Loose Cannon

16 Jul

Is anyone following the respect date by Nina Roesner on Peacefulwife’s blog?

 

I’ve been reading along – but the library didn’t have the book in when I wanted it for July 1st.  It’s in today though so I’ll head over and pick it up.  I’m looking forward to reading the book TWICE!  Learning respect the way God designed is so foreign to anything we see of respect in the world.  So, it takes a lot more than hearing about it one time to retrain our hearts and minds and really grasp what it looks like and how to live it out!

Anyway, today’s post, (which I linked at the top of the page) reminded me of my own words throughout my marriage – and how my tongue use to be a loose cannon.

If I ever got upset, disappointed, hurt, or embarrassed — you really needed to find a place and duck & cover – because if you were in earshot, you were going to get destroyed.  Especially if you had anything to do with assisting in my negative feelings.

Somehow growing up, words became my only defense.  You hurt me, then I’m going to hurt you right back.  And honestly, probably worse – because I had mastered the art of saying the most nasty and unimaginable things to say to those whom I supposedly loved so much.

My husband has been on the receiving end of this massacre more than one time.

Sometimes I’d fire in an all out, purposeful verbal assault.  And other times, it’d be under my breath or barely in earshot.  And sometimes, it wasn’t even to him – it was just in my own heart. (Which please, please don’t underestimate how dangerous and destructive just thinking negative thoughts can be!!  What you meditate on, you believe – and what you believe, you live.)

It’s always the worst too when others were witness to these mistakes.  One time, my husband and brother-in-law went on a business trip for a week and my sister-in-law and I were on our way to the airport to pick them up.  Josh and I had been married for 2 years and I was about 12 weeks pregnant with our first son.  This was his second trip in just 3 weeks, and in the time he was gone, I had quit my job working for a place in which the boss was really awful to me, and wasn’t sure where I was going to work and we needed both incomes with a baby on the way.  There were a lot of unknown factors, a lot of tension, HORMONES like I never knew existed, nausea – oy, and just flat-out missing my husband and needing to reconnect.  Oh, right… and remember – I had just quit smoking about 4-5 weeks earlier….  and he was still smoking.

He called me to tell me that the flight was delayed.  I came unglued.  I don’t even remember what all I said (I’m sure you could ask my sister-in-law, she’d remember) but I know it was along the lines of that being unacceptable – and him needing to tell them he wants his money back and on a flight immediately. ((I’m certain there was a lot of swearing and really angry tones in there….)

?????  Just thinking back on that story makes me shake my head.  REALLY?  Like he’s going to demand a flight out?  Clearly, I was not thinking with a sound mind and I used zero restraint on my emotions.

There was another time when we’d been married between 4-5 years and Josh had really hurt me.  I had a legitimate reason to be broken. However, in my brokenness – instead of using it to practice grace, forgiveness, mercy and understanding (because I have hurt him PLENTY of times) I used it as an opportunity to verbally destroy him.  We were on the phone and I know I was screaming an onslaught of horrible things to which I finally said “I wish you weren’t their Dad.”

Oh the regret.  The shame.  The disappointment.  The humiliation.  The sorrow.  The remorse. The countless tears over those events.

How I wish I could take every hurtful word back and never let them leave my lips.

How I long to know then what I know now – in spiritual maturity and godly wisdom!

 

Am I perfect now?  Of course not.  It’s still a struggle sometimes to hold my tongue when I have a strong opinion or when my feelings are really hurt.

But – I’m not a loose cannon anymore.  And for that, I am so thankful.  My regret list isn’t growing nearly at the rate it use to grow.

Practical Application –

Practice restraint.  The tongue has the power to speak life or death — appreciate it’s power and allow the Holy Spirit to win the temptation battle.  When you think the words and pause for a second, that’s the nudge of the Holy Spirit saying – Don’t! – Let that pause speak louder than drowning out the pause by speaking over it with destruction.

The hope for us all is that as we grow in Christ, even thinking the words that speak death will happen less and less.  But as we break these habits, it doesn’t happen immediately.  It takes intentional work.  But work that we’ll never regret.

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2 Responses to “Loose Cannon”

  1. BROKENBUTNOTFORGOTTEN August 19, 2013 at 6:42 am #

    I came across your Blog through http://peacefulwife.com/ and I had a chance to read a few of your post and I love your insight that you share. I especially love this one because my tongue was like a wildfire running rampant but God has been working on me and I can say it is not as wild as before thank the Lord for that! Like you when I am hurt I tend to want to hurt back too but I am learning this is not what extending grace and mercy is. So I am trying to learn God’s way by letting Him bridle my tongue and letting the Holy Spirit do the talking not always easy especially when your mind is flashing in rage mode! But God has calm me down a lot and my husband is grateful for it and so am I, it makes more of a peaceful home to live for the both of us. God Bless….

    • Kayla Gulick August 19, 2013 at 6:47 am #

      That’s fantastic! Thanks for sharing. This is one of those areas that once we recognize our fault, we long for it to be changed completely immediately – but sadly, years of bad habits don’t always correct themselves instantaneously. But – putting in the hard word is so good for our characters! And it causes us to lean on God and lean on each other as believers. Thanks for reading along!

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