Can I trust you?

2 Oct

Confession time.  Ugh I hate these days.

I’m not wasting time with a big introduction to this post, we’re digging right in.

One way I feel intense intimacy in my marriage is when I feel like my husband tells me things or does things with me that he doesn’t do with anyone else.  I feel like I share him with so many people and I honestly struggle with that.  It makes me really jealous and bitter.  Oh heck, I’ve already been about as honest as I can get on this blog… I might as well go all the way.  I detest that he works with females on a daily basis.

I don’t care if they are old, young, fat, skinny, pretty or ugly.  Doesn’t matter.  They are female and they get to spend time with my husband that he isn’t spending with me, seek his advice, look for his approval, and meet needs he has at work.

So any time that I feel like I get a one up on them, I feel more secure in my marriage and I feel intense love and attraction to my husband.

I’m sure like most men, my husband doesn’t talk about his feelings very often.  I wish he would more, but he is never going to be female.

However, I have been wacked upside the head with a 2 x 4 in the last month and I suppose it is time to confess… because chances are, someone else out there relates to this mess. And I believe scripture tells us to confess our sins publicly.  When we bring darkness to light, we tap into power we don’t have when we keep sins hidden.

I’m not wasn’t trustworthy enough for my husband to be honest and real with me, which really just hurt me more in the long run.

Yes, I was part of my own problem, again. (Does this reality ever end?!!)

I haven’t honored my husband’s words with secrecy in the past.  Not that I would ever or have ever went around announcing everything he ever says or does to everyone and anyone, that’s extreme and not relevant to the point.

I have though shared too much with my girlfriends.  Never with a malicious heart.  Never with the intent to share too much.  Never with the intent to embarrass him.  Never with the intent to harm our trust.  Not even always with the intent to make him look bad, though I’m sure I meant to do that years ago.

I always felt like in order to paint the WHOLE picture when sharing a story, EVERY DETAIL was necessary.  And maybe in a very, very private intimate counseling session if there is a serious issue that needs addressed, that may still be true.  But that wasn’t the situation when I was sharing more than I should have.

Regardless of the “intent” behind my actions, they were wrong.

My husband’s respect, trust and intimacy with me is MORE IMPORTANT than my want to be heard and understood.

I realized I’m constantly looking for someone else to validate situations, make sense of them, tell me I’m on the right path, tell me they’ve been there too, instead of giving God a chance to talk or show me anything.  I have absolutely no patience with the Lord at all.  Something happens and I need to talk about it immediately, and I want IMMEDIATE communication back.

What a nasty list of sins I just described.  I haven’t been trustworthy, I’m jealous, I’m gossipy, I’m impatient, and I’ve made an idol out of communication.

This weekend I have no idea what made my husband open up to me, but he shared some stuff with me in a more intimate way than just our typical conversations.  INSTANTLY, I was fulfilled, intensely attracted to him, and felt very secure in our marriage.

I’m really thankful my husband is so forgiving.  I mean really, you just can’t know my wretched-ness from just these posts.  I’ve been writing from a place in the last 3 years that is entirely better than what he was married to for the first 7 years.

Practical Application:

I had to repent first to God and then also to my husband.  I had to confess that I wasn’t always trustworthy, and I haven’t always kept his words and actions between the two of us where they belong.

**Prepare yourself. Pray up before you do this.  It is very scary, embarrassing, and humbling to have to say all this out loud to your husband!!**

And here is the tricky part.  Live in such a way that makes myself trustworthy to him.  Provide an atmosphere that is safe and private so he can share his intimate side with me when he has something to share (which still may not be as often as I do.)

If the urge is there to talk about things that violate this new commitment, don’t talk.  Find something else to do.  Don’t call a girlfriend, don’t answer the phone, just find something else to do until I can be sure I won’t lost my footing in the moment.

If you’re in this boat, good luck! You’re not in this alone!


