Fall Apart

4 Oct

Over the last few years, I’ve been learning so much about respect, submission, the male brain, the bossy wife, the devastation of male bashing/joking, heart-break from expectations, how to see the best in your spouse, and accepting the way they show love to you.

Some days I am so successful I shock myself.  There are days when this all makes total sense, I’m happy, I accept these truths with ease, I serve selflessly, I enjoy my roles in marriage, I see nothing but amazing qualities in my husband, I appreciate his differences from me and I do marriage very well.

Then there are some days when I fall apart.  There are days when this make no sense at all, I’m miserable, I hate these truths, I serve painfully with contempt, I detest my roles in marriage, I see nothing by failure in my husband, I am angry over his differences and I do marriage terribly.

This leads me to ask myself the question — Am I really changing or am I just suppressing my real thoughts and feelings until I blow up from time to time?

The truth.  I don’t know the answer to that question.

I like to believe I’m getting this, growing, and becoming the wife God wants me to be because at least now when I fall apart, I rarely (not never) do it with anger, fighting, accusations, cussing, demands and bitterness.

Now, I usually get more disappointed in myself for allowing my selfishness to rise so far to the surface that I lose my focus. 

We all have expectations in marriage.  But I’m learning that it’s a FACT that WOMEN come into a marriage with MORE, in fact a WHOLE LOT MORE expectations than men do.

These expectations are often broken which almost always leads to nagging, fighting, accusing, intensely hurt feelings and grave disappointment.

It’s hard, like the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my whole life, (including forgiving those who seem unforgivable, quitting addictions and facing my awful past) to try to lay down these expectations.

If you thought it would be easy being a godly wife, dying to self, and letting your husband off the hook for all your hopes & dreams… you’re wrong.

It’s not easy at all.

Sometimes you fall apart.

But thankfully, there’s enough grace offered from the cross to get back up and try again.

Lamentations 3:22-23

22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

Practical Application –

If you find that being a wife is hard – you’re not alone.

If you fail to be selfless, let go of expectations, and fall apart some days – you’re not alone.

If you have unfulfilled desires, hopes, dreams and needs – you’re not alone.

If you struggle to know if you’re really growing or just suppressing your feelings – you’re not alone.

If you feel like you can’t get this right — YOU’RE NOT ALONE …..

But God’s compassions never fail, they are new every morning.

Get up.  Try again.

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18 Responses to “Fall Apart”

  1. howsyourlovelife October 4, 2013 at 11:14 am #

    Sigh…..with you….

  2. Gleniece October 4, 2013 at 11:33 am #

    Beautiful, Kayla. Needed to hear this today. I sometimes wish I could be programmed NOT tO MOVE FROM THIS SPOT when I’m on the peak of love, submission, and understanding and everything is grand. But then I fail. And I think to myself -where did it all go? I had it all together last week? Oh, the indignity. But so thankful we have God and each other to get us through. Only in God’s Kingdom will that peak be permanant.

    • Kayla Gulick October 4, 2013 at 11:36 am #

      So true Gleniece!!

      Sometimes just knowing those you love and admire fall apart sometimes too is all the strength you need to get back up and keep moving forward.

      I often think — if I didn’t fall anymore, I’m prideful enough that I’d probably forget where I came from… and just how much I need God every minute of every day to keep going.

  3. Mandy October 4, 2013 at 11:34 am #

    I really struggle with this issue too. Just when I think I’m doing well, or my husband even says that I’m doing really well as wife/mother lately, I turn around and blow it completely! Which just makes me feel like I’m a failure and am never going to change. I truly believe that is Satan getting into my thoughts and making me feel hopeless.

    It’s NOT an easy journey to be a Godly wife. But it’s worth it. Keep looking to God, and don’t give up! You are a big encouragement to me. Thanks for being so real and honest about these tough topics.

    • Kayla Gulick October 4, 2013 at 11:38 am #

      I so feel you Mandy. Satan does a lot of talking to me too!!!

      I’m often reminded of the verse than in my weakness, He is strong.

      Should I become too strong on my own… I don’t think Christ would shine as brightly anymore.

      Hang in there girl! We’re on this journey together!

  4. Nyillah October 4, 2013 at 11:38 am #

    Great ready thanks for shearing god bless!!

    • Kayla Gulick October 4, 2013 at 11:39 am #

      You’re welcome! Thanks for the encouragement 🙂

  5. learning1 October 4, 2013 at 12:11 pm #

    Thanks for being so honest!! It keeps the “crazy” feelings away to know other people feel this way too! That is one thing I love about when people are honest. We can pick each other up and keep on walking that path together and not feel so alone! You are not alone in these feelings and ups and downs! Thank you again! Keep it up!

    • Kayla Gulick October 4, 2013 at 12:13 pm #

      You’ve always been a constant support I can expect to hear from during the highs and lows. I appreciate you reading along and doing life honestly with me! Thanks so much!

  6. justme October 4, 2013 at 12:46 pm #

    So, does it help to know that even after 36 yrs of marriage I still fight these things? So many days I can’t help but wonder “why is this so hard”?
    So many times I have to remind myself that Satan is relentless.

    • Kayla Gulick October 4, 2013 at 12:55 pm #

      Yes — oh yes it does help to know that after 36 years, you still understand exactly what I’m saying. I’m not happy for you. I wish we all could arrive to flawless, selfless, sacrificial love — but this earthly hold… it’s so…. strong. And my flesh… it’s so… weak.

      Thank you so much for walking with me.

  7. Holly October 4, 2013 at 1:43 pm #

    I can relate to this post very much, because I know how hard being a wife that is trying to do things God’s way can be. I also find myself doing well sometimes and then failing many other times. I believe this is very, very normal. When you mention how you’re not sure if you’re suppressing feelings to the point of blowing up, it made me think a lot. I think we battle our flesh each day, and sometimes we are filled with God’s grace and other days we are wracked with sin or maybe being knocked down by the devil. It seems natural to have these inclinations to see fault in our husbands, to want to take control, and to want justice in our marriages… however this is our plight. After the fall in the Garden of Eden, God told Eve that her desire would be for her husband and that he would rule over her. (Genesis 3:16) I am convinced that this will always be a two steps forward three steps back type of thing, but praise God we are learning and He is giving us the strength to keep going. In all the hard times I have had when I feel like I am failing at it all, I can look back and see how God has really developed a lot more wisdom, understanding, and trust in Him. I pray that all the wives on this sight look to God to be equipped for this task. I certainly know it’s a difficult one, but God is there. Thank you for this post. I enjoy your blog and your honesty. 🙂

    • Kayla Gulick October 4, 2013 at 1:49 pm #

      Great points and the tying back in of the curse of the fall. I could not agree more!

      I so feel you on the two steps forward, three steps back. What a great way to put it!

      Thanks for chiming in— your comments are awesome for all of us on this journey!

  8. Jaki October 5, 2013 at 2:58 am #

    …thank GOD when i fall, your blog is there right on time, just to help me re-focus. Angels are human beings who have allowed GOD to use them. Am making progress with baby steps.

    • Kayla Gulick October 5, 2013 at 8:32 am #

      I’m so thankful we can encourage each other Jaki! We all take baby steps 🙂

  9. Alicia November 9, 2013 at 12:19 am #

    Thank you for your realness and sharing that you have days you fall down, too. ❤

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