It doesn’t seem to fit….

1 Mar

I despise having to make BIG decisions that require faith.

It’s not because it requires me to trust God.  It’s because it requires me to trust myself that I’ve actually heard from God.

If I heard God say, jump off a cliff and I’ll catch you…. I could do it.  I have a very active faith when I’m sure that I’ve heard from the Lord.

The problem is, I’ll sit at the top of the cliff for about 3 years asking myself “Did I really hear from the Lord, or is this something *I* want, and I’m just able to put a really Godly spin on it?”

There are few times in life that I can’t make a pretty strong godly argument.  Heck, for years I justified my sin to the point where I fooled myself into believing it didn’t matter much.  Sad.  But true.

What’s even MORE of a twist in this whole mess of “are you really speaking Lord” is that when I’m sinning or asking God to reveal sin… He yells at me with a BULLHORN!  I never miss that guilty conviction that pounds my heart out of my chest when I need to repent or apologize.  So it isn’t like I don’t know the Lord’s voice.

I was given a word yesterday from a lady in our church.  She has an incredible gift to receive dreams, verses, and encouragement for people.  It’s quite amazing.  I heard a word she gave to a friend of mine once and it was so spot on, we both got teary eyed and praised God.

However, this word for me.  Though I want it to fit desperately because I want a word from the Lord… I can’t seem to get it to fit.  I feel like I’m trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

She said, there is a question in me… “Can I have more, am I worthy?”

Here is a snip from an email I sent my best friend this morning….

” I don’t struggle with not feeling worthy.  To be honest, I struggle more with feeling like we ARE worthy, but God still might say no. All I mean by that is to say, we’re living for Him, we’re giving to the Kingdom, we’re trying to get closer to a church and a community where we feel called to serve….so I’m positive we aren’t just asking for something selfish, or to have bigger, better, best.

My battle is whether or not to ask God to do something that I’m already certain He’s not going to do.  Partly because I feel like, God doesn’t remove consequences of sin.  He never does.  He forgives.  But if He removed consequences, we’d be more likely to repeat those sins.  So, just because we out grew our house, that doesn’t mean He’s going to automatically move us now.  We bought this house without Him, and now we’re paying the consequences.
Also, I don’t know that this is even necessary for God to perform a miracle.  It isn’t that I don’t feel “worthy” of one.  It’s that, I’m not 100% positive HE is calling us to move (even though WE want to and can put all sorts of Godly spins on why we should) so if it isn’t fulfilling His purpose, He isn’t going to perform a miracle for it to happen – no matter how much I take the advice of people and just start speaking it over us and have faith that He will.

I know we CAN have more.  The problem is… Does God WANT us to have more?  He has children He loves deeply living in prisons on the other side of the world being tortured for their faith.  And I’m suppose to believe because I’m worthy and can have more that I’m going to get a 3 or 4 bedroom house in a town I want to live in and my house is going to sell?”


I’m just being real, raw and honest here.  I REALLY struggle with speaking things over my life that I *want* and proclaiming things to be as if they already are, because it leaves me with a HUGE pile of disappointment, frustration, and self-pity when God doesn’t fulfill my proclamations in His name.

If HE is calling it to be, I can speak it, and it will be.  If I am calling it to be, I can speak it, and that’s as far as it is going to go.

I really don’t like writing posts that I don’t have ai Practical Application for… but today it is what it is.

Someone in my Small Group said the other day “Maybe you don’t trust that you’re close enough or know God well enough to hear his voice.”  Maybe I don’t.


6 Responses to “It doesn’t seem to fit….”

  1. Rachel Self March 1, 2013 at 12:24 pm #

    Have you ever done the Experiencing God study? My husband & I are going through it right now, and it’s my 3rd time to go through it. Every time I feel like the biggest thing it teaches me is how to hear God speak. It’s a 12-week study, so what I’ve learned may sound crazy in just this short space, but there are short versions of it at every Christian bookstore if you want to check it out.

    Basically, it presents this cycle:
    1. God is already at work….doing something.
    2. God pursues an intimate relationship with you that is real and personal.
    3. God invites you to become involved with Him in His work.
    4. God speaks by the Holy Spirit (through prayer, the Bible, circumstances, and the church).
    5. You experience a crisis of belief. (Do I really believe this is God speaking? Do I really believe what He says is true? If you really believe it, your actions WILL follow.)
    6. You make adjustments in your life in order to join God in His work.
    7. You come to know God (or know Him better) by experience as you obey Him, and He accomplishes His work through you.

    It kind of seems like you are at #4 or 5. And I just want to offer you this encouragement. These are not “7 steps”. They are a cycle. Your past experiences would have resembled this cycle as well, and each time you obeyed God , you then knew Him more deeply. It seems, from the outside looking in, that God has spoken to you through your husband, and now the church too (this woman). And while people aren’t always right, your previous posts would lead me to think that you really believe this is from God. So if God has spoken, your crisis of belief will lead you to obey. And take heart, that obedience will help you to know God even MORE deeply!

    Sorry if that was too long… 😉

    • Kayla Gulick March 1, 2013 at 12:30 pm #

      Thanks Rachel! That was some good stuff!! I will check into that study too… sounds good!

      It’s funny, as you’re writing… I’m seeing myself in there and then at the same time I immediately wanted to interject this thought “I think I want to *believe* it’s God moving/speaking so my actions follow, but as soon as my mind catches up with what I’m doing and I reality sinks in… I wonder what in the world made me think that was God speaking in the first place. Just my *want* or *hope*… because if you ask my husband – he is at the same place… “Is this God or is this just desire?”

      • Rachel Self March 1, 2013 at 12:42 pm #

        I think the “crisis of belief” step is always the hardest! I know you want to know His will though, so you can be sure He will lead you. I’ll be praying for God to give you and your husband clarity!

      • Kayla Gulick March 1, 2013 at 12:44 pm #

        Thanks Rachel! I appreciate it – it’ll be cool to look back on this one day!

  2. Emily C March 1, 2013 at 9:51 pm #

    Kayla, God does not treat us as our sins deserve. And what father, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Yes there are absolutely consequences of our actions but our God is a God rich in mercy. RICH in it. And what is mercy? Not giving us what we deserve.

    Remember the HEART of God. Who loves you and wants to bless you far more than you can imagine.

    I think your church lady hit the nail on the head. It’s not that you don’t think your withy of his blessings, but more you don’t feel worthy of His pardon. 🙂

    • Kayla Gulick March 1, 2013 at 10:06 pm #

      Thanks Emily…. you’ve given me much to think about tonight! I so appreciate you sharing with me!!

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