Seeking Advice

10 Oct

I don’t think it comes as any surprise to anyone that I think it’s wise to be honest and real. Why? Because of this:
Isolation is dangerous! When we’re in the darkness, or our sins/struggles/temptations are hidden, we become VERY susceptible to Satan’s attacks.  It is only when we bring light to these issues that we can be free, get help, find healing, move forward and tap into the power of the body of Christ as a whole.

That being said, I’d like to give my take on seeking counsel.

But before I do that — can I just clear the air?  I don’t care how spiritual you are, how long you’ve walked with the Lord, how often you read your Bible, how many Bible studies you’ve attended or lead, or how great of a Christian you are……  WE ALL FACE CONFLICT, DISAPPOINTMENT WITH OTHERS, BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS, HURT FEELINGS and DRAMA.

We may not all have the same amount, handle it all in the same way, or allow it to have the same amount of control and power in our lives — but none of us is exempt from these truths!

I’ve grown so much in the last two years in how I handle this stuff.  These things don’t have as much power over me as before, except, when it comes to my husband.

As much as I love him, focus on the amazing things about him (because that list IS very, very long) and appreciate the good gifts that come from him being male…..

it’d be a total lie if I didn’t also admit that I still have a long list of things I wish he was doing, that bug me about him, and that I detest about him being male.

And as much as he’s my go-to man who listens to me, walks me through all my situations with wisdom and godly counsel — he is just not the person I go to about, well, HIM.

And this is where the rest of this post comes into play…..

Above all else, these things that I struggle with need to be taken to God, daily.  Only God has the power to change my husband, or change me in those times where I’m expecting my husband to change in an area where it’s really ME who needs to change (that’s happened numerous times!) There is no human on earth that is going to change my husband.  But God can.

However, there are still times when the isolation leaves you feeling like you can’t deal with your own thoughts and feelings and it’s affecting your actions no matter how much you try not to let it.  And in that instance, it’s wise to seek godly counsel.

My main point about isolation can most definitely be taken WAY too far. While I fully believe that it’s not only a good idea but that it’s spiritually beneficial to seek counsel on issues in life, that certainly does not mean telling our thoughts to everyone who will listen.  We don’t need the advice of 10 people, especially if those people are not the kind of people who seek to point us to wise, godly advice.

That is sure easy to do when we’re hurt or sinned against.  Something inside us seeks to tell our side of the story, make sure everyone knows the real truths about the other person involved, and relish in the onslaught of “you shouldn’t put up with that crap” comments that are sure to come.

But the advice off the ungodly, spiritually immature, or person too close to the situation is never the advice that leads to freedom and healing.

While it might feel good for a moment, it always does more damage and hurts more later on.

It doesn’t matter how much time passes — the consequences of our actions always catch up to us.

Sometimes it’s a safe place to seek the counsel of a male pastor or spiritual mentor – however (and I’m fully prepared for people to disagree with me, this is MY opinion) I do not think it’s wise to seek male counsel, EVEN IF it’s from a pastor, when the topic is your husband or your marriage without the inclusion of your spouse going along.

As I’ve shared here before, it’s sure easy to start to admire godly qualities in someone else, especially if part of the problem is that you feel like godly qualities are missing from your own spouse.

I do think scripture tells us in Titus 2:3-5 that older women are to teach/train younger women, and I think that applies to counsel on all topics.

That does NOT mean that I think you can never talk to your pastor or other male spiritual mentor for wisdom, advise or counsel – I just don’t think it’s wise when the topic is issues about your husband.

Instead of trying to suppress feelings, hurts, sins, temptations, etc. – I think it’s wise to find ONE or TWO mature Christian women, counselors, or other spiritual mentor who you can be honest with and share the ugly, real, scary and damaging thoughts, actions and realities of what’s going on in your mind and heart.

If these women are godly women, they will listen to you, hurt with you, pray with you, and encourage you in your journey to keep working on your own actions and give sound advice for how to keep pressing on when life is just hard.

Practical Application –

If you’re struggling with a hidden temptation, secret, sin, list of disappointments about your husband or another person, ANYTHING that has you trapped in negative feelings and thoughts — find a godly, mature woman to talk to.

And if you don’t have that in your life — email me —

Having someone to talk to changed my life, and I KNOW it’ll change yours!

Nothing is off-limits — you can always be 100% real and honest with me!



6 Responses to “Seeking Advice”

  1. howsyourlovelife October 10, 2013 at 1:07 pm #

    Good post on an important topic. There are always issues of appropriateness not matter the maturity of the people involved. It’s just a best practice to share with someone of the same gender when possible.

  2. peacefulwife October 10, 2013 at 1:51 pm #

    AMEN!!!!! Such an important message, Kayla!!! Thank you so much for this. 🙂

  3. justme October 10, 2013 at 2:37 pm #

    Great message, and a great offer. I hope those that don’t have anyone find this helpful.

    • Kayla Gulick October 10, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

      I went a really long time without having any one so I know how painful that feels and I never want anyone to suffer in silence!

      Thanks for the encouragement!!

  4. Joe Passkiewicz October 10, 2013 at 6:16 pm #

    Great post Kayla- I think all married folks have frustrations about their spouses and I think you reached the correct conclusion- it’s usually more about ME than it is about THEM. Think about this statement- “I love my husband/wife but…” If you really love them- you love ALL of them- their weird quirks, the annoying things, their shortcomings, weaknesses, etc. You really need to learn to love those things about them- (short of sinful behavior). Wanting to change your spouse is a very bad place to be. It’s the ultimate frustration. And It’s manipulative. Also, counseling with friends or others is a great way to help work through problems but be very careful that you make it more about ME than THEM as you may cross the line to gossip. Thanks for reminding me to love better!

    • Kayla Gulick October 10, 2013 at 9:01 pm #

      EXCELLENT points!! Thank you for adding that addition.

      It’s crucial what you said there about going to friends. It can be very painful for the spouse to think that someone they hang out with regularly knows their intimate failures and not because they told them but because it was discussed behind their back. And that does end up feeling a lot like gossip.
      I’m so glad you shared your thoughts here!! Thank you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: