A little jealous…

9 Mar

Being a mom is pretty hard to describe.  I honestly don’t think if I sat here and wrote 5,000 words, I’d come close to even doing it a little justice.  I mean, there are so many angles, emotions, dynamics, situations, surroundings to elaborate on, I’m simply not even going to try.

What I will say is this… It’s AWESOME!  And, It’s AWFUL!

Awful?  Really?  I must be the worst mom ever.  Maybe.  If I lose a bunch or readers after this post, I guess I’ll have to accept that maybe I really am a bad mom.

But before you hit the “x” and unsubscribe…. let me tell you “why” it’s awful.  It has caused me to die to myself.  I read in Nancy Leigh Demoss’ book “Lies Women Believe” that one woman said “I was never impatient until I had children.”  And Nancy said, “No, you were always impatient.  It’s just that you never had to see how impatient you were until you had your children.”

I relate to that.  I had NO IDEA how selfish I was until I had children.  Impatient, demeaning, intolerant, short-tempered, and on and on and on until I had children.

It’s been awful raising them solely for the fact that I’m getting an overhaul of my character, it’s being refined in the fire, and it’s painful.  Good.  But still painful none the less.

So why is this post entitled, a little jealous?

I nursed all four of my children.  My last two were 15 months apart, and they nursed until 12 months because that was the first I could get them to have anything other than me.  Neither one of them EVER took a bottle.  Not even a pumped breast milk bottle.  I threw away HUNDREDS of ounces of wasted frozen breast milk from the two of them.  I tried every different bottle nipple out there, a bunch of different people who didn’t smell like me, I tried everything.

During that season, which lasted for just over 2 years, I couldn’t be away from one of the babies for more than 2-3 hours.  I was suffocating! And I  grew painfully jealous of the fact that my husband  had to got to go to work.  Flipping burgers would have been better in my mind at that point than being shackled like a ball and chain – or more like, a cow hooked up to pump 24/7.

When Marisa stopped nursing, I thought it might be the happiest day of my life.

But what I wasn’t prepared for is that she’s now over 2 years old, and I still get a little jealous of my husband.

It’s not that I can’t get out now.  I can.  And he’s happy to accommodate any plans I have to do so.  But between my responsibilities as a mom & wife, lack of financial freedom with one income and four children, crazy busy lives of everyone and packed schedules…. I just don’t do much outside of being with my family.

My husband has a friend though who lives a different type of life.  His parents live next door, which has served as a constant babysitter, and now his kids are old enough to watch themselves.  They have a great deal of financial freedom.  And they spend a LOT of time doing recreational activities.

This friend is generous and likes to invite my hubby along.  And here’s where the jealousy comes in.

Partly I’m jealous of that kind of freedom.

And then another part of me is jealous that I don’t have a friend asking me numerous times a month to get out.

Something about the taste of freedom – you know, the “I don’t have to ask anyone’s permission, can be totally care free any night of the week to go shopping, get a coffee, visit a friend, literally anything I want to do whenever I want to do it, and not be neglecting something else I should have been doing as a wife or mom.”

Sad song and dance of the grass is greener – when I KNOW I wouldn’t be happy if I wasn’t a wife and mom.  Those two things bring me more joy than any amoutn of freedom ever would… but jealousy still finds a way to creep in!

Practical Application –

Control the jealousy with truth.

His freedom is coming at a great cost.  If you’re not investing in your children, it’s no life that I really want.  And a marriage where they see each other a couple times a week is NOT a marriage I want either.  My husband and I talk and hang out every night, and I miss him terribly if we miss even one day of that a week.

And my husband does not jump on every invite.  It’s so good for him to get out and have some guy time and adult time, so I really need to be celebrating with him when he can get out!


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