Realizations from today.

12 Oct

I’m taking a break from the “spiritual lesson” tonight  and simply writing because well, my heart needs an outlet.

My husband left yesterday right after a 5:00 supper to serve on an Emmaus Team (Men’s Spiritual Retreat) and won’t be back until Sunday night.  I’m kinda like a mixed bag of emotions.

I’m super excited that he has the chance to participate in this ministry outreach, especially given this season of change in our lives, and just know this is going to be a great weekend for him!

And, I’m a little glad for the alone time in the regard that I have a lot of crochet projects to work on and don’t have to feel guilty about being occupied with them.

However- a few things came to my realization tonight.

I told my husband Wednesday night (the night before he left) that I really needed to put the crochet needle down, step away from the computer, and spend some time with the kids really playing and being together.  That is hard for me to do.  I feel all Proverbs 31 woman to be making and selling items to help with some extra needed cash right now, which calls my name to do it even more. And well, saying it flat-out, I’m also just plain selfish.

Pushing swings, coloring pictures, and doing other kid activities are honestly not all that fun compared to the things *I* want to be doing.

Am I a bad mom? Or am I just not afraid to be honest?

Tonight, the kids and I played tag, took a walk, and raked some of the leaves together from the path and jumped in them and threw them in the air.  My kids kept saying over and over “Mom, this is so fun.  Are you having fun?”

I felt so broken.  (OK- a small spiritual plug about really feeling broken over my sin and how necessary yet hard that is to accept.)

If I was “playing in the leaves” often enough, the kids wouldn’t feel the urgency to tell me just how much fun they are having, repetitively, because it’d be common for us to have “that much” fun together.

No, if I didn’t have 4 little kids in my life, I wouldn’t have been outside raking leaves and throwing them in the air.  I would have been crocheting and playing on the computer.  But, the truth is, fun or not, I fell in love deeper with each of my kids to watch them smile and giggle and play with such innocence.

And a touch more on the subject of brokenness, before closing this session out, I realized another thing.

My husband has been gone on business trips before so this isn’t my first time running the show without him.  But there is a major difference this time than any other time.

When he was gone in the past, I missed his presence.  I liked having another adult in the house and I appreciated our normal routine.

This time though, our marriage has escalated in a really rich intimacy  and sacrifical love that I literally feel like I’m missing part of me with him gone.  My husband is my very best friend and I don’t feel complete at all sitting here without having the opportunity to tell him all about my day, to hear about his day, to laugh together, to cuddle together and to  fall asleep next to each other.

Even though it’s a broken place to be when you realize sin or when you feel lonely… I’m really thankful for these realizations.  These opportunities give me the chance to see things I need to change and appreciate RIGHT NOW before I look back and confess to a selfish lived life.

Practical Application –

Appreciate the time I have to play with my kids.

Take advantage of saying the words “I’m having so much fun with you” to them more often.

Praise God for a marriage that has grown to reflect true “one-ness”.

Spend the “lonely time” talking to the Lord instead of sulking in the sadness.


3 Responses to “Realizations from today.”

  1. The Water Bearer October 13, 2012 at 12:25 am #

    My Hubby used to work away for 6-10 weeks at a time for a period of 3 years. He was home only for a week in between this time away at work, unless the contract ended and he had a few weeks break, and it was tough!…I did however learn to draw into a deeper relationship with God during that time, I spent more time enjoying my girls, and we all learned to appreciate each other so much more. 🙂

    • kaylagulick October 13, 2012 at 7:19 am #

      Wow! That would have beenTOUGH! Amazing what God gives us the stregnth to do when we have no other choice but to walk it out. I’m glad you were wise enough to lean on Him instead of letting it tear you apart. God Bless!!

  2. odoyo123 October 13, 2012 at 11:02 am #

    Reblogged this on ochelepep and commented:
    Yes, will work

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