Marriage Glue

30 Sep

My husband shocked me this weekend.

We were in the middle of a conversation, and the kids came down stairs jumping, playing, asking questions — being kids.  I pulled them all up on the couch with me and started making a Christmas list.  We usually do this around the end of September every year because I like to know plenty ahead of time what thing they are interested in so we can decide what we truly want to get them (we do a small Christmas) and so I can watch for the absolute best deals.

My husband says, much to my complete SHOCK, “OK kids, are you ready to go back up stairs and play… mom and I were right in the middle of a discussion.”

I about fell over dead.  My husband is a good man — and he loves me.  He enjoys my company and conversations with me.  But SHORT conversations.  I can talk daily for hours, he simply doesn’t need that and can be overwhelmed by too many words.  Especially too many words on the same topic.  So to hear him DESIRE to continue talking about something I was for sure he has long forgotten about in the 30 minutes I was chatting with the kids, blew me away!

And made me love him just a little bit more.  (Kidding…. kinda)

Anyway — we WERE having a really good conversation.  Any conversation in which we both actively participate, without arguing in any way, and helps us understand each other better is intimacy building, for both of us!

We were talking about the absolutes for men and women that apply across the board without fail— EXCEPT during sex.  And how that’s hard for us (as men and women) to master.

For example — I’ll start with women.  All women have the capability to think about multiple things at one time.  Shaunti Fehldman describes this VERY WELL in her book “For Men Only.”  In fact, men — if you don’t have your hands on this book…. GET YOUR HANDS on this book!  This one section was EYE OPENING for my husband.  He stopped mid-sentence when reading this concept and came right away to ask me if this was true.  And yes… it’s VERY true.

Shaunti describes the female mind like a computer screen.  We can have multiple windows open at once, and jump back and forth between them effortlessly, and not even always intentionally.  This is why women can be talking and leave things half unsaid and jump around, and every man is totally lost and every women is up to speed with everything she’s said.

For example, when I’m at the computer, I can be typing a blog – thinking about what time it is so I know when to get my kids up and ready for school, what I plan to lay out for supper tonight, a conversation my best friend and I had on Friday that I can’t wait to ask her about today when we chat, and how excited I am to see our new family picture tonight.  ALL AT THE EXACT SAME TIME.

Men are not wired like this.  They think about one thing fully at a time.  So when one window is up, they work on that until they’re finished (or at a stopping point) then they close that window before opening another one.

HOWEVER — this rule works for women at all times, except in the bedroom.  When a woman is having sex… she has to be fully, 100% engaged, focused, thinking about NOTHING else, concentrating and actively involved or else she won’t be fully invested, able to find enjoyment, or satisfied.

This is often why women say “I’m not in the mood.”  It almost always has to do with too many windows open and they are either completely exhausted from their over stimulated mind, or unable to close the window so they can focus.

On the male side of things, men HATE being told what to do.  In fact, if they are told what to do, they will often refuse to do it.  Simply because they feel disrespected or treated like a child bossed around.  Every woman knows what it’s like to say “Grab the mail on your way in the house” and then end up walking yourself out to the mail box later that day because he didn’t do it.  And we’ve all tried the ask nicely approach too. Something like this “Hey Baby, could you take out the trash please?”  I’ll just put this out there because EVERY female is thinking this right now and I’m going to assume every male is too but just incase they don’t know this…. when a woman asks for something, she literally 90% of the time means RIGHT NOW.  “Hey Baby, can you take out the trash….RIGHT NOW”

If a man does take out the trash, it’ll be in his timing.  Even if he’s just watching the game on TV, the odds that he is going to get up the moment his wife asks him to do something is really slim.  He’ll wait until it’s HIS decision to help her, and he’s not doing it because he was told to do it.

I know we women struggle to fully grasp that completely because we’re not wired like that — but it’s not a negative thing.  It’s just a man working out his need for respect and service to his wife by his own omission and not out of force.

HOWEVER, this theory goes completely out the window during sex.  A man loves nothing more than for his wife to, dare I say, boss him around in the bedroom.  He is fulfilled and elated by her requests, ideas, and initiatives.  And honestly, it doesn’t matter how bossy or demanding it comes across.

