It’s too exposed?

18 Apr

For all of you that have been following my blog for the last year, you know that I am NOT secretive.  I just don’t do life in private.  I don’t see how we can grow that way.  It allows for Satan to devour us when we hide our sins and struggles, as well as keeps us feeling like we’re the only ones, and no one else relates.  Honestly. we hurt other people by not sharing just as much as we hurt ourselves.

Be careful not to read that as an extreme remark.  I’d never recommend typing your deepest struggle as your Facebook status update.  But be it your family, friends, church, small group, accountability partner, study group… at least someone should know you intimately.  And, many people should know most things about you.  Your power and testimony are in your trials and victories!

That being said… I am seriously, I mean BIG TIME struggling with this whole moving thing.

I could sit here and type out a list of my most private sins…. and it’d feel less painful to me than thinking about letting people help us move.

It’s too personal.  Private.  Intimidating. Stressful. Humiliating.  Proud.  Embarrassing.  Judgmental. Exposed.

Yeah.  That sounds about right.  It’s a little of all of that.

I’m NOT a materialistic person.  The fact that we aren’t millionaires helps keep all spending under control in this house… but truth be told, we wouldn’t spend much on “things” even if we had it.  I’m always going to buy the item that is the quality I need, for the least price I can find it.  Even if I freely have $200 to spend.  I will look diligently to see if I can find the item for $150 just because, I HATE spending money on “things.”

We just don’t have nice or fancy things.  And I’m fine with that.  If we wanted them, we’d find a way to have them.  That’s how it goes right?  You find a way to spend money on the things that are important to you?

And even though I could care less what my couch looks like, and if you came to my house, I wouldn’t be in the bathroom crying because you laid eyes on it or sat on it…. but to have you come help me MOVE it?  Ummm… that’s where the anxiety comes into play.

A cushion might fall off, and you’d see the exposed springs, and then you’d feel sorry for me, or I’d feel like you felt sorry for me, and then it’s awkward.

We have 4 dressers in the kids room.  We bought two brand new white ones about a year ago.  Shortly after they had them… they wrote with crayon all over them.  I’ve tried everything…. the stupid crayon isn’t coming off.

I just don’t care to have all these people from our new church carrying our color-crayoned dressers to and from a truck,  wondering why I’m not working to help my husband pay for life.

Do I want the help moving, YES!  Do I want the exposure, NO!

I’m not sure which feeling will win out here.  But it’s just where I am today.  And I have 9 days to get it figured out.

Practical Application –

I don’t know why moving is more vulnerable than telling you my sins…. but it is.  And when I get that figured out and what to do about it… well, I’ll come back and fill this in then.

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16 Responses to “It’s too exposed?”

  1. Valerie Norris April 18, 2013 at 2:38 pm #

    Ah, I can so relate to this! For the crayon on the dresser…have you tried toothpaste? Sounds strange, but my daughter “livened up” her walls (3 of them) and it was the only thing that took it all off! Just a thought! Praying for you in this!

    • Kayla Gulick April 18, 2013 at 3:58 pm #

      No, I haven’t tried toothpaste… but I will! Thanks Val!!

  2. Rachel Self April 18, 2013 at 2:58 pm #

    I totally understand! I feel like if people are going to help me move, then I have even MORE to do so that I can make things presentable enough for them to help with them. If I move myself, the underwear drawer moves–underwear still inside! If others help, I have to pack up all my underwear into a suitcase before they come to help. Oh, and I also feel like I need to bake cookies and have drinks on hand for my movers. And I should probably provide lunch/dinner for them too, right? My husband thought I was CRAZY for stressing over that stuff… (Maybe I was, ha)

    In the end people did help us move (back in November) and it worked out fine. Mostly guys helped…and they don’t notice much anyways-ha 🙂

    • Kayla Gulick April 18, 2013 at 4:02 pm #

      I am right there with you! Thinking about drinks, snack, meals… and the underwear!! 🙂

      I agree… I’ll feel less “exposed” if it’s men helping. Hopefully I’ll be able to just let it be what it is, and not worry about any of it! Cause I have enough to worry about right now!!

      • Rachel Self April 18, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

        I’m sure it will be all work out fine 🙂

        I’d totally help if I lived near there, and I wouldn’t even think a thing about crayon on your dressers! 😛 My parents still have an oak shelf with my sister’s name carved right into the side of it. It’s one of our favorite pieces of furniture!

