Is this really what you want?

31 Jan

Yesterday, I spent a lot of the day in deep reflection asking God, “Is this really what you want?”

I’ve talked about leaving our church of 11 + years, and finding a new church home that we love in detail a few different times on the blog, and yet I feel like if I didn’t go on to tell you my thoughts yesterday, you’d be left with only half the picture.

That’s not all bad, but let me be honest, sometimes when Christians tell half the story, they seem not relateable and like they have a relationship with God that is unattainable and their life is easy.

My blog is not about pretending to be perfect, or having an unattainable relationship with the Lord, or even wisdom that doesn’t come from trials, challenges, and tests to grow my faith and understanding.

So in true Lessons of Mercy fashion, here’s the other half of the story.


Small Groups started up this week.  What I LOVE about the approach our church is taking is that they are going to be 3-4 month sessions.  That is great for so many reasons.  It helps prevent clicks from forming by breaking the groups up and having the people branch out to other areas after a few months.  It helps you get to know EVERYONE in your church, and not just the 5 couples you seclude yourself to in a small group.  It prevents someone from never joining a small group because if they clash with someone’s personality, it’s only a small session of time that they can stick it out and join a new group in a few months.

We knew when they announced the launch of small groups, we HAD to be in one.  The only way to really get to know anyone in your church is to “do life” with them outside of saying “Good morning” on Sunday morning.  Especially since we drive 40 minutes to church and are entering a community that neither of us was raised in, we know NO ONE.  These small groups will be vital to us.

That being said, my husband is the only one who works.  We have 4 kids.  And we pay for private Christian school tuition.  We are NOT rolling in the dough.  In fact, we don’t even go on dates very often at all because the budget just doesn’t allow for paying a sitter and having any money left to do anything else.

My husband REALLY needs a new truck.  But we don’t want to have any debt (other than our house which we wish we didn’t have) so we aren’t buying a new one without the money to pay for it, and right now, we don’t have $6,000 -$10,000 lying around to spend.

All that being said, a second 40 minute trip (one way) each week is a LOT of gas! In fact, it’s roughly $12.00 each trip.  If you’re adding up numbers… two trips each week will be about $88.00 a month in gas. (And that’s hoping we don’t hit $4.00 a gallon again!)

So yesterday I was sitting at the computer and an email came through about an upcoming women’s event we’re going to have in February (it sounds like it is going to be AWESOME!) asking anyone who wants to be on the team to put the event together and help out that night to come to a meeting Tuesday night.

I broke.  I had tears in my eyes and I felt disappointed and even a little angry.  Another trip to Defiance?  That’s 3 in one week!  But if I don’t go, then I can never grow with these women and make new friends and be apart of the ministry opportunities.

I wasn’t going to talk about it, but I must have been wearing my heart on my sleeve because my husband knew I was upset.  After asking me, I tried my best to tell him without being too wordy or emotional, but I couldn’t hide my disappointment.

While driving to small group he says to me “I want you to go to that meeting.” After a little back and forth of talking about how it’s his responsibility to worry about the money now and me saying but I am responsible for spending too, I accepted his decision and am looking forward to attending the meeting.

But that didn’t stop my mind from questioning “God, is this really what you want?”  I kept thinking:

Are we at the right church?

Do you really want us to spend more money (that we don’t have) driving all this distance?

Are you going to provide the money (because I know that’s how God works…. remember I said we pay for private school tuition…that we don’t have money for!) or, is this one of those times where we’re doing what we want and not what you want us to do and we’re going to flounder a bit.  ((I don’t really think that’s the case, but it didn’t stop me from wondering and contemplating the thoughts.))

Would you allow us to move over that way?

How much sense does it make to move toward church when my husband’s job and the kids’ school is still closer to us here?


Practical Application –

Here’s the truth.  I don’t have to have all the answers, even though I want them.  If I spend all my energy worrying about the questions and searching for answers, I have no energy left to do the work I’m suppose to do in this moment.

The real questions are these:

Do I trust God to provide – not just the money/food/shelter that I need, but the answers when I need them?

Am I putting too much faith in our own efforts to take care of ourselves?

Can I show patience for God to reveal His answers to us in His time? I know more often than not in my past, God did not answer me/us as fast as I wanted, so I stopped waiting on Him to answer and did whatever I wanted to do and then expected God to bless that decision.  It takes actively leading your mind and heart to choose to wait.

And right now, I’m waiting.



2 Responses to “Is this really what you want?”

  1. peacefulwife January 31, 2013 at 10:10 am #

    Waiting is so hard! But I know God kept giving me things to wait on Him about until I learned to rest in His peace during the waiting and learned to embrace it. Some of the best learning happens right here in this time of feeling in limbo!

    • Kayla Gulick January 31, 2013 at 10:40 am #

      Thanks for sharing and encouraging! I’m positive good things are going to happen in this season : )

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