Tears, tears and more tears

26 Jun

I am convinced that no man will ever truly understand what I’m about to type…. but almost every woman will.

Sometimes a good cry is just what you need.  Sometimes you’re crying and you don’t know why.  Sometimes you want to stop crying, and you can’t! – the tears just keep pouring down your cheeks.  And every emotion can lead to tears.

I’ve shed a lot an unfathomable amount of tears in the last 4 days.  And no – I’m not on my period. 

I’m struggling with parenting.

For the first time in over two months, I’m willing to say that again.  You see, I was grossly misunderstood on a post that wasn’t even about being a parent at all, and one of the comments really attacked me and especially in an extremely vulnerable area.

I’m not upset about it, nor am I holding any anger or unforgiveness. I actually think it’s good sometimes to hear what people really think.  I find that it’s a huge growing opportunity and gives us bare bones realities to see exactly what’s inside of us.  Remember that post before about the lemon and the orange?  When I’m squeezed, I want to know sweet orange juice is coming out, and not sour lemon juice from a lemon painted orange. (If I lost you, go back and read this.)

So when I read this “Being a stay-at-home mom is a joy and a privilege. Quit complaining. Go to work. Let someone else raise the children you brought into this world. Problem solved.”  I had a lot to think about.

The thing is, I love being a mommy.  I went through a period of not knowing if we’d have kids, and faced miscarriages.  And I hit a really low point in my life.  It was then that God taught me about joy – and about idols.  Hard, hard seasons, HUGE, HUGE lessons!

Now, I have 4 kids ages 2-8.  Every day they make me smile.  Every day I can’t wait to give them hugs and kisses.  Every day I feel complete when I get to watch them tackle something new.  Every day I experience pride and excitement when they do cute little things that no one else cares about but my husband and I can’t wait to tell each other.  Every day I’m so thankful they’re healthy and home with me. Every day I’m glad I get to comfort and protect these little lives that God entrusted to us.

And every day, I want to strangle one of them.  Every day I am scared I’m going to lose my mind.  Every day I have to hide in the bathroom and either cry, breath, or cuss them out in my mind. Every day I feel suffocated by all the responsibility that comes with taking care of a family of 6 people.  Every day I reach a point where if I hear “MOOOOOOOMMY” one more time I might stab a pencil through my ears.

Does that make me a bad mom?  Yes.  I never claimed to be a good mom.  I never claimed to be a good person.  I never claimed to have it all together.  I never claimed to be an expert in anything.  I never begged anyone to read along proclaiming that I’ll ever write anything worth reading.  I never once said that as a Christian, I’ll be perfect, flawless or worthy of following anything I do or say.

However, I am a Christian.  And maybe I need to better clarify that.

Christians still sin sometimes.  They make mistakes.  They stumble.  They hurt people.  They say things they regret.  They aren’t perfect.  They have flaws.  They have strong-holds and temptations.

BUT – what sets a Christian apart from a non-Christian is that they believe that Jesus came to die and forgive them for those sins, which allows for grace and mercy to cover all of that. That’s not a cop-out to keep living in sin.  The mark of a true believer in Christ is that they will continually be working to rid and leave their life of sin and live by the power of the Holy Spirit inside of them.

I’m growing as a wife and mother.  It might be slow.  It might not be pretty.  I might be worse than those really, really good moms out there who never lose their cool, always play games all day, never seem to need a break, let things spill all over the floor 30 times and still respond with an “uh oh, it’s OK buddy”, and have a smile on their face all day every day. And that might leave me as a big target for judgment.

All I can do is keep working at dying to self while letting my four little sweeties needs/desires become more important than my own.

Practical Application:

Don’t let others judgments be your truth.  No one else is walking in your shoes, with your circumstances, with your realities and they’re only evaluating what they *think* they would do in your shoes.

Whatever your weak areas are, don’t hide them.  Satan will only torment your thoughts even more if you’re trying to work on something all by yourself.  Be honest, and find someone who can listen and offer godly help.

