I might have freaked out a little….

16 Feb

God

I’m starting with a sincere apology.  I know it can be really frustrating reading a story when someone can’t give ALLLLLLLLLLLL the details, so please forgive me.  You know here at Lessons Of Mercy, I have no secrets.  I mean, I shoot it straight.  Even when that means admitting my terrible failures.

But this time, it’s not just my secrets I’m protecting, I’m protecting my family…. so “mum’s the word” on the graphic details…. for now.  I’ll be able to share, I promise!

That being said, I still think I can share some honest truths and write  a relatable post worth reading anyway, so I’ll give it a shot!

As you already know, Josh has taken the lead in our lives and put a plan into motion.  I’ve been leery of the plan a bit.  Not because it doesn’t provide the end results I want.  IT DOES!  I’m leery of the plan for two reasons.  1.) It is NOT how I would have went about everything.  2.) It is requiring that I trust that God is leading even though I am NOT going to be able to see the big picture in the process.  We HAVE to take steps without being able to definitely without any doubt, see the end results we’re going to get.

I get that for some people, that’s not really that big of a deal or that scary.  For me, it’s paralyzing.  You gotta know me and how planned, detailed and organized I am.

1 + 2 = 3  If I’m given something that looks like this 4x + 5 =13, I’m not afraid of the factor because I can logically figure it out.  x = 2.  I’m happy to proceed forward because my brain saw the problem, and quickly found a SAFE and PREDICTABLE solution and answer.  When I’m given 15x + 37y – a – b +21c = 1,004 + 8z – 20x  (which I don’t believe can possibly have an answer since I just typed a mess of stuff) I start to panic!

Our plan has a LOT (and I’m not exaggerating this time, even though I have the tendency to do that) it really has a LOT of variables at this point.  Even still, there was something that VERY QUICKLY surprised us on Monday that we would know more about on Wednesday.  It felt SO MUCH like a total “God thing.”  Seriously, the most perfect unexpected blessing.   Well….. it didn’t work out.

I may or may not have freaked out a little.  OK, I seriously freaked out.  I mean, I kept my calm and didn’t act like a raging idiot or anything, but I was overwhelming flooded with the notion to scrap the whole plan.  If this new surprise blessing (which would have given me more insight to the end result) wasn’t going to work out…. then what in the world were we doing going through with this plan anyway?  I wanted to throw in the towel, and even though it wouldn’t bring the end results I really wanted, I felt much safer to stop “dreaming” and stick to the predictable, what I can physically see and trust, life that I’ve been living.

My husband was unimpressed with my lack of faith.  He told me so.  And I was glad he did.

If that wasn’t enough.  My best friend let me have it the next day too.  I am also glad she did.

By Thursday afternoon, I had my head back on and my faith was being restored.

And guess what….. another surprise.  What was off the table Wednesday afternoon that had me freaking out… may actually not be off the table just yet.  (Don’t I feel sheepish.)

Practical Application –

Acknowledge and confess to the Lord that even though I love Him, I have such a hard time trusting Him when I can’t see the future.  Then spend some time asking Him to renew and strengthen my faith and trust in His sovereignty. (I’m not afraid of going hungry… I’m afraid of getting my hopes up to be disappointed.  I only like to “bet on” things when I know I’ll win…if that makes sense?)

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6 Responses to “I might have freaked out a little….”

  1. Joanna Aislinn February 16, 2013 at 7:29 am #

    Hi Kayla,
    Came by your blog via April Cassidy’s blog. I can so relate to what you’ve posted, especially the ‘predictable’ part of trust. Feel as though I’ve been tossed a curve of my own this past week and have no choice but to trust God’s leadership, even when I don’t necessarily trust those He appears to allow in leadership positions. (Then again, what do I know?)

    So: I take a step back, regroup and try to figure out what path He is putting me on now. Hopefully, one in which He’ll give me the serious nudge I need to put to real use the many talents He bestowed on me.

    Nice post!

    • Kayla Gulick February 16, 2013 at 7:35 am #

      Oh Joanna! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and relate!! I had a curve ball a few years ago with leadership stuff and it was hard! I’ll say a prayer for you now!

      • Joanna Aislinn February 16, 2013 at 7:41 am #

        You’re very welcome and thanks to you as well, Kayla. Praying right now for your situation! Best wishes!

  2. peacefulwife February 16, 2013 at 1:05 pm #

    Kayla – I just totally love you! I love your personality and the way you share your heart. I love how you share the struggles you have as you learn. Don’t you WISH I was blogging when I was in this stage!!?! HA! 🙂 THANK YOU for allowing God to use you to bless other wives and spur them on to faith in Christ!

    • Kayla Gulick February 16, 2013 at 1:29 pm #

      Thanks! I tend to choose not to dwell on how vulnerable it makes me and try to focus on the fact that it’s so much more real to be relatable in this stage.
      I’m so glad I have you to look to so I know I *can* get to a much more constant and even-keeled place : )

      • peacefulwife February 16, 2013 at 4:12 pm #

        I am still not perfect! Got a bit hormonal the other night. But even when I was crying about some things that felt overwhelming, it was SO different from how things used to be. I didn’t blame Greg. God helped me see I was being hormonal QUICKLY. And now, I ask Greg what his perspective is and listen to him and don’t believe my feelings during times like that. AND, I asked him to pray with me – and he did! And after only having about an hour or so of feeling tense and upset, I prayed, too, and then God’s peace returned so quickly. So even the bumps don’t throw me in a ditch like they used to – but if I take my eyes off of Christ, I’m in a ditch in a second! I need Him every minute! Can’t do this on my own! 🙂

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