My demon.

21 Sep

Let me tell you a story about Wednesday night.  I really debated writing about this, because my husband reads my blog, however, I’m going to ask him to skip this one because I think the women reading this blog, need to hear about Wednesday night.

I’ve already posted on this blog about discovering some major disrespect for my husband.  The kind that doesn’t even appear like disrespect in the world we live in today, that seems completely justified, and is so intertwined in my every day life that it’ll be like lifting boulders100 times my own weight to remove these nasty habits. Yeah, that kind of disrespect.

Wednesday was just an ordinary day until my husband got home from work.  We haven’t been sleeping very well, and he’s been tired.  So he sat down in the chair and turned on the TV while I started fixing supper.

((There is too much back story about the TV “issue” to tell you everything but I will say that I do not have a TV addiction. I actually almost hate the TV.  I never watch it unless he is watching it. Though I have learned to enjoy a couple of the shows. We went 1 1/2 years without any television at all, and recently fixed our antenna so we get all the local channels, which is quite a few more than our parents use to get, but we still don’t have satellite or cable. Even with the absence of TV, we did not take complete advantage according to *me* for what we could do with our time as a family, which tends to make me resentful toward my husband, and with it available in our home again, it is quickly escalating in more time being on and watched than I personally care for it to be on.))

One little thing like the TV being on, quickly invites my demon (yes, I believe everyone has a demon that studies them and tempts them constantly) into a conversation with me.  He says “you’re headed right back to the life where you only speak to your husband on commercials.  Even re-runs are more important than you and the kids.”

I know my Savior. And I can feel the Holy Spirit move.  However, I don’t hear from God like I hear from my demon.  I can pray and spend time in silence after begging God to speak, and feel like after a day of fasting, I still am clueless what God is saying to me, or if He is speaking at all.  But the very moment something pulls on my frustrations, fears, insecurities, or weaknesses, I can hear so vividly and clearly the voice of my demon and am able to carry on long detailed conversations in good or bad directions.

On Wednesday when my demon started talking to me, I spoke back.  But not in my normal fashion.  I said “Get behind me Satan.  I’m not going down this road anymore.”

My husband left to go play guitar.  He’s been doing this once a week after the kids go to bed and I LOVE it!  It gets him out of the house, the chance to play and grow in his talent, and me plenty of time to play around on the computer, crochet or do anything I want without the guilt of ignoring him or the kids.

When my husband left, my demon started talking to me again.  “He was tired tonight, but he has enough energy to go play guitar and stay out til midnight?”

For 11 years, I have taken the bait and spun totally out of control.  I’d spend HOURS at a time ripping my husband to shreds to myself because I let my demon control where the conversation went. But in the last month, God is teaching me things and exposing my sins in grave detail in a way I’ve been so blinded to in the past.

I took those temptations to rip my husband apart and I purposely did the opposite.  I sent him a text thanking him for folding the clothes.  How could I almost have missed that he did that for me?  Remember, it’s because I was being coached to be mad about the TV being on?

I spent time praying for him and thinking about how much we’ve grown in our marriage.

When he got home, I had just headed to bed,  which I don’t normally do.  I am always up waiting for him to get home.  But like I said, we haven’t been sleeping well and I was really tired.  (Which also could have been from such spiritual warfare going on in my heart.)

When he came to bed, he turned on the TV.  I know I know, the stinking TV is like the center of my Wednesday!!  See, we’ve fought quite a few times, jokingly and in some very heated and hurtful conversations about the TV at night.  I like total darkness and complete silence.  He likes the TV being on.

I bet you know what happened.  My demon whispered so tenderly to my ears it practically gave me chills down my neck.  “How come for 11 years he is the one who always gets to go to bed the way he prefers?  Why did he automatically decide *you* have to learn to go to sleep with the TV on?  Why can’t he learn to go to sleep with it off?”

I was so afraid of what I was about to do next that I kissed my husband on the cheek, said “I love you” and then told him I was going to go ahead and sleep on the couch.  When he asked why, I just said as respectfully as I could, “I can’t sleep in here tonight.”

I had to remove myself.  Do you have any idea how many times we’ve fought while trying to go to bed because I’ve had hours of husband bashing sessions with my demon and then I take the opportunity to slay him apart to his face for how awful he is, how bad he messes up, how much he hurts me and every other thing I’m TOTALLY justified and entitled to say?

