Love Languages

5 Sep

There are a number of circumstances and situations in life when we’re tempted to act inappropriately flip our freakin’ lid resulting in screaming, cussing, accusing, weeping, pouting, or the silent treatment.

Things like:

Being exhausted.

Being hungry.

Being hormonal.

Continual mishaps in a short period of time (the window breaks, someone spills a glass of milk all over the floor while you’re sitting down to supper, and then your car battery dies.)

Being mistreated at work.

Being stressed with children.

Being overwhelmed with financial woes.

(Clearly not an exhaustive list here…..)

But I’ve noticed that I need to move a big fat (clearly obvious to me after this past weekend) answer ALL the way to the top of the list.

 

If you’ve never read The Five Love Languages – you should.  It’s a big eye opener for helping us understand that we don’t all receive love in the same ways.  And helps us understand why people in our lives desperately try to love us in what feels like to us, “awkward” ways.

I wish I could change my love language.  Mostly because I don’t like the way people look at me when I talk about it.  If it isn’t your love language – you might perceive it as “selfish, materialistic, spoiled, greedy” but that is SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH!!!

My love language is “gifts.”

– Come home from work with my favorite box of $.99 candy and I’ll be on top of the mountain the whole night –  because it shows that you thought of me, know me well enough to know my favorite candy, and wanted to do something special for me just because.

– Send me a random unprompted text or email and my heart will overflow with joy.

– Save secret money to buy me something I want desperately but would never allow myself to splurge on and well – I won’t even TELL you what kind of reward I’d offer for that one!

Having the love language of gifts does not mean we want thousands of dollars dropped on us a year.  Not even close.  Leaving hidden love notes or picking wild flowers is completely sufficient to fulfill this need.

My husband and I DO NOT have the same love languages AT ALL.  And I HATE that.  H A T E – yes HATE, HATE, HATE that.

I feel like if he received love the same way I do – it’d be a heck of a lot easier for him to love me the way I feel it most.

And that same truth goes for me too.  Often times I don’t “think through” all my words, and he hears a lot of critical comments simply because I’m neglecting to dish out a bunch of positive ones.

I’m wondering if any of my readers married someone who naturally speaks the same love language as they do?  Is it as great as I have it in my mind to be?  Or am I missing some hidden negatives that come into play?

For the rest of us, if your spouse has a different love language than you do – do you know how to speak it well?  Do they speak your love language to you?

What have you done to deal with this, improve this, ignore this?

Practical Application –

Let’s chat about this one in the comments……

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9 Responses to “Love Languages”

  1. Rick@RomanticHusbands.com September 6, 2013 at 9:48 am #

    Great post. Men and women do speak different languages. It amazes me how we can interpret the same words so differently. I think that most men don’t even realize how our wives misinterpret the things we say. We are clueless most of the times when our wives are angry with us for something we said. Men often misinterpret the things women say as well.

    I would like to change the topic and focus on something you said that caught my attention. You touched on some of the “gifts” your husband brings you (which are wonderful examples). You talk about how much you appreciate the simple gestures and you hint at how you would show your appreciation, ” I won’t even TELL you what kind of reward I’d offer for that one!”. I assume you are referring to some sexually intimate act of love. I thought how wonderful it was for your husband to receive your appreciation and how wonderful it was for you to be able to reciprocate your husbands gift in such a meaningful way.

    As I read your words, I started thinking about how I could show my appreciation to my wife for the things she does for me. Oh, how I wish it was as easy as offering her a sexual act of intimacy. That would be a real win/win. I think the different languages that men and women speak is only scratching the surface of how different men and women think. I can’t think of any one thing that I could do to show my appreciation for my wife that would compare. Perhaps I have it backwards, perhaps you have written the words that tell me how and I just don’t understand.

    • Kayla Gulick September 6, 2013 at 11:33 am #

      Thank you Rick for the FANTASTIC comment!!

      Having a heart to speak your wife’s love language honestly puts you leaps and bounds above other men and in the right direction! I don’t think men (OR women) intend to be unloving — but if it costs them something to try, or takes them from their comfort zone – their natural selfishness can sometimes win out. That’s especially why God calls men to love women the way Christ loves the church – sacrificially.

      I’d love to give you some tips for your wife – but I don’t know what her love language is. Have you read the book “the 5 love languages” together?? That’d be a great start.

      But I bet if you just asked her what things make her feel loved by you — she’d give you a LONG list of things.

      Sometimes we get intimidated to ask our spouse because we feel silly even having to ask – or – we feel like if they tell us, and then we do those things, they won’t think we mean it and we’re just doing it because they said so.
      While there is a small chance that can happen. It’s pretty unlikely that if you’re asking how to speak love, and then being willing to do the suggestions given — that actually speak volumes of love in and of itself.

      I will say though that I don’t think any woman has ever “hated” a random love note, surprise date, or very small gift for no reason at all. I’m willing to bet that’s a universal win for all men if they do those three things!

      • Rick@RomanticHusbands.com September 6, 2013 at 11:46 am #

        Thank you for the suggestions…I think I’ll send my wife a text and ask her how I can show my love for her today.

  2. Gleniece September 6, 2013 at 12:31 pm #

    It’s funny how after we’ve been married awhile we expect our husbands to become male versions of ourselves. You know, think like us, do things the RIGHT way, and, of course, speak the love only we can hear. It took me many painful years later to realize this is not the right mindset to have (not to mention totally disrespectful). Men are different. Period. And we naturally give the love we want in return. I’m constantly doing things for my husband: cleaning, cooking, and organizing. He’s constantly showering me with affection and love words. I get a thrill when he does things for me, and needless to say, he gets a thrill when I’m affectionate with him. I think God gave us these differences to push us to selflessness. Because if it were easy, we would never grow. Sorry for rambling, Kayla, but you got me thinking.:)

    • Kayla Gulick September 6, 2013 at 1:10 pm #

      You’re not rambling at all! I LOVE the thought process you have going there. I agree, it is disrespectful to want our husbands to actually turn into females (and vice versa). However, as you continue on- I think it also DOES push us to selflessness to learn to speak our spouses love language instead of expecting them to just “learn to deal with whatever I feel like doing or how I’m made.”

      I think what I’m saying is this:

      The godly spouses in the world don’t try to manipulate or force their spouses to ‘behave how they think they should’ while at the SAME TIME, working hard to master speaking the love language their spouse receives the easiest instead of only giving what we’re comfortable giving.

  3. howsyourlovelife September 6, 2013 at 1:52 pm #

    My guy is an Acts of Service person, while I’m Quality Time. We try to love on each other by washing the car together or cooking dinner together. We aren’t always successful, but it helps when we can incorporate both our needs at once.

    • Kayla Gulick September 6, 2013 at 2:06 pm #

      GREAT idea!! Those two go hand in hand for some awesome activities 🙂

  4. Rachel Self September 11, 2013 at 5:50 pm #

    My husband and I both have Quality time–so we thought that would be great! But it turns out we define “quality” time in quite different ways…. 😦

    His idea of quality time is: him telling me about his day or us watching TV or a movie together. My idea of quality time is: playing games together, shopping together, sight-seeing together, etc. I don’t want to spend our time talking about to-do lists or work, OR sitting next to each other in silence staring at a screen! To me that’s just not quality, so that’s been really hard for us. It’s especially hard b/c we both work and he’s in school–and we really don’t HAVE time to spend together unless we’re already tired from our days.

    • Kayla Gulick September 11, 2013 at 6:00 pm #

      GOOD POINT about definitions!! Thanks for bringing that to light for us all.

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