The unspoken.

18 Oct

I have no idea if the month of October, and specifically October 15th, has been reserved for honoring the memory of children who passed away as the result of a miscarriage, still birth or shortly after birth for many years, or If this is the first year, but this is the first year that I was made aware of the commotion.

I had no idea that miscarriages were a “hush-hush” topic until I had a miscarriage myself.  I just assumed no one talked about them because they were extremely rare and hardly ever happened.

That couldn’t be farther from the truth.  They are incredibly common.  In fact, one in five pregnancies result in the loss of a child’s life before birth. That is an astonishing number considering the number of babies born daily in the world.

I was clueless to the amount of women in my every day life who have lost a child until I had my first miscarriage.  And then all the sudden, droves of women came out of the wood-work to comfort me.

I understand why it’s hard to talk about during the time.  That ache inside a woman’s heart to be a mom, or to give their child(ren) a sibling, or to give their husband a son, or the hope of having a daughter is so powerful and the loss of a pregnancy early on feels like someone made your dreams come true and then before you even had the chance to rejoice, it is stolen away from you while you watch your heart be shred into a million pieces.

I know there are women who don’t want to have any children, and there are women who never tried a day in their life to have a baby and have a houseful — but there are more women who want nothing more than to one day be, a mom, and it’s not as easy as trying once.

After losing a child, it’s hard to know how to share that truth for the rest of your life.

When people see you and they say “Your two kids are adorable”, it just feels incredibly awkward to say “Thank you, they also have a sibling who was probably just as adorable in Heaven.” Mostly because then no one knows what to do.  They feel incredibly horrible for not realizing you’d lost a child, and feign a painful “Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss” to which you say “Thank you, it’s OK really, I just haven’t forgotten no matter how much time goes past.”

The truth is, if we never talk about a miscarriage, it starts to feel like the baby never existed.  And for a mom who believes that life happens at conception – the baby existed.  And would have been loved and cherished had his/her life not ended too short.

I’ve never known what to do with my own story.  I share it often because through it, my life changed forever.

In fact – it’s almost entirely where the title of my blog comes from “Lessons of Mercy.”

It was a terribly hard season, full of depression, anxiety, and confusion in which I had to come face to face with my faith that God is always good, never wastes anything, allows for free will but is heart-broken over rebellion, does not have the same plans for humans as they in their flesh plan for themselves, and everyone has a story.

The fact that everyone has a story was truly what changed everything for me and gave me the power to face my past instead of continue running from it, learn to forgive others, and to look at someone’s story instead of just the results of their actions so I could truly see their heart and love them no matter what.

None of this happened over night.  I’m still uncovering these beautiful truths and realities every day – but without the season of learning that I am not sovereign, I am not in control, and I do not get everything I want when I want it — I became free.

After the birth of our second son, we thought we were done having children.  Until suddenly, I couldn’t accept not having a little girl. So when our second little guy was 11 months old, we started trying to have another baby.  We got pregnant the first month, but immediately upon finding out I was pregnant, I knew something wasn’t right.  While I tried to convince myself that we must just be having a girl since the pregnancy was so different, I knew something was wrong.  I called and asked for an ultrasound at 6 weeks.  I went to the appointment alone. The doctor said he could see I was pregnant but didn’t see a baby in the yolk sac and was certain I was only 4 weeks pregnant and not six.  So three days of blood work to confirm that I was indeed six weeks pregnant and my hormones were doubling just as a normal pregnancy.  I went back for an ultrasound at seven weeks with my husband, and the doctor saw a baby with a tiny heartbeat, but informed us things didn’t look good as he should be seeing a lot more by this point in the pregnancy.

We didn’t believe things would end badly.  We believed we were witnessing a miracle.  That was a big change in a week.

I then had to return at nine weeks for another ultrasound to check on everything and because we had faith that everything was going to be OK, I went alone.  BIG MISTAKE! The doctor saw that the baby had passed away and scheduled me for a D&C the next morning because my placenta was still growing and would tumor if not removed fairly quickly.