I laid down on the couch and quickly heard “Why isn’t he out here?  He knows the TV is bugging you, why isn’t he saying you should jump back in bed and he’ll sleep on the couch? Oh yeah, and don’t forget about this…. even though you told him you really need it, he still isn’t praying with you.”  Ouch.  The most tender point of devastation and he HAD to go there.  I tell you what, my demon knows me SO well.  The TV has NOTHING to do with praying together, and he brought it up as a last resort to get me to walk back in that room and destroy our intimacy, respect, trust and unity in our marriage.

I prayed and I told my demon that I have so much sin of my own and I am called to respect my husband no matter what I *think or feel* in any given moment.  I purposefully for the VERY FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE took my thoughts captive, stopped the demon from talking to me, and went to sleep.

I woke up so relieved!!  I didn’t say a bunch of really mean or hurtful things I couldn’t take back.  I kept the TV in perspective and didn’t allow that to be the standard by which I measure him as a husband and father.  I took my thoughts captive and spoke truth over the lies.

I can do this with the help the Holy Spirit is providing.  These boulders can be moved and these habits can be changed.

There are two main reasons why I am finally finding freedom and success.  And they have NOTHING to do with who my husband is, how he acts, or how he treats me. (Because ladies, I got a REALLY good one.  Bragging for another post : )

The first thing I’m really understanding for the first time in my life is that I have thought for 11 years that I’m better than my husband.  It comes out in a few different ways but mostly in the attitude that he sins more than me, and worse than me.  I’ve undoubtedly entertained this lie intimately with thoughts, actions and words that say “I would never have a TV addiction.”  “I’m so much better than him because I’d never do _______.”  “If he was really walking with the Lord he would do xyz.”

Hello pride.  No, I don’t have a TV addiction.  But I have an internet addiction.  No, I wouldn’t ever do _____ but I have spent multiple conversations “gossiping” to my friends.  No, he isn’t doing xyz right now, but I don’t do ALL KINDS of commands in scripture.   It’s disgusting how blind I’ve been to my own sin and how much pride has taken residence in my marriage.

And secondly, I will answer for my actions as a wife.  And God is not going to accept from me “Well, he did this or that.”  My sins will have no justification. And if I really love the Lord and want to serve Him in obedience, I can’t keep looking at someone elses actions and let that decide how I react to the commands my Savior has given me.  I have resolved in my heart that I want to live by the authority of God’s Word, not because of what I have or don’t have but because I have the opportunity to be obedient and give my life in service to become as christ-like as I can this side of eternity.

The Holy Spirit will empower me to live my life with purpose IF I choose to participate.  My only other option is to live my life in reaction to the way other people act by default. That really leaves me trapped and defensive. Feelings I’m definitely no stranger to, but have never been happy to claim as my identity.

Practical Application:

Stop having conversations with my demon.

Take my thoughts captive.

Meditate on the two truths I’m learning from above.

Own freedom.

Live with purpose.

Bring God glory by being obedient to the call on my life no matter if others are doing the same or not.

Respect my husband. Always. In ALL ways.

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36 Responses to “My demon.”

  1. Stephanie September 21, 2012 at 1:16 pm #

    Ahhhhhhhh!!! If only you were in my ear last night reminding me of these things… instead I danced with Satan. I’m so ashamed of myself…

    • kaylagulick September 21, 2012 at 1:47 pm #

      It has happened to the best of us. I am positive though if I (one of the WORST “let Satan talk me into a stupid fit” people out there) you can conquer this in your life too! ((Not that I’m even remotely saying I’ve conquered this… but at least I had my very first win Wednesday!))

  2. peacefulwife September 21, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

    Great post!!!

    • kaylagulick September 21, 2012 at 9:21 pm #

      Thank you.

      • peacefulwife September 21, 2012 at 10:16 pm #

        Kayla, I simply MUST post this on peacefulwife! Would you allow me the honor? This is the stuff women need to hear. This is exactly how the battle goes in the beginning weeks and months. It is DIFFICULT, exhausting and humanly impossible. But I am so excited for the victory God is giving you. That will become normal! And so will His supernatural peace and joy. I am thrilled for you! So glad my hubby asked me to read your post. FANTASTIC STUFF!