7 Responses to “Can I trust you?”

  1. ronfurg October 2, 2012 at 11:30 am #

    Thanks for your brave and courageous confession. I join you in a godly sorrow over the lack of self discipline I have in my life and, for me, it is primarily in the area of communication. It is a constant battle for me. I realize I am not to wallow in guilt and spiritual defeat. Still, there must be an honesty of soul. My sins are a grief and an offense to God and must also be similarly distasteful to me. Praise be to God that there is now no condemnation in Christ Jesus and, because of God’s love, we can set our hearts at rest, when our hearts condemn us.

    • kaylagulick October 2, 2012 at 5:36 pm #

      So thankful for heartfelt feedback on posts where I must be so deeply honest. Thank you for your willingness to share and offer support and truth. I appreciate it greatly!

  2. RaZella October 2, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

    I truly appreciate the honesty you share. More than one of your blogs have sparked thoughts in my mind and turned me to prayer and my Bible to seek answers from Him in regards to my own situations. My list is also very long, and I am thankful for the Husband the Lord gave me because there was a time that I too treated him very very badly. I am so thankful for his forgiveness. I think for me, sometimes, his act of forgiveness is such a witness to my life and the places that I’ve come from.
    I also agree about “public confession” when we feel lead to share. How many believers find themselves in the chains of guilt and feeling like that are all alone in their sins? 1 Corinthians 10:13 is one that I sometimes have to remind myself of when Satan is trying to drown me in guilt and shame.
    I think I’m rambling now. Either way, thank you for your honesty and your post. Amen to the Lord showing you yourself and leading you into this growth!!! ^_^

    • kaylagulick October 2, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

      So good to see feedback on these type of posts. It is hard to share, but then to sometimes wonder what others are thinking of the wretched-ness described can be very scary. Thank you for sharing your heart in return!!

  3. The Water Bearer October 3, 2012 at 12:15 am #

    Kayla, you are definitely not alone in any of this! I am guilty of everything you have mentioned here, and worse. It took a long time for me to understand God’s principles of Love and to try and apply them in my life. Even after many years I still have to work hard at this, just as you are doing also..Good for you!
    Yet I will say this:
    At least our eyes have been opened! At least we are willing to recognise it! At least we see our sins so we can repent and they can be cleared with our Saviours Blood! At least when we accept our role in these things we can work on them! At least we have the Lords strength to lean on! Praise God ..Amen!
    I know of so many many women who want to bad mouth their men to me and all the time I find myself defending the men. Most of the time this only encourages more excuses and justifications for their own unloving behavior. However I can no longer sit and listen and nod my head and say “poor you”. I think of all the times I have hurt my relationship, and I can’t feel right allowing someone else to do it either. It reminds me that I am my Man’s greatest ally and not his enemy.

    By the way…you said…
    “I realized I’m constantly looking for someone else to validate situations, make sense of them, tell me I’m on the right path, tell me they’ve been there too, instead of giving God a chance to talk or show me anything. I have absolutely no patience with the Lord at all. Something happens and I need to talk about it immediately, and I want IMMEDIATE communication back.”

    This is me too! You are such a sweet blessing to my soul!
    Thank you so much for sharing your humility with us. Blessings to you, Sweet Sister In Christ!

    • kaylagulick October 3, 2012 at 6:48 am #

      I want to say “I’m so glad I’m not the only one” at the same time that I want to say, “I’m so sorry you’ve been here too.”

      I really appreciate your honesty and encouragement!

      And I LOVE the stance you’re taking for the men you hear being bad-mouthed. Chances are, they do have some growing and changing to do- but so do those women! And stopping the negative comments from your own ears, will help you refrain from joining in or being tempted to even think the same of your husband.

      Satan just loves to help us pick up offenses off each other. Be it in marriages or even just friendships!

      Thank you again! It means SO much!!

      • The Water Bearer October 3, 2012 at 9:23 am #

        Yes you are so right!And I don’t need to encourage any more of my own unloving behaviour, I have too much already thanks very much.
        Everyone has to change, but the women who think emasculating their men with criticism and whinging will help them change, they are in for a rude shock. They are only making it worse!
        Been such a pleasure sharing with you! 🙂

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