Most women struggle with this concept.  We finally understand that we are not suppose to boss our husbands around, but then in the most vulnerable of positions, we’re doing an intensely sexy thing to be a little bossy?

For the sake of the length of this post, and the fact that I don’t want to go much more intimate than that here…. I’m going to allow everyone to finish this conversation with their own spouse.

The only thing I will add is that SEX = Marriage Glue

Sex it literally the ONLY thing you do with your spouse that NO ONE else does.  Sex creates enjoyment that can’t be received elsewhere, it’s intimate and secretive between only two souls, and completely vulnerable and precious.

Really bad sex brings marriage problems.  Really good sex brings instant healing.

Practical Application:

You have one spouse for a lifetime – with one activity that sets your marriage apart from every other relationship.  I propose we work at mastering every aspect of it.  Talk about it, laugh about it, cry about it, experiment, be honest, be teachable, be excited, be interested, be challenged, be adventurous, be selfless, and be determined to be the best two people at having sex on the face of the earth.

It’s your marriage glue.  Make it cement.






12 Responses to “Marriage Glue”

  1. Christine September 30, 2013 at 8:54 am #

    This was an awesome post, thanks Kayla!

    • Kayla Gulick September 30, 2013 at 10:34 am #

      You’re welcome Christine!! And thank you for reading along.

  2. peacefulwife September 30, 2013 at 9:10 am #

    LOVE the conversation you and your husband were having! Isn’t it AWESOME to get to talk about deep things like that often with our men? I LOVE IT!

    It made me smile when your husband wanted to finish having the conversation with you. WOOHOOOOOOO!

    Thank you for sharing. This is very helpful! 🙂

    • Kayla Gulick September 30, 2013 at 10:35 am #

      I smiled too — after I *metaphorically* picked myself up off the floor 🙂

  3. September 30, 2013 at 9:23 am #

    What wonderful insight you have. Thank you very much for putting communication and sex into perspective for both men and women. Men and women do communicate differently, even to the point that the same words have different meanings. I really like your analogy of a woman not being in the mood because there are too many windows open. Husbands could really benefit from this understanding. Closing a few windows is vital to helping my wife transition from one mood to another. You gave one example of how your husband closed a few windows in your story. He got your attention by focusing on you and clearing the way to open communication. I trust it was a rewarding experience for both of you.

    • Kayla Gulick September 30, 2013 at 10:42 am #

      Yes Rick! I was hoping this would help brings some understanding both ways. And you’re SO right… men can help close windows. Just by going more slowly, talking first, and initiating conversation. Thank you so much for male perspectives and understandings. I REALLY appreciate it!!!!!

  4. howsyourlovelife September 30, 2013 at 10:23 am #

    I have heard a similar teaching on the difference between men & women; that a woman’s brain is like a 12 lane interstate and a man’s is like a 2 lane country road, both are great ways to travel, but very different. Sometimes my guy will sense that I am not really there, and say, ‘how can I help you shut down a few of those lanes?’ Maybe I need to discuss something quickly or get help with a task first, before I can be right there with him. I love this post!

    • Kayla Gulick September 30, 2013 at 10:45 am #

      Oh I LOVE that you have mastered the art of him knowing, asking, and helping close lanes (shut windows) This is great encouragement (and ideas) for those of my readers who aren’t there yet. THANK YOU for sharing!!!!

  5. Joe Passkiewicz September 30, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    Great post Kayla! I have described men and women in similar terms to other recently married couples. Funny- how it’s still a struggle even when you realize the differences! We are still a bit selfish- we want it our way! It’s a crazy struggle. Nothing pleases my wife more than a deep conversation and it is often the last thing I want to do after a tough day! The glue is important- too many couples fail to realize the power in the intimacy. Thanks for your insights!

    • Kayla Gulick September 30, 2013 at 6:24 pm #

      You’re so right Joe — it is still a struggle and we do often want it our way.

      I appreciate your honesty and your ministry to other married couples!!

  6. songsofintimacy October 1, 2013 at 12:43 am #

    I have a good quote I like to tell married women/friends… “When all else fails, have sex..I mean make love” 😉 🙂

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