15 Mar

My “Soul Mates” post from last week was used as a guest post over at Peaceful Wife yesterday, and someone asked me a question that I’d like to tackle here on my blog.  I gave them a quick answer, but I feel it can be elaborated on just a bit more.

But before I go forward, if you’re a woman, and you haven’t hopped over from any of my previous links to Peaceful Wife’s Blog before, then TODAY IS YOUR DAY!!  Click the link here – Peaceful Wife Blog and check out the site!  Believe me, you’d rather use your internet time today checking out the materials there than wasting it viewing silly Facebook updates that are usually not worth reading anyway!

OK – back to the question – here it is:

I have an honest question for you: Why do you think so many Christian women/wives walk around and take so much pride in calling themselves bible references like “Helper,” “Helpmate,” “Help-meet,” and “A good thing” (He who finds a wife finds a good thing), when many of them often seem like they would rather men “Help,” serve, sacrifice, and die for them (as if they arean’t required to do anything, and they treat their men as their own personal “teapots” and “mice” servants from every Disney movie rolled into one)?

In my experience, men seem to do far more helping and serving, and receive far less “help” from their women, and I’m not saying that to sound dramatic. It often seems very true!

I’d rather not ever hear the word “Help-meet” again if isn’t actually true.

I actually understand this completely!

Before I realized that I had my husband as an idol in my life and released him from that, and put Jesus in His rightful place, I misused the words Helper, Helpmate, Helpmeet too!

You see, I thought *I* was MUCH closer to the Lord than my husband.  I didn’t SEE him reading his Bible, doing any Bible studies, getting the sins that I so clearly saw in his life out of his life, and I was certain he was actually quite lucky to be married to me so I could help him.

— I wanted to help him by playing Holy Spirit.  I was very good at letting him know when I saw things that he was doing that weren’t what I thought they should be, or I didn’t think the Lord would approve of him doing.

— I wanted to help him by setting time frames that things should be done by, and I gave constant reminders, nagging, and disapproving words, looks and actions when he didn’t get things done when I thought they needed to be done, and in the manner of which I was sure it must be done. Just incase he ever thought he was “getting away” with his lousy behavior.

— I wanted to help with all my wisdom.  Even though, all my wisdom was filtered through female emotions, perceptions, and experiences, I still always had an answer for what he should be doing, feeling, and saying as a man.

— I wanted to help by offering an opinion about everything.  Even things that he was telling me as facts, I felt compelled to let him know how I felt and how he should feel about EVERYTHING.

— I wanted to help him know what to do at his job.  I could clearly see how to handle everyone and every situation – and I would even get angry if he wasn’t willing to take my “perfect” suggestions.

But as ridiculous as this sounds all wrote out to me now, keep in mind, I HONESTY believed I WAS helping.

What a breaking moment it was when the blinders were removed and I saw all of that for what it really was.

— Pride.

— idolatry.

— Control.

— Fear.

I didn’t think I had all that many sins, when really – my sins were crippling me, my husband, our family, and even other relationships in my life and I didn’t see it at all!

NOW – I see my role as a helper TOTALLY different!!

My responsibilities as his helper are to

— Follow my husband’s lead.  God has called my husband to be a leader, and if there is no one to follow him in our marriage, who is he going to lead and fulfill his God-given calling as a man/husband?

— Respect God’s design for marriage.  He purposed and placed my husband in leadership over me to protect and provide for me, and God knew what He was doing and He is sovereign and can be trusted!

— To model the relationship of Christ and the church.  It’s amazing how a godly marriage (a REAL godly marriage…lived to model the commands of unconditional respect and love… not just a union between two Christians) witnesses to the world FAR BEYOND what any “preaching” can do.

— Lift him up in prayer, in words, and in actions.  My role as his helper is to build up every good quality in him and be his number one encourager in life!  That does not mean I do respect when he sins, or praise him when he hurts my feelings, it means that I focus on all his good qualities and I praise him constantly for what he does for me and our kids.  Believe it or not, it’s more obvious when I don’t praise a behavior and that speaks VOLUMES over any pointing out, no matter how “nicely” I tried to do it.

There are other ways I can be a helper to my husband – but – he’s home now.  So I’m going to jump off the computer and hang with him!

Practical Application –

Think about your current ways of offering help, and pray about what they might actually be speaking to your husband besides help.

If you’re feeling like you might be out of whack – scroll back up to the link to Peaceful Wife Blog – she has a TON of suggestions, ideas, and practical ways to re-think being a helper to your husband in a way that he actually feels helped!!


6 Responses to “Helper”

  1. peacefulwife March 16, 2013 at 12:04 am #

    You explain this SO WELL!!!!! THANK YOU for this beautiful before and after definition of being a helpmeet. LOVE LOVE LOVE!

    • Kayla Gulick March 16, 2013 at 8:03 am #

      You’re welcome! Thank YOU for being a huge mentor in this process 🙂

  2. Stephanie March 16, 2013 at 10:09 am #

    Beautiful!!!! Wonderfully explained!!!!!! And as I am attempting all these things you describe, I am finding that you’re spot on! Thank you so much! Love walking out this walk with you girl!

    • Kayla Gulick March 16, 2013 at 1:33 pm #

      I can’t imagine trying to get through this without you 🙂 It’s such a blessing to have a prayer partner, encourager, and accountability partner when life threatens to speak louder than the Lord! Love ya!!

  3. A March 16, 2013 at 9:57 pm #

    I Loved this!! April put me through respect boot camp last summer and I’m forever grateful. I love reading your posts Kayla! This one nailed it. It’s exactly my transformation. I have to say that I still get choked up thinking I won’t be married to my husband in heaven but Im so grateful that I love him that much. I also know that my mind cannot conceive what heaven will be like and how consumed I will be in worshipping my God!!! I have released my husband as an idol but every now and then I see myself trying to take it back!! This post was Such a great ‘idol’ check!! thank you!!!

    • Kayla Gulick March 16, 2013 at 10:13 pm #

      You’re so welcome!! Thank you for sharing that with me. I too can get choked up when I think about how my married life with my husband is only for my time on Earth, and I battle temptations to put him back as an idol…. so I think it’s fantastic when you can find friends and accountability partners, even on-line 🙂 to help encourage each other and offer reminders when we need them!!

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