Confidence

3 Jul

*** Warning – this post is going to contain content intended for MARRIED COUPLES ONLY!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever heard it said “Confidence is the most sexy thing you can put on?”

That is 100%, undeniably, incredibly true!!

Before I had any of my kids, I was really comfortable with my body.  From that comfort, confidence came really easily.  Knowing what I know now, I wish I hadn’t used that confident comfort in the manner and fashion that I did, but once I was married – that was actually a HUGE blessing to my marriage.

There was never any reservation, intimidation or hesitation when it came to getting naked and being visible to my husband and available to meet his sexual desires when we were intimate.

I thought my body was the only source (or rather, only important source) of attraction for him. (Because we’re all hammered constantly with the truth that men are visual)

So naturally, when my body changed after having four children – I felt unattractive, undesirable, and intimidated.  Those feelings striped every ounce of confidence I had and left me timid, reserved, and resistant.

When I look in the mirror, all I see is saggy, lifeless skin that use to be boobs, stretch marks, and loose flab that never tightens back up even a fraction of a centimeter no matter how many crunches I do.

I can’t fathom that my husband can see anything other than that as well.  Which has resulted in LIGHTS OUT, ignored requests, and a slew of “ummm,  I’m sorry – I just can’t try that / do that anymore.”

One day while listening to a talk on intimacy, I heard something similar to this phrase, and I wept.

“There is more to meeting his need for sex, than being willing to participate. Being confident, available, and unreserved with passion, desire and excitement is the key to fulfilling his deepest need.”

I’m not bragging but I’ve never told my husband ” no ” to sex.  In fact, if I’m being honest, I tend to be the one with the higher drive in our marriage.  It’s always been that way.  However, just because I haven’t said “no” doesn’t mean I’ve fulfilled him completely. Those words “confident and unreserved” pierced my heart.

My husband has NEVER, EVER once said anything about not being fulfilled, satisfied, or disappointed with my new body.  In fact, he’s very vocal with compliments and reassurance.

BUT  – hear me on this – someone shouldn’t need to complain for me to recognize my own faults and know that I need to change and do better.

So, how do we get our confidence back when we don’t like what we see in the mirror?

A couple of tips from  me –

– Be willing to show off what you’re not self conscious about with more intent. (If you’re comfortable with your breast but not your stomach, buy lingerie that shows them off while still covering your stomach. Or, buy a really cheap tank top and cut a big slit in it and make your own.)

– Be sexy in a way you still feel safe.  Candlelight is a good way to “see” without being in the spot light.

– Be creative in a way that makes you appear more confident than you are.  Take off an item of clothing and throw it at him where he can’t see you, but obviously knows what you’re intending.

– Be more vocal than seen.  Confidence and desire can be powerfully spoken and don’t always have to be visual.

– Once you grow in confidence a little more – try something he wants to try that you might often say no to.  Just your saying “YES” will often bring extreme enjoyment and fulfillment to him!!

– Take the time to research and invest in things that make you feel confident.

For example, I’ll share what has changed my confidence dramatically lately.  I saw on Pinterest an article about finding a bra that fits properly.  I wouldn’t have even paid it a bit of attention (because I’ve heard all about finding the right fitting bra and yet still, I never can) but the post said ” I thought I was a 38 A but I’m actually a 34 D – and I was interested to see why this lady was so crazy.

The article blew my mind.  (Read it here.)

And I measured myself.  I was wearing a 34 B full coverage or a 34 C push up bra.  And this said I was a 30 D / DD. (Learn how to measure yourself here.)

I had no idea you could even get a 30- something bra and was really afraid to order any bras in that size, but I researched a specific store and knew that I could return them if it was a total mistake and decided to buy two.  (Buy from THIS STORE.)

I FELL IN LOVE!!!!  They FIT!!  I mean, for the first time EVER, I have bras that FIT me! They don’t ride up, I don’t flop out, they don’t gap, they don’t pucker, they don’t make me have a uni-boob, they give me lift without making me look like a hooker – they are AWESOME!!

Not only are they better for everyday life (because bras are a necessity and everyone knows one that fits properly obviously makes the most sense), they are also better in the bedroom.  Because they hold me in place and give my life-less boobs an actual shape again, they also remove some of the flab from my belly by holding my breasts up instead of the weight of them hanging down.

I feel a million times better getting dressed to face my day – but better than that, I’m willing to let him see me again with more confidence!

I strongly recommend you check them out!

PS – I know you girls from the UK that read my blog are laughing at me right now for not knowing this, but seriously, us American girls are not taught to shop for bras this way!!

Practical Application –

If you’ve lost any of your confidence – or ALL of your confidence…. take this seriously!!!!  It’s time, TODAY to start to get it back.

Practice makes perfect.  Put yourself out there and try any idea you want.  I guarantee you his reaction (especially if you’ve been withholding or reserved for YEARS) will blow his mind and surprise the heck out of you. The more positive interactions you have…. the easier it will become and the more your confidence will grow!

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8 Responses to “Confidence”

  1. howsyourlovelife July 3, 2013 at 9:25 am #

    I love this! Have you read the book Intimate Issues by Dillow & Pintus? We have a group of 20 women reading it and discussing it this summer, and it supports everything you’re saying here (minus the bra info). By the way, looking into the bra info now!

    • Kayla Gulick July 3, 2013 at 9:38 am #

      I have heard SO much about that book but I haven’t actually read it!! I need to request that one from the library!! I’m totally jealous of the group of 20 women. I want to join 🙂

      And the bra info is SO worth it!! Just a little note, the bra made me a little sore between the breasts for the first week because I wasn’t use to a bra fitting in that manner. I don’t have any issues now though at all, so it was worth it to get through that discomfort for the first week. Kinda like breaking in a new pair of shoes!!

  2. trixie1466 July 3, 2013 at 1:13 pm #

    Kayla,

    Really great post. Women absolutely need to hear this. Also about my comment on your Kryptonite post. Just disregard. My heart was in a bad place just then. I very much enjoy your blog.

    Trixie1466

    • Kayla Gulick July 3, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

      Trixie1466,

      Thank you!

      And no worries at all — I didn’t think a thing of it 🙂

      Kayla

  3. ronfurg July 8, 2013 at 3:43 pm #

    Kayla — Thinking back on your posting on bikinis — please check out the following link which may be of interest to you and your readers. http://www.churchleaders.com/worship/worship-videos/168690-q-ideas-the-evolution-of-the-swimsuit.html or http://bit.ly/14DZR7l. It is a video of Jessica Rey, Evolution of the swim suit, on modesty, which I believe you’ll appreciate. Ron <

  4. learning1 July 10, 2013 at 11:30 pm #

    Love this post. My husband has told me confidence is so important – but your info on finding confidence after children has given me a renewed spirit to take care of me so I have something to give though I may go about it differently! I appreciate the info on undergarment fit because this is a big deal! It is something I was never taught and am excited to finally figure this out! Already I am affected just thinking about changing this up! Thank you.

    • Kayla Gulick July 11, 2013 at 7:19 am #

      Absolutely! Finding what works for you is key – and will bring your both so much more enjoyment and happiness 🙂
      And I hope you find some new garments that really fit and are more useful!!

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