I didn’t know…..

29 Oct

It’s been 12 days since my last real post.  11 Days since I posted that it was time to stop blogging, and 8 days since I let you know that you were all crazy awesome and your messages were overwhelming.

But honestly, it feels like it’s been a year.

In the last week, I discovered a lot of things I didn’t know. And for that, I’m so thankful.  Some things are great discoveries, and some were actually a bit painful at first- but necessary none-the-less.

Can I just say how much pressure I feel trying to write this post?  A “come-back” post.  It’s gotta be good — otherwise people waited around for what?  A waste of time? Oy vey.

And then there is that nagging, persistent voice that keeps saying “You look like such a fool.  You’re that annoying person.  Just stay away and spare everyone the eye rolls.”  ((Oh, you know what I’m talking about!  That obnoxious person on Facebook that threatens to shut down their page about every three months so people will beg them to stay.  The one you just want to smack upside the head and say ‘either shut down the page, or get over yourself.’))  Yep – I feel like I look just like that person.  But… I think that’s just Satan trying to keep me from this blog — (which I’ll get to in a minute.)

Am I rambling?  I sure feel like I’m rambling.  So many thoughts – and so little ability to explain it all.

Here is the list of things I didn’t know.

First of all…

As far as I’ve grown in my “people-pleasing” mentality…. I still care about everyone, deeply. Even friends I’ve only had for a month.

1.) I didn’t know I loved so deeply, so quickly – and cared so much, so purposefully. At first I felt like this was a curse, but I honestly think this is a gift. I make friends easily and relate and reach people quickly.

As I sat here meditating on what happened to cause me to walk away, I wasn’t prepared to feel so much like I was giving Christianity a bad name.  It bothers me greatly that in the world today, Christianity is so poorly exampled and so wrongly identified.  And I felt like I had given off that vibe “the we’re better than others, we look down on them” vibe.

2.) I didn’t know that would hurt me so deeply and cause me to react so swiftly in such dramatic ways. If there is one thing my blog can NEVER be, it’s judgmental or hurtful to non-Christians.  Honest and God-fearing –YES, Rejecting and Proud, UNACCEPTABLE.

I have been writing a blog for about nine years.  For about six of those years, it was just random, mostly family updates (a baby started rolling over, walking, etc.) and I had about five readers.  Three years ago, I started writing what God was teaching me, how I was growing, what God was calling me to teach others, what I was learning through the struggles in my life — with complete transparency and honesty.  My blog started to grow. One year later, I flipped my blog from BlogSpot to WordPress and made some INCREDIBLE blogging friends. And my blog just kept getting bigger.  Now I have a few hundred people subscribed through WordPress or email and tons of random hits from search engines (either searching by my name, my blog title, or completely random searches that bring them to my blog), Facebook shares of my posts, and other bloggers re-blogging my posts.

And still, I didn’t make too much of that.  I kind of thought people were bored and liked having something to read or glanced over things for the hope of reading drama.  Until Friday when I said I was going to stop.  I didn’t say it so anyone would write to me.  I said it because of reason #2 — but I was BLOWN AWAY!!!!!!  I received multiple comments on that post, emails, Facebook messages and text messages on my phone.  I was shocked.  SHOCKED!!

3.) I didn’t know anyone was truly getting anything out of my blog.  I had no idea this blog mattered or made a difference to anyone.  I thought it was more about me and having a place to write than about anyone out there that might be reading along.  I didn’t know what God was doing. I had no idea how the Holy Spirit was moving.

I love having a place to put my thoughts.  I am such a talker.  I love words, I love conversation and I thoroughly enjoy visiting with just about anyone!  Having a blog is just an online journal for me.  It’s authentic and unfiltered. Nothing is off-limits and it’s not fake or put on.

And then this week happened.

4.) I had NO IDEA how much I loved this blog and that it would feel like someone ripped out my heart and stomped it on the ground to keep my hands away from the computer.  I was clueless of the power that typing post could meet such a need for me.

And that scared me more!  Had blogging become an idol??? If I had to have it…..was it more important than it should be to me???

It was time to talk to God intently.

The truth is…. teaching is my spiritual gift.

