, he’s my GO TO MAN.  And I like it that way. But right now, there is nothing to “go to” him with that would make any sense at all.

My house has not been quiet for the last several days.  Yet at the same time, it has been full or a totally different kind of communication.  And I wonder how much time will actually have to pass before the “change” really comes full circle.

On so many different occasions this weekend I literally had to bite my tongue.  Not because I had to say anything but because I’m use to saying things. I never offered up my two cents to intentionally be disrespectful- in fact I didn’t really have any idea that it could be seen that way or might feel like that.  None-the-less, I always offered it up.

It isn’t like I can say to my husband “hey, did you notice I didn’t say anything there?” or “you know, I really wanted to say XXX but I didn’t because I respect you and I want to follow you.”  That’s kinda kill what I’m ultimately trying to accomplish.

He knows that I’ve been challenged in my respect of him, and he knows I’m working on some changes.  However, knowing that and actually feeling and seeing the effects of it are two different things.

So I’m wondering today, how long will it take before he really notices the changes on his own, without my trying to point everything out.

And since I can’t talk to him… anyone out there care to offer up some communication?

~What ways do you show your husband respect?

~Have you ever made a change that you didn’t want to “talk” to him about?

~Did he ever notice and how long did it take?

~How has your marriage been since making the changes?



One Response to “How long before he feels the effects of the changes?”

  1. peacefulwife September 22, 2012 at 8:38 am #

    Aww! I have been in your position! Let me just say – if you need to talk about this stuff – you are always welcome to email me at! It’s HARD to learn this respect/biblical submission stuff on our own. Apart from God’s Spirit – it is impossible! I was the same way – I used to tell my husband every single thought that ran through my head all day every day. I would tell him what I thought we should do and never thought anything about that being an issue. Of course, I knew I was RIGHT about what I thought we should do – and if he disagreed with me, I would keep hammering my point so that he could see how RIGHT I was.

    I read Love and Respect in December of 2008. HUGE LIGHT BULB for me. That was the beginning of my journey to learn to respect my husband and stop trying to control him. There were a few small changes in our marriage immediately. But my husband wasn’t really sure what was going on and I had no clue what respect or disrespect even were and I fumbled a lot trying to figure it out. It took me a good 2 years of constant studying and praying and working for hours a day on this stuff to really feel like this was a new me and it was habit. It finally didn’t feel like major mental and spiritual gymnastics all the time anymore.

    You definitely have to be careful about asking your husband for affirmation about this stuff. You DO need encouragement and kudos – but he may not be able to give it, yet. Most of the time, it takes many months or years for wives to really change. You always keep learning, but the learning curve gets way less steep and severe in time. The rate at which you grow will depend on your willingness to totally obey God and wait on him, your willingness to dig up your own sins and idols and repent, your willingness to allow God’s Spirit to flood you and empower you and how severe the damage has been to your husband as well as how close he is to God.

    It is usually many months or a year or several years. Nina Roesner, “The Respect Dare,” says it took her about 10 years.

    Husbands will usually wait to see if this is for real. They want to see consistency over many months before they begin to feel safe enough to open up more. But the waiting is part of the important part. Learning to trust God and not depend on feelings or affirmation from your hubby is really important!

    I’m so proud of you and all that God is doing in you! How exciting!!!!!!! I’d love to post this one too, sometime if that is ok with you.

    Much love, my precious sister in Christ

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