Mother’s Day

12 May

At 6:35 AM I heard my second oldest son Lincoln (age 6 – in Kindergarten) come down the stairs and sit in the chair. I was awake and about to get up anyway, so after about three more minutes, I got up and went out to see him. I asked him the same thing I ask every morning. “What would you like for breakfast Linc?” He says, “Um, I’ll take oatmeal.” I said “OK” and started off to the kitchen. He speaks up “Wait Mama, I have something for you.” I turn back around, “what’s that buddy?” To which he pulls out from under him a Mother’s Day card he made at school.

It was REALLY and I do mean REALLY good!

So I hugged him, kissed him and told him I loved him.

Now I’m sitting here and my mind is going a million miles an hour. First of all, he’s so much like me, and yet has more patience than I do.

For example. We have a flag pole at our new house, so the first week we were here, I went online and bought my husband an MSU flag to fly and thought, this will make a great Father’s Day present. The day is came (Monday May 6th) I opened it, hung it outside, took a picture and sent it to him. I couldn’t wait!!
I love giving so much that I can’t buy presents until the day before because I can’t wait to give them.

Lincoln has that same giving heart. He wanted to give me that card so bad that he remembered ALL on his own, to bring it down with him FIRST THING on Sunday morning. Yet, he’s unlike me, and SO much more like his dad in that, if he was like me, I’d have seen that card Friday night after school!

I love the mix he has of the both of us! I love his giving heart. And I love that he can wait, so he doesn’t end up having to buy more gifts all the time because he already used up what he bought for say Father’s Day this year!!

And then I’m thinking about each of my other 3 children and their personalities, gifts, and challenging moments and giving thanks for each of their wonderful lives!
Each one of them is a mix of both Josh and I in some way and they have our good habits and traits and even some of our bad habits and traits. (We need to work on that!)

And then there is a part of my heart that takes time on this day to think about the three babies that we never met but were a hope and joy to us for a short time.
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that as life goes on and we get busier and busier with each passing day, they don’t cross my mind every day. And I think that’s part of how we heal. If I was constantly still mourning the loss of them, I wouldn’t be able to go on and live the rest of the life God has called me to live.

I do wonder often if they were boys or girls. How would they have changed the dynamic of our family? They’d all be even closer in age then they are now! What day would they have been born? What traits would they have? Would any of them have had dark hair like my son Jaxon does? What names would we have agreed on? I always wished we’d have named them, but I struggled not knowing their gender to feel like it was a real name. I didn’t want something fake to say they were named. I wanted the names to be real. Because they were real.

And then I also think, the reality that we wouldn’t have met Jaxon or Marisa is also there. And I love them so. They are a perfect addition to our family and I’m so glad God gave them to us.

I know that through the journey of losing the three children we lost, I learned much about who God is and that He is in control, and I am not. That He is sovereign and His will is always done. That He is good and can be trusted.
I grew in patience and faith. I finally understood mercy in a way I never grasped before that time. I let go of the idol of control and allowed myself to let God lead and learn to accept that I am not my own god who can orchestrate life by my own accord or by my own will. I started to really seek God and dive deeply in His word to understand Him more and put His promises in my heart so I understood the end goal. And to the surprise of many, It is NOT happiness in this life.

Those babies changed me for a life time, even though, they were only a part of us for a few weeks. They still matter. They had purpose. They were wanted. They were loved. They were given and taken by a God who knew exactly what He was doing to bring Himself glory and to make my husband and I more holy.

I can’t wait to meet those 3 faces in Heaven and get some of the answers I can’t have here. Until then, even though I hardly say this, I often say “My four children” today I am so thankful and greatful or all seven of my children and the impact they have on my life.

Practical Application:

Do you have a baby in Heaven?

How did they change your life?

I’d love for you to share in the comments today so we can all remember our babies together this Mother’s Day!

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2 Responses to “Mother’s Day”

  1. Jenn May 13, 2013 at 11:33 am #

    Oh Kayla, how your words always touch my heart! Probably because we are linked by a loving Lord and we believe on his principles that he has laid out for us in His Word. It will always tie us together… I have to say, today’s (yesterday’s post really) has blessed me and calmed my fears. I do not have any babies in heaven, but we are currently expecting baby #3 (yay!) –we haven’t told many outside the family yet, and now you! However, I have had a fear recently of losing this one. It may be all made up in my mind, but you are the 2nd person to share of losses within the last two days, and it has comforted me, knowing that if it does happen, I am not in control anyway! And I know that! It’s just hard to deal with sometimes. So as we go on in this pregnancy, I know that I certainly can help keep this baby healthy, but I cannot control what happens. Thank you for posting this, I just didn’t know the struggles that you and Josh have had. It’s nice to be that open and others can gain strength through your story. Thank you Kayla!!!!

    • Kayla Gulick May 13, 2013 at 5:33 pm #

      First of all – CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

      Secondly, fear of losing a pregnancy is SO common! I was afraid with all my pregnancies. My mom had 3 miscarriages and a still born around 20 weeks so I felt like my chances were higher (although that’s not exactly how it works.)

      Speaking truth into your mind is the greatest weapon you have. It’s a wonderful way to rejoice through the fear and also to prepare yourself ahead of time should you ever need to walk that road.
      There is so much wisdom in accepting that God is in control and your happiness comes from serving Him, not from anything you have or don’t have (including children – or gender of children, as it was for me.)

      I’m so looking forward to the updates on this pregnancy! Thanks for sharing! And lots of love to your whole family during this exciting time!!!

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