      • kaylagulick September 21, 2012 at 10:41 pm #

        Absolutely! I shared it because I want other women to recognize they are not alone in this struggle and they can change the course for their marriage. I’d be the one honored. Thank you!

      • peacefulwife September 22, 2012 at 4:25 am #

        Hooray! I’m so excited!!! I think my husband will be sending you a request to be a contributor on Peacefulwife soon. Thank you and may God richly bless your marriage and ministry to wives!

      • kaylagulick September 22, 2012 at 7:36 am #

        Would you like me to copy/paste this post and submit it as a new post on your page to get started?

      • peacefulwife September 22, 2012 at 7:59 am #

        Kayla, copy and paste is the easiest way to transfer. We can set up a picture to go along with it or you can send one by email. Also, if you want to put a line or two at the top about your blog with a link to your site that would be great. Thanks.

  3. The Water Bearer September 24, 2012 at 3:12 am #

    Reblogged this on Inner Angels & Enemies and commented:
    I wish every woman would read this post. The voice of our Inner Enemies has this scheme so worked out that it has no need to be creative or change a thing. It repeats the same lies to everyone of us! Blessings to you all!

    • kaylagulick September 24, 2012 at 7:11 am #

      Thank you The Water Bearer!
      I too agree that all women need to read the post because they just don’t recognize what is happening to them. Once the blinders are off, we take the control back in our lives and our marriages and we can call out the demons as liars and accusers!
      God Bless you!
      Kayla

  4. The Water Bearer September 24, 2012 at 3:13 am #

    Fabulous post I simply had to reblog! God bless you and your humble heart. A fabulous wake up call for all and a reminder of the things I hold dear!

  5. Diana (@AFragileClayJar) September 24, 2012 at 7:30 am #

    I found your post via The Water Bearer and I have to say what an awesome post it is. I can relate, my husband is the tv addict and I am the internet addict. I really needed to hear this, especially this morning. Thanks for sharing!

    • kaylagulick September 24, 2012 at 8:06 am #

      Diana,

      Thank you for sharing! It is amazing how Satan brings forth the same accusations on all men and women often face the same battles! Together we can expose the liar and rid him from our lives! Glad you shared!! Kayla

    • The Water Bearer September 24, 2012 at 8:17 am #

      Hi Diana, so glad you shared that comment here. Me too, I’m the internet addict (who can’t sleep unless it’s dark and quiet) while my Hubby falls asleep with the TV on. We are blessed by the grace and strength of God alone! Amen!

  6. graciehill48 September 24, 2012 at 8:43 am #

    Shared. Powerful and thorough. The Lord richly bless you as you follow His command to love.

    • kaylagulick September 24, 2012 at 11:07 am #

      Thank you graciehill48. I’m blessed to have a community to share the journey with as we grow together in Christ!
      Blessings, Kayla

  7. Amy Machita September 24, 2012 at 3:56 pm #

    Thank you so much for writing this. It sure is an eye opener. It didn’t take more than a few lines to see myself in your words and I am praying that God will bring these words to mind often to help me to be the wife that God wants me to be.

    • kaylagulick September 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

      Amy, You’re welcome. It’s amazing how similar all our lives are when we are willing to be vulnerable and walk it out in plain view. I’m so humbled to see other wives being ministered to in their marriages and so excited about the victories being won! Thank you for sharing! Many blessings! Kayla

  8. churchbus71andetc September 24, 2012 at 7:35 pm #

    excellent post:)

  9. optimisticgladness September 24, 2012 at 8:34 pm #

    I love that you are serious about your walk with God. I don’t know you, but I am so proud ot have a mom and a wife like you out there representing Christ in this way, striving, struggling, trying your best to be all He wants you to be. Keep up the good work!

    • kaylagulick September 24, 2012 at 8:41 pm #

      optimisticglad-

      Thank you for the encouragement and kind words.

      As believers, we’re all in this together!

      Many blessings, Kayla

      • Karina October 9, 2012 at 1:08 pm #

        Thank you Kayla for having the courage to open up your life & struggles we all relate to far too well.
        This post encouraged me so much to stop my demon promptly in his tracks from destroying my marriage or relationships thru his schematic lieing whispers that I allow to grow into huge “truths” . Taking the blinders off these eyes! Thanks!