I’ll never forget that procedure.  It was awful.  Waking up to the harsh reality of blood gushing from your body with the cold truth that there was no baby anymore.

I wept and wept so hard.

And after fighting through all my feelings and reactions, I knew it was time to pull my boot straps up and keep moving forward.  I had two sons who needed their mommy, a husband who needed his wife, and besides — I wasn’t the first person this happened to, it wasn’t uncommon and I could get through this.

And then 4 months later, we were pregnant again.  Only to lose a second baby at six weeks.

And then the very next month, I lost another baby three days after a positive test at 4 1/2 weeks.

I felt broken.

I battled the thoughts that I kept miscarrying little girls because my body was rejecting them since I had carried two boys full term.

I wanted answers.

I wanted control back.

I wanted people to stop asking if we were going to try for a little girl.

And then, six months went by with no pregnancies.  That may not seem like a long time — but to anyone trying to get pregnant, that was eternity.

I finally accepted, we weren’t having any more kids.

And then, New Years Day 2009, I found out I was pregnant again.  I had no joy.  I cried, but not happily, with intense fear of having to let go of another child before I had the chance to hold him/her in my arms.

And then, eight months later, I did indeed hold him in my arms.  And he was worth the wait.

And then all the questions came again.

Would we have been able to have him if we had any of our other children?  What is the purpose of this little boy’s life that God wanted him here and not the others?

And while I was learning to love life with three boys and refusing to ever try to have another baby again — I laid my six month old son down for a nap and took a pregnancy test to find out I was already seven weeks pregnant with another baby.

And this baby – was a little girl.

And I felt like my heart healed in ways I can never begin to tell you.  Not just because I finally had a daughter — but because I no longer felt like my body was rejecting girls.

Even though I have no idea if we lost sons or daughters — that pressing question was always there.

We never named our three lost children because we felt like we couldn’t even guess at boy or girl names… we really had no clue — but they were real.

So now when people say — how many kids do you have, I say four.  Because I don’t know what to do with the awkward reaction to the truth-

I have seven, but only four that I get to hold, kiss and raise this side of Heaven.



6 Responses to “The unspoken.”

  1. October 19, 2013 at 10:14 am #

    What an incredibly sad story but what a happy ending. As a husband, we can only walk with our wives on this journey, We will never be able to fully understand what our wives experience as we both go through the emotional ups and downs of pregnancy, loss and hopefully birth. I will say a prayer for all the moms and children.

  2. Gleniece October 20, 2013 at 12:09 am #

    Thank you for putting to words what many of us can’t. I miscarried too. Our “little one” is missed. I wanted to try for maybe two more children before menopause overtook me, but was diagnosed with breast cancer instead. That changed everything. It’s been over two years since our loss. I sometimes wonder why I had to lose a child and a breast. But I’m thankful for what I do have: my adoring husband, my five children, and my life. God’s wisdom far surpasses my own. Praise be to our God who will wipe away all our tears in His coming kingdom. Hugging you tonight, Kayla.

    • Kayla Gulick October 25, 2013 at 7:19 pm #

      I replied to this Gleniece — I don’t know where it went?!

      I am not sure why God allows the things He allows all the time, but I do know that He wastes absolutely nothing. The challenges in our lives give us a testimony that shows of God’s power and love and helps us reach our full potential if we let it.

      There are those who run from God and their calling instead of to Him in times of trouble and they never let their stories change them or give life to others through them.

      I am so thankful you’ve chosen to trust God and use your circumstances to better life for your children and all those you come in contact with. Your rewards will be great in Heaven awaiting you!

  3. ahumblevessel October 23, 2013 at 11:38 am #

    Well shared. We had 3 miscarriages and were never able to carry, but God gave us three beautiful adopted little ones and our hearts are ever so thankful! Bless you! Praying for your heart is full of hope and peace today and each day that follows.

    • Kayla Gulick October 23, 2013 at 11:49 am #

      Thank you for sharing!! I hope we are able to adopt one day too!! Your children are so lucky to have you as parents. Praise God for their lives and the home they have with you!!!

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