Tell your daughters (and sons) THE TRUTH.

3 Feb

About 2 months ago I was given the name and contact information of a college age girl, who was saved and baptized while living at home with her parents, but is now struggling to walk with the Lord and is not attending church.

I thought a lot about what I wanted to tell her, and ultimately I felt led to tell her, THE TRUTH.

I knew I could send her some scriptures about fleeing sexual immorality, and that would have been OK to do, but the chances that it would really impact her life was minimal.  When someone is struggling, they have real feelings and emotions that they are battling through.  They have a hard time hearing someone preach at them.  They want to know that you have the first clue what it’s like to be them, and to feel that you really understand what it’s like to want sin in your life and still maintain a right relationship with the Lord.  They want to believe that you actually care about them, and don’t just want to slap rules on them.

Our children are no different.  I know parents think “I don’t want my kids to know what I did when I was their age.” Let me break something to you, chances are, if you’re not telling them the truth of the consequences and that you honestly get the battles they face daily, they’re probably doing what you were doing at their age, or even worse.

Here is the letter I wrote this girl.  Maybe it’ll give you some things to think about when working with high school and college age kids, as well as your own children.  If they are old enough to have sex, they’re old enough to hear the realities of it.

I don’t like my story at all.  But it’d be a waste of being changed in Christ not to use that story to bring God glory and show someone else WHY HIS parameters are so much more than rules, they’re a gift and a blessing when we understand them!



I’ve got one chance to write something really important in this first paragraph to explain to you WHY you should keep reading this letter and THAT IT WILL MATTER if you do or don’t.

Who am I? Someone who has been you.  It doesn’t matter how I got your name, what matters is that you don’t know who I am… and yet, I’m taking the time to write you from my heart because IT MATTERS that you know truth is not about “rules”, but rather is TOTALLY about “protection”. Protection = Love.  Love that maybe you don’t fully get.  Love that says, I don’t know you… but because I know where you’re headed (since I’ve been there) and I know what it’s like to live with regret that you can’t even fathom yet, I’m going to give this everything I’ve got to tell you God absolutely will NOT relent until you give Him your whole heart.  And Emily, this letter will hopefully prove WHY this matters.

For the longest time, I looked at God as incredibly loving, but absolutely NO FUN!! I wanted the parts of God that offered salvation, hope, peace, joy and acceptance no matter who I was or what I did… but I didn’t want the parts of God to be true that made Him a judge of justice with commandments and “a big list of don’ts.”

I didn’t understand parameters at all.  I understood fun and not fun.  For example- Having sex with my boyfriend – FUN! Not having sex with my boyfriend – NOT FUN! God’s Word says – Sex is for MARRIAGE ONLY!! To me all I read when I read that was – God doesn’t want me to have any fun.

Emily, I’ve been married for 10 ½ years, and I still regret EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. having had sex before I was married, not with just my boyfriend from high school… but also with my husband before we were married. That seems silly right? It’s in the past.  And I married my husband so why would that matter now? It matters because images and memories NEVER go away, even when forgiven.  It makes me doubt that my husband will stay faithful to me because in college he had a one night stand – so sex must be that important to him that he might want sex so bad if I’m out of town, he’ll cheat on me.  It makes me AND my husband, doubt that what we have to offer is the best each other has ever had.  I can’t even explain to you what it’s’ like to wonder if your spouse is picturing someone from his past when you undress in front of him.

Most people don’t talk about this stuff. All I ever heard was “Don’t have sex because God says No.”  No one told me the truth that I’d have flash backs of being with someone when I’m trying to focus on being with my husband.

MANY divorces stem from sexual frustration – and 90% of the time, it’s about distrust, doubts, pornography, with-holding, acting out past sexual acts and so forth that all come from past relationships.

My teenage years I thought God didn’t want me to have fun.  I had NO IDEA that His “rules” were parameters to protect me and keep me safe for my married life.  I’m going to suffer the consequences of my mistakes (and my husband’s mistakes) for the REST OF MY LIFE, even though we’re married and both forgiven by God.

Forgiveness does not mean there are no longer any consequences.  The whole idea and concept that “I’ll go to church, get my act together, stop sinning once I’m older/married/out of college” is such a false idea of what sinning really does to our entire life.  Sin doesn’t just affect us WHILE we’re sinning…. the consequences last forever! I can’t even imagine if I’d have gotten an STD or become pregnant, or other numerous negative results of sex outside of marriage.

This TRUTH applies across the board.