      • kaylagulick October 9, 2012 at 3:21 pm #

        You’re welcome! Glad to have you stop by for a visit : ) Thanks for sharing your feedback!! It means so much to me to hear from others in this journey together.

  10. Meagan March 12, 2014 at 4:00 pm #

    I’m glad God brought me to this post when He did. This is something that I have just started learning: That I am a sinner, too. That I mess up. That the things I do to my husband are just as hurtful to him as the things he does to me. Good for you for being able to take your thoughts captive. I’m slow going, but getting there!

    • Kayla Gulick March 12, 2014 at 4:13 pm #

      You’re not alone Meagan! I’m not always quick or even successful. But it’s good for us to become aware so we have more weapons to fight with when we’re up against Satan!

  11. Cristina July 29, 2014 at 11:16 pm #

    I am a little weary writing this even though I know nobody knows me but it’s still hard to share such deep things of the heart. Sometimes I just feel so ashamed at what I can call now “my demons” because WOW, they really do feel like demons. I have been married almost a year. My husband is amazing. He loves God with all his heart and he loves me unconditionally. I also love God and want to live my life only for Him, but I struggle so much with my negative thoughts and the “what ifs”. Sometimes they’re so overwhelming that I really feel like running away and leaving my husband because I hurt him so much with my insecurities. He’s never given me any reason to doubt him but I live in the fear of the “what ifs” constantly sometimes. One of my biggest struggles is understanding what it means for a man to be visual. I wish I had more godly women and men in my life to help me understand this because I have such a distorted view of it and it’s really hurting my marriage. I get this paralyzing fear in me thinking of what my husband might see everyday (because not even going to the grocery is safe these days with all those magazines with half naked women on the cover) and how it affects him and if he compares me to them etc. It’s very irrational because husband is very respectful and guards his eyes but I am always very judgemental over this with him. I just can’t take the thought that he might be attracted to someone else just because that’s how God made him. I know I’m beautiful and I take care of myself but I still feel like I can never be good enough if my husband is tempted everywhere he goes. How can men live in this sex saturated society when God made them so visual? How is it possible for my husband to say I’m beautiful but (from the way I see it) if he enjoys beauty so much how can my beauty be so special to him when there’s plenty of women who show off their bodies on the street, magazines, tv, commercials, even church? How can a guy stay faithful in this sexual world when their sexual drive is so quick to be arouse, simply just by images? I know I sound crazy but I truly want to learn to change my thoughts in this because it really has become a demon and I want to be set free. I’ve been praying so much. I don’t have any close godly girlfriends around where I live to talk to and be led in the right direction. I really need help and I’m hoping somebody might read this and help me towards healing. My husband deserves a woman who appreciates his love and understanding. I always take his compliments the wrong way and I know I disrespect him a lot because I’m hurting in my insecurities. I’m lucky he hasn’t shut down on me yet and I’m hoping I can get the help I need to help him feel respected and appreciated before he has enough of my struggle.

    • Kayla Gulick July 29, 2014 at 11:28 pm #

      Oh girl… I understand every word you’ve wrote. I lived that way for over ten years. It hurt me, it hurt my husband and it hurt our marriage.

      Really, that train of thought stems from two things — Satan (Demons – temptations – weaknesses) and also Pride.

      I know pride sounds like a funny problem when you’re talking about insecurities but that is really what it is.

      It’s pride inside us that says “I don’t care what you say, this is the way *I* see it, therefore it’s true no matter what you try to tell me otherwise.”

      It is a HUGE uphill battle for women to live in this sex saturated world just as much if not MORE than men.
      The comparisons, the insecurities, the impossible standards….

      Truth is, YOU’RE likely battling how you feel about yourself measuring up… and that has nothing to do with your husband at all. (Of course he can help affirm your beauty with his words and actions, but ultimately, what you let win your heart and attention has little to do with him.)

      The best solution I can offer is tearing down the idols in your heart for beauty. You’re striving after something and when you feel short, you panic that your husband is getting glimpses of what you feel you’re falling short of.

      I hope this is making some sense and helping give you some areas to address and work on with the Lord 🙂

      It won’t be easy… but you need freedom and your husband needs your trust and heart.

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