      • Kayla Gulick April 18, 2013 at 4:47 pm #

        HAHA!! I love that! Thanks for sharing. That seriously made me smile and feel a million times better!

  3. sharinghispeace April 18, 2013 at 4:50 pm #

    This might be totally wrong but it’s my life so I’m going to throw it out there…. I totally understand where you are coming from. I, myself, try to be as transparent as I can be with others. I whole-heartedly believe that the devil uses secrecy as a playground to destroy lives. Over these past few years, God has prompted me into “tell-all” sessions to help free me from the bondage of secrecy.
    With that being said, do you think that you are nervous about people helping you move because it takes the control of who knows what out of your hands? If you are anything like me, I don’t mind being exposed… but only to the things I have “okayed” to expose (if that makes sense).
    I will be praying that God give you peace about whichever decision you make but honestly honey, it doesn’t matter…. Rips in the cushions, crayon on the dresser, stains in the rug… It really doesn’t matter. The people who will come to help, aren’t there to judge you by your “stuff”. I’ve only read ONE post from you and can tell you, they have seen your heart LONG before they will see your couch. To them, it won’t matter…
    ~just a thought~

    • Kayla Gulick April 18, 2013 at 5:43 pm #

      Thanks for sharing all that!

      I’m sure there is a bit of pride in there… pride sneaks in lots of places!!

      But I honestly feel like I’d be “naked” in front of everyone and it feels dangerous for some reason.

      Like it might cause unnecessary judgement.

      It’s like this. Have you ever heard someone say “they can’t even pay their light bill, but they just picked up a pizza.” ?

      I’d compare it to that. They send their kids to private Christian School but their couch has broken springs.”

      I just don’t want to open that can of worms with people I’m really just meeting or don’t know us that intimately.

      Hopefully I can just bag the exposure and take whatever help is offerend. Because it really is kind. Moving is awful and anyone who is willing to help is a Saint!!

      • sharinghispeace April 18, 2013 at 5:52 pm #

        Maybe try to look at it from the other angle… “Because their couch has broken springs, they can afford to send their kids to a private school”…. I guess my point is, people who will be willing to dedicate a few hours/days to helping you aren’t going to care what they are actually moving. They aren’t going to look down on you with a microscope and say, “Oh my! She has this or doesn’t have that…” I have helped PLENTY of people move and my only thought process is, “are we done yet?” “What else needs to go?” “Let’s get it done!”

      • Kayla Gulick April 18, 2013 at 5:55 pm #

        HA! Thanks. I really appreciate the kind words and support. 🙂

  4. Jeannie Davis April 18, 2013 at 9:42 pm #

    Hey Kayla! Try peanut butter on the crayon! I DOES take black sharpie marks off almost anything!

    • Kayla Gulick April 18, 2013 at 9:44 pm #

      I tried toothpaste like Valerie suggested and it worked!!! But thank you for the peanut butter tip because marker ends up on things too with 4 “creative” kids in our home!!

      I appreciate it!!!

  5. peacefulwife April 18, 2013 at 10:29 pm #

    One of the most disrespectful things I ever did to Greg was because of a similar anxiety I had. We had a heating and air man coming to our house for two or three days years ago. He had to walk through Greg’s side of the garage to get under the steps to the furnace. I like things organized and neat and free from clutter. I get heebie jeebies when there is junk lying around everywhere. But Greg’s side of the garage was full of tools, trash, junk and completely unorganiZed. The man told me to ask my husband to clean a path through the garage for the next day. I was mortified that this man had to see the clutter and mess. And I was embarrassed that he couldn’t get to the furnace. I told Greg he had to clean the garage that night. He refused. So I went down and organized it myself and threw away trash and labeled everything. Greg got very upset that I had messed with his stuff. But I was more worried about this stranger’s disapproval and what he would think of ME than I was concerned about Greg feeling respected. This was way before I learned about respect.

    • Kayla Gulick April 18, 2013 at 10:37 pm #

      Thanks for sharing that April! I’ve been trying not to vocalize my anxities often or in disrespectful detail because I know Josh may be very hurt and misunderstand the situation to be that I’m ashamed with what he can provide for us. And that’s not the case. And I don’t want him to feel that way at all!!

  6. zanspence April 19, 2013 at 10:35 am #

    Awww. This is a test that you will pass.

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