Drinking & Drugs – I did so many embarrassing and inappropriate things while drunk.  Even when I cleaned up my act… my testimony was forever changed.  The people I was with will forever be affected and impacted by the decisions I made while I was with them.  And if they knew I was a “Christian” (which I claimed to be since I was 9 and accepted the Lord to live in my heart) then I will be held accountable for the false witness I gave. Is it a lie we tell with our bodies to claim Christ lives in us, but then to willingly (which is different from sinning out of ignorance) keep sinning.  The Holy Spirit living in us would not willing sin against God’s Word and then still claim Christ’s name.  So we start lying with our lives and misrepresenting the gospel.

My big question Emily is “How much guilt do you have?”  If you’re saved… you should be sick with guilt when you sin.  The Holy Spirit stirs our spirits and finds ways to make us experience shame when having to tell other Christians about our actions.  Shame causes us to “hide” things, only talk or act a certain way in front of certain people, and so forth. If you feel no shame when you sin – then you will feel no guilt.  And you’ll be the same in front of everyone (Christian or not.) And that is a good indicator that we’re not really saved.

Emily, if I could hug you and let you see the tears that still pour down my cheeks when I think about the lies I told, the drunken nights, the immoral sexual acts, even ALL THESE YEARS later – I’d do it tonight.  God’s RULES do not = NO FUN like I thought. God’s RULES = protection. Parameters that keep us from consequences we can never escape even when forgiven.

The so-called FUN of sin is such a LIE! It’s temporary, ALWAYS costs us something, and changes us in ways that we can’t ever get back.  I just want you to know that I’m praying for you.  I remember how hard it was to be torn between wanting two lives.  Non-Christian friends are so easy to find.  Christian friends, especially those not compromising for temporary fun, are really hard to find.  But they aren’t IMPOSSIBLE to find.  And there are ministries that can help get you connected!

Just think about it. Remember, I’m not some adult writing who doesn’t understand.  I was you. And I remember it vividly. And I love you enough to tell you that THIS MATTERS for the rest of your life, and for eternity.



9 Responses to “Tell your daughters (and sons) THE TRUTH.”

  1. makemypathstraight February 3, 2013 at 4:22 pm #

    I think it is very noble that you shared the truth with this girl. I’m praying her heart opens wide when she reads these words (or of she has already) and that they really stick in her mind. I completely 100% agree with sharing the truth of our pasts with our children and others when needed. I came from a home where my parents hid everything… They still do, and over the years through the openness of other family members I have discovered that I made many of the same mistakes as them, so you are very right. I want to be able to help my children as much as I can with what I’ve been through, and the truth is so very necessary. I found your blog through the Peacefulwife, and I really enjoy reading your posts. They are filled with so much wisdom and honesty! 🙂 Thank you for sharing.

    • Kayla Gulick February 3, 2013 at 6:49 pm #

      Thank you for sharing that! Far too often, I think Christians hide reality in an attempt to protect others…. but all they really do is make Christianity look unattainable, and like their lives are perfect and free from trials.

      I too pray that not only Emily, but other girls can hear the reality of my words. Forgiveness is sweet and life-changing, but it never instantly removes all the consequences!
      I appreciate you sharing the honesty of your home growing up. I’m positive it will ring true for others as well!

  2. Lovey April 28, 2013 at 4:57 pm #

    Jesus took the consequences of sin on the cross. We’re new creations, not forgiven old ones.

  3. In His Image May 21, 2013 at 5:07 pm #

    One often hears ‘experts’ saying that previous sexual experience has little bearing on one’s chances of future happiness. That’s a lie from Hell. As you say, we may be saved from the penalty of sin and the power of sin, but its consequences are something with which we still have to live in this life. Oh, how people need reminding of this (particularly the young, and especially girls, who lapse so easily into romantic daydreams).

    You told the truth and shamed the Devil. It must have been a difficult post to write. Well done.

    • Kayla Gulick May 21, 2013 at 9:00 pm #

      Thank you. It was a tough one to write. It’ll also we tough to havesome hard conversations with my children as they reach the appropriate ages – but that’s why God gives us the strength to act outside our own power to live a life that is hard.

      I REALLY appreciate your encouragement and affirmation. Thank you so much for sharing!

  4. Eager to Learn October 10, 2013 at 8:28 pm #

    As a teen I thank you for posting this letter.

    • Kayla Gulick October 10, 2013 at 9:02 pm #

      Thank you so much for that encouragement. This comment means a great deal to me!!


  1. Tell your daughters (and sons) THE TRUTH. « Peaceful Single Girl - February 3, 2013

    […] Tell your daughters (and sons) THE TRUTH.. […]

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