Give yourself some grace too.  No one ever became perfect at anything quickly except for the only thing that matters – the instant we become perfect in Christ by believing in our hearts and confessing with our mouths. 

 

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9 Responses to “Tears, tears and more tears”

  1. Merrie Beth June 26, 2013 at 10:03 pm #

    I think so many more people need to believe this: “Whatever your weak areas are, don’t hide them. Satan will only torment your thoughts even more if you’re trying to work on something all by yourself. Be honest, and find someone who can listen and offer godly help.” Satan thrives on our isolation.

    Thanks for being vulnerable. It’s so refreshing. My favorite blogs are the ones where women share their accomplishments AND their CURRENT struggles. Nobody ever arrives and only one man was perfect.

    • Kayla Gulick June 26, 2013 at 10:08 pm #

      Thank you for the support.

      I love reading about people overcoming sin – that’s what it’s all about!!!!
      However, I’ve come to realize that my calling in ministry is always most effective for me and for others when I speak on my struggles, especially WHILE I’m in them.
      Every time I’ve ever tried to give a testimony after the fact, it’s left people feelings like I was “preaching at them” or bragging. So, I accepted a few years back that God wanted to use me in the middle of my growth. And I always pray when I post that just one person out there finds hope and feels like someone gets it.

  2. joyfullysubmitted June 27, 2013 at 12:05 am #

    Kayla, this is a BEAUTIFUL post, my friend! Your honesty ang genuine humility are refreshing and encouraging! Also a mom of four, my teenagers recall the many ‘mental health days’ I took during their younger years… The games of ‘Catch a Bubble’ and ‘My name has been change to Silence’!!!! God was soooooooo graceful to me during those years… I did NOT lose my mind or take one of theirs, though I saw some scenes play out in my mind that petrified me once or twice. It is by his grace that we have children and it is by that same grace that we raise them in the fear and knowledge of Him. Thank you so much for your transparency! ❤

    • Kayla Gulick June 27, 2013 at 7:05 am #

      Thank you Selena!!

      It brings a lot of hope to my heart that I will get through this season and better times are ahead.

      I appreciate you reading along and offering your wisdom and love.

      Hugs!!

  3. Bronda July 1, 2013 at 10:15 am #

    Kayla, I so appreciate your honesty here. With my two eldest (now 18 and 15), I didn’t know it was okay to have those moments where you feel like stabbing a pencil through your ears! I beat myself up over and over again for not being a “good Christian mom.” However, with my youngest (3), I find I can give myself (and her!) more grace; I know it is okay to take a step back or even a “mommy time-out” so I can gather my thoughts and respond appropriately to the situation. I would, however, take exception to one part of your post. “Does that make me a bad mom? Yes.” I disagree!!! You’re not a bad mom, you’re a REAL mom who loves her family and does the best you can with God’s help to care for them, love on them, and demonstrate Christ to them. May God continue to bless you as you walk with Him and care for your family!!

    • Kayla Gulick July 1, 2013 at 10:34 am #

      Thank you Bronda!!

      I am so glad that we as mom’s can be real and honest and support each other in parenting. It’s not always easy. And it takes a lot of dying to self to raise children!

      I’m so thankful for your comment and your support!!

  4. Meghan July 17, 2013 at 7:45 pm #

    You are SO REAL! I love it, I don’t have kids but I needed to read this today! I think as a Christian sometimes you are expected to be a peppy Jesus cheerleader all day, hit the splits, toss your pom poms and be June Cleaver. But we have emotions too, I am not saying go out and live a wreckless life but it takes time to master this and I think you are doing a fabulous job. We are all on the journey together.

    -Meghan

    • Kayla Gulick July 17, 2013 at 10:02 pm #

      THANK YOU!! I needed to read a comment like that today. I just finished a very deep and gut wrenching post for tomorrow and even before I post it, you’re speaking peace right to my heart! I appreciate your words so much!!

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