What I can learn.

20 Aug

I’ve found myself wishing lately that my husband could learn more about his behaviors from my actions and reactions to things.  It’s easy for me (because I know how I feel and what I’m thinking) to sit back (even with a little judgment) and wonder “why isn’t this more obvious to you?”

Let me put this into every day life.

There are things that my husband says and does that naturally feel loving, inviting, safe, fulfilling, and romantic.

For example:

– When he says “You look great, hot, sexy, today.”

– When he helps clean up the kitchen.

– When he hugs me for really no reason at all.

– When he’s talkative (Especially about his feelings.)

– When he prays for our family.

– When he completes a project on our home.

– When he spends time with us, like taking a walk or a bike ride.

– When he gets cleaned up (shaved, nice clothes, cologne.)

– When he listens to me say something embarrassing or tough and he is supporting and doesn’t ridicule.

– When he forgives me quickly.

– When he does something I hadn’t even asked him to do.

– When he plays with the kids or lets them sit on his lap and share a snack.

Something instantly happens in me when I see these things that I don’t do “on purpose” but that I simply can’t contain either.

I’m excited, talkative, smiley, interactive, more focused, appreciative, and always want to be near him, touching him, and initiating intimacy (even in the middle of the day! *Gasp* by being more unreserved and willing to let him “see” more.)

 

On the flip of that, there are things that he says and does that cause me to tend to feel unsafe, embarrassed, quiet, reserved, private, withdrawn, unappreciated, unfulfilled, unneeded, unwanted, and yes – even angry.

– When I feel like the maid.

– When I feel unnoticed. (Especially if I tried to look nice for him.)

– When I feel lonely.  If I’m wanting to cuddle or be held and he’s not picking up on my subtle hints.

– When I really want to know his heart on something and he isn’t willing to talk (or might not know what he wants to say yet.)

– When I see a million projects that need done, and he just wants to nap.

– When I don’t like or struggle with the television show choice.

– When he doesn’t do something I ask right away, or ends up forgetting.

– When I feel like his preferences automatically trump mine without compromise. (This might be the toughest one ladies.)

Something happens in me automatically that I don’t feel “on purpose” that makes me feel unloved, unsafe and not cherished when these things happen.

The results can tend to make me more quiet, spend more time on the computer, less smiley, less interested in being pleasant toward my husband, reserved (not cuddling at night, leaving more clothes on in the bedroom, wanting it totally dark and not wanting him to look at me.)

 

–Let me add a little side note — I am NOT condoning pouting, rude, disrespectful or manipulative behavior!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is NOT how a godly wife responds to her husband, no matter what is going on.  I am talking about our natural emotions that aid in us opening up or closing off.  The things that instantly turn us on, make us feel loved, appreciated, safe, and fulfilled versus the things that turn us off, make us feel hurt, distant, unloved, or unfulfilled.  IT IS NOT ALWAYS THE INTENTION OF OUR HUSBANDS TO BE HURTFUL and they DEFINITELY have needs, emotions, and preferences too.  Please do not read this as if I’m saying “How dare he do the things in the second list.”  I am NOT saying that AT ALL!! I’m saying that naturally those things make *me* personally struggle with being open, loving and happy.  BUT – I can still choose to be those things, (which is GOOD AND RIGHT) even if it doesn’t come naturally.  — But that is for another post —

Yesterday I got to thinking…. if my behavior is giving off what seems to me as obvious hints, then that means his behavior probably is too.

Which has led me to ask some tough questions about how oblivious I can be at times.

What is happening when he’s less interested in talking?

How has his demeanor changed after different interactions we’ve had?

What has happened during the day when he’s excited to initiate sex?

What words have I used throughout the night when he’s less interested in cuddling and just wants to go to sleep quickly?

Practical Application –

Before spending so much time analyzing how “obvious” things should be for someone else, ESPECIALLY my husband…. spend some time in reflection about how self-absorbed I can be, and what obvious things I might be missing or overlooking from him.

Make a running list that can be added to over the next two weeks and jot down the things I notice that make him instantly light up and the times when he seems more shut down.  This will help me discover HIS NEEDS, and make me more aware of how I can build him up daily.

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4 Responses to “What I can learn.”

  1. Rick@RomanticHusbands.com August 20, 2013 at 11:12 am #

    Wow, this post really speaks to me. Especially “- When I feel like his preferences automatically trump mine without compromise. (This might be the toughest one ladies.)”. I would agree, this is the toughest one. It jumped right out at me as I was reading.

    My wife and I really struggle with this. Even when I try to be accommodating and do what she likes, I struggle. Now perhaps I’m just not sensitive enough, which could be true. But I think it has more to do with my wife not being direct enough. Even when I ask what she would like and she responds with “What do you think about….”. Now silly me, I think you are asking me for my critical thoughts on your suggestions. You would think after all these years I would learn to translate this into, “This is what I want”. No, instead I come up with what I think are comparable alternatives to consider. I am weighing the pros and cons and expecting a dialog with my wife on a choice we can agree upon. Instead, my wife feels like my preferences are more important than hers, when in fact, I don’t have a preference. If she had just said “This is what I want”, I would be happy with her choice.

    A husband does like to please his wife. We just need to know how.

    • Kayla Gulick August 20, 2013 at 12:10 pm #

      This is a fantastic response and I’m sure relates to almost ALL marriages!!!!!!!

      Yes, we women DO need to be more straight forward and stop trying to drop subtle hints.

      We struggle with the thought “If I tell him what to do, he’s only doing it because I said so but he really doesn’t want to.”
      That’s a game Satan LOVES to play!!!
      It’s wise for us to get past that thought and remember that if a husband responds with doing as we ask – it IS because he wants to and he’s loving us and meeting our needs.

      Thanks for sharing!!

  2. learning1 August 20, 2013 at 1:06 pm #

    Thank you for this Kayla; I am able to relate so well. Good stuff here! Interested in reading from you on your thoughts on doing what is right when it doesn’t come natural as well. I think that is at the heart of following Christ. We learn a new way which is not natural to us, but that we want what Christ wants more than our natural response! 🙂

    • Kayla Gulick August 20, 2013 at 1:12 pm #

      I like the way you worded so perfectly! I agree completely. I hope to have that post up later this week 🙂

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