Train Wreck

15 Jun

Confession time.

For the last two weeks I’ve been unusually emotional, frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed, annoyed, irritable, and dissatisfied. To be honest, even as I type this post, I’m not exactly sure why.

Hormones? Stress? Satan? Kids? Husband?

Summer break is here and even though I’ve already yelled politely asked my children not to hit each other, go outside and play, take turns, clean up your mess, don’t change your clothes 10 times a day,  no -I’m not bending the rules on that even though it’s summer break, yes you still have to wait until the weekend to have pop, yes we have to take a bath every day now that you’re filthy and swimming in the pond, about 115 times already – I haven’t felt like my mood has anything to do with them. Maybe I’m only kidding myself on that?

And, for the last 3-4 years I’ve spent my early mornings before the kids get up and before I even touch the computer with a cup of coffee and my Bible reading 3-4 chapters. However, once January came, our church decided to do a reading plan together of one chapter a day (in attempt to make it easy enough for everyone to do, and to make sure we were soaking up what we were reading) I started doing that and did it until the end of May.  I didn’t like it at all.  I felt like I wasn’t in the Word for long enough and I like to read my Bible straight through and this jumped all over the place.  So June 1st I went back to reading 2-3 chapters each morning in order, and feel like my Bible reading is MUCH better for my spirit, and yet – I’m acting more like a train wreck than any time at all in the last 6 months.

Have you ever felt like you are watching yourself saying, doing, behaving, acting in a way that is really inappropriate or wrong and somehow you just can’t get control of your flesh?  Not like an out-of-body experience,  but a state of being conscious enough to know you need to get it together, but almost like you’re being controlled by something else and you just can’t.

That. is. me.

Oh, but did I mention – I’m not at all acting like this toward anyone but my husband.  Doesn’t that make it so much better??!! Ugh.

I’m so frustrated and mad about that.  It seems simple right?  Knock it off.  Stop acting like an idiot.  Get it together. Have more patience.  Be more understanding.  Speak more kindly.  Smile and be more gentle.

Remember, we’re working on the fruits of the spirit in our home – and I’m also teaching my kids about the acts of the flesh.

Sadly, if they were watching me interact with my husband when they’re not around, I’d be a lovely example of what NOT TO DO!

(I might just add a little plug for my husband that he’s ridiculously loving and forgiving. His heart toward letting things go and starting fresh is so overwhelming it makes me cry just thinking about how understanding and patient he is with me and has been over the last 11 years.)

I think I’m hoping if I type this out maybe I’ll get it together.  In an accountability sort of way.

Practical Application:

1.) Apologize.  Even though the “I’m sorry’s” seem jaded if you just repeat the offense… it’s still appropriate to confess and ask forgiveness.

2.) I think I’m going to try to ask for a code word, facial gesture, hug, something – I’ll let my husband give me some ideas, to visually and verbally make me stop, take a breath, pray (remember these steps from before…….) and walk away until I can get it together.

3.) I think it’s time to get back to fasting.  I’ve taken a pretty significant break, and I’m quite certain I need to regain control over my flesh and purposefully deny myself in order to elevate my heart to the Lord.



2 Responses to “Train Wreck”

  1. howsyourlovelife June 15, 2013 at 9:27 am #

    Acknowledgement is the first step, good job! And asking for forgiveness is crucial, even if it has to be done over and over. You know it’s no coincidence that this is your battle while teaching your family about the fruits of the Spirit. It makes sense from a distance, you may not be able to see it while standing in the wreckage. Hold yourself to a higher standard and step away from the carnage.

    • Kayla Gulick June 15, 2013 at 10:51 am #

      Thank you for holding me against truth from a distance! Real support comes in the form of boldly walking someone through the next steps. Thank you friend. I really appreciate it!!!

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