All of me.

8 Apr

Two years ago, Matt Hammitt was on KLove sharing an exclusive first listen at his song “All of Me” that he had written for his son Bowen.  The story is beautiful.  At the time, my sister-in-law was carrying a baby diagnosed to pass away in the womb or shortly after birth and it was a song I quickly shared with her to encourage her heart.

About four months later when the song started being played on the radio, I was listening to it in the van by myself driving somewhere (I have no idea where I was going now) and something happened.  All the sudden, even though I knew the story of why Matt wrote the song, I heard the lyrics in a totally new way.

I heard them about my marriage.

You see, my marriage has been a work in progress.  Isn’t everyone’s?  Between learning what it even means to love and respect someone, sharing everything, trusting, forgiving unconditionally, and flat-out growing up spiritually and maturing in the Lord….we certainly didn’t start out where we are now.

I have always been the kind of person that looked at forgiveness like this – I forgive you, but I’ll never forget what you did.

Do I think there is a place for that kind of forgiveness?  Actually, yes.  When someone isn’t sorry but you know you need to forgive them and release them,  then yes, you can forgive, but remember and make wise choices in the future to not be put in those situations again or hurt in the same ways.

However, in marriage… scripture says “Love keeps no record of wrongs” (I Corinthians 13:5)

Yet in my marriage, I didn’t want to let go of any of Josh’s mistakes, times he’d hurt me, or situations he disappointed me.  I wanted to forgive him and move forward… but I wanted to remember his short comings as a way of protecting myself.  I felt like if I kept a wall up in some form, then when he hurt me again, I wouldn’t be so hurt this time.

All that happened from this wall being built was division.  You can’t love someone, and keep a record of wrongs.  I’m serious, you can’t do it.

I will never, ever, ever forget sitting down about 5 or so years ago at my husband’s company Christmas party, and Josh whispering in my ear… Don’t say ANYTHING about “Frank” (using a fake name here) smoking, his wife doesn’t know.

And I felt sick.  I wanted to leave RIGHT then.  I was overwhelmed with sadness, anxiety, and immense fear.  What was everyone whispering in their spouses ear about us when we sat down.  “Don’t say anything about Josh _______________________ his wife doesn’t know.”

At that very moment I made a decision, I would always keep myself safe.  I was not going to be the fool or a wife who finds out at her husband’s funeral he was having an affair.

I literally lived like this for a long time. Just assuming NOTHING could really be beneath my husband so when it eventually came out, I could say, “I’m not surprised at all.”

You can only set up that kind of protection for so long before you eventually start to believe those things *might* be true.

WHAT A MESS I created out of my fear of being hurt!!!!!

Anyway, the words of this song that day in the van made me weep and weep.

Have a listen.

 

Like Matt sings, “Let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed.”

I thought, I have to be willing to recklessly love my husband, even I end up looking like a fool some day.

Because the truth is, I’ve never once met a man who said these words.

“My ex-wife was wonderful.  She respected me unconditionally, she never doubted or questioned me, she trusted me, she let me lead, she loved me immensely, she forgave me quickly, she didn’t hold my mistakes over my head, she flirted with me in public, she was my best friend…. I just simply wanted to try life with someone else.”

Protecting my heart was actually putting more strain on the marriage, doubt in my heart, and temptations for both of us to fail each other.

I’m going to get hurt.  And I’m going to hurt my husband. But I’d rather get hurt and grow old with my husband, than make sure I’m prepared to not be “too” hurt, get a good dose of treating him how he treats me in there, and get the sad misfortune of trying life over and over with multiple husbands.

Practical Application:

Time for a self diagnosis.

Are you recklessly loving?

Or do you have a wall of protection around your heart?

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6 Responses to “All of me.”

  1. howsyourlovelife April 8, 2013 at 12:15 pm #

    I love this. Years ago I too was terrified of being the ‘last to know’ and it took a long time to realize and trust that I didn’t need to think that way. I especially like what you said about hearing someone describe their ex-spouse – that would never happen!

    • Kayla Gulick April 8, 2013 at 12:40 pm #

      Thanks for sharing that! It’s good to know I’m not the only one out there who struggled with that. And I think it helps shut those lies down faster when you can unite together with other Christian women and speak out against it!

  2. crazyma123 April 14, 2013 at 10:33 pm #

    I was deeply touched by your post. I do the whole “Protect My Heart” thing by withholding my emotions. I bottle them up because I feel stronger than my emotional husband. After we split up and then decided to reconcile, I was face with my lack of sharing. I didn’t want to fall onto the same path again, this time I wanted results! So when we sat down and I explained how I felt about sharing my feelings, fears or emotions, he was saddened. He had no idea! I feel like I have legitimate reasons to hold back but if I want my marriage to be something whole and lovely before God, I have to let go. It’s so hard! Lol! Thank you for your encouraging post! Now when I listen to this song, I will look at it in a different light as well 🙂

    • Kayla Gulick April 14, 2013 at 10:34 pm #

      Amen!! Thank you for sharing that. God Bless you and your marriage!!

  3. Nicky July 12, 2015 at 11:02 am #

    I just found this blog last night, but this post this morning…and this is EXACTLY where I am right now and two years after discovering my husband had been lying to me about several big things for our entire marriage–it was a major, devastating betrayal. My family of origin has also been ripped apart by lies and betrayal, and so my instinct now is to protect myself and like you said, not be duped again. This post touched my heart because it helps to know that another person has been in this place but also can see the wrongness of it and actually want to do something different for the Lord, can actually see that self-protection isn’t the best way in this kind of marital situation. I could go on but thank you for writing this and your deep honesty. I am thanking God this morning for His Church that is family that I can find even online to help through the most difficult trials.

    • Kayla Gulick July 12, 2015 at 11:45 am #

      I wish I could express how much you’re ministering to my heart by sharing that comment. Press into Christ. He has the power you need that you don’t have on your own.

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