((If you don’t know much about spiritual gifts and have never studied them before…. message me and I’ll get some good resources in your hands.  It’ll change your life to understand them and discover what your gift(s) are.  The world has distorted the gifts into down-playing them as talents…. for example — singing.  Singing is not a spiritual gift.  Even if you are singing spiritual songs and using your voice to worship the Lord. Non-Christians without the Holy Spirit can sing.  That “talent” isn’t given as a gift at conversion.  But there are 15 gifts that are given at conversion by the Holy Spirit, defined in Scripture,  and it’s vital to fulfilling our purposes to know what gifts we’ve been given.))

So, if I’m suppose to be teaching — and my blog is being used to teach God’s truths and Biblical clarification, it hasn’t become my idol, it’s become my ministry.

And to be factual, if we waste the gifts God gives us, we are sinning- and we risk losing them. (Matthew 25:28-29)

5.) I didn’t know that Satan was going to try SO intently to trick me spiritually.  When we’re walking in communion with the Lord, Satan doesn’t attack in shallow ways anymore… he attacks with scripture.  Just like he tried to tempt Jesus in the desert with scripture out of context.  (Matthew 4) I didn’t know Satan was behind scaring me with my blog being an idol, until I spent time with God asking Him if He wanted me to walk away.

And lastly, I was (and honestly still am) stuck on one thing.  People who know me in real life reading my blog.  It’s burned me quite a few times actually, not always in the same ways.  I know (because WordPress is CRAZY awesome in how they let you know who is reading your blog) that I have a good handful of people who I do life with on a regular basis who read my blog (but never subscribe because they don’t want me to know they read along) and they read things differently than those who don’t know me in real life.

I suppose it is similar to the fact that Jesus couldn’t even teach in his home town.  Although, this was the reason I wasn’t going to come back — and God had four people whom are some of my closest friends send me VERY INTIMATE messages telling me how much they missed my blog and wanted me to keep writing.

God knew I needed that encouragement to continue.

6.) I didn’t know that just a few people could literally make me walk away from my ministry just on the fear that they aren’t reading things in the right way.  Which led to God releasing me from what they do with what they read. I am responsible for what I write.  Scripture says in James 3:1 that those who teach will be judged more strictly. Ugh — that’s heavy.  But if the Holy Spirit has gifted me to teach, I know full-well that He himself will teach through me and it will have practically nothing to do with me AT ALL!  So my fear is vanished according to His power in me and through me.

So, there you have it folks — I’m back.

For better or worse, God is not done with this blog.  I hope I can do a better job of holding more closely those relationships in my life that lead to stories and situations that are relevant to this space here.  I will learn from each mistake I make and keep pressing forward.

As one of my most favorite bloggers and new awesome friend reminded me last night — as long as I walk this earth, I will hurt others.  If it’s ever you — I hope you’ll come to me, so I can apologize and learn from my failures.

One thing I know today – I must keep pressing forward because this is what God is calling of me right now.

Practical Application:

Learn your spiritual gift.  Study your gift.  Grow in your gift.  And recognize Satan’s advances to destroy your confidence in using your gift. And then share ALL of that with others — because we’re all doing this together.

 

 

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18 Responses to “I didn’t know…..”

  1. howsyourlovelife October 29, 2013 at 10:07 am #

    Welcome back. The blogging world just got a little brighter!

  2. Lesley October 29, 2013 at 10:28 am #

    Kayla,

    I am so glad you are back. I have been missing your words. They are from a different perspective. I so enjoy your transparency. You must surely know that you will never make everyone happy with your thoughts or words. Your enemies will always look for a way to knock you down. Satan and his minions love to live in there heads so they can cause the most damage to believers. Good for you! You are so encouraging.

    Lesley

    • Kayla Gulick October 29, 2013 at 10:35 am #

      Thank you Lesley! Your words are so encouraging to my heart and I really appreciate you taking the time to support me!

  3. Mandy October 29, 2013 at 10:36 am #

    I am so glad you’re back Kayla! I’ve missed your posts so much during your hiatus. I look forward to reading and learning more with you.

    I believe that Satan takes our strengths and adds enough doubts in our heads until we see them as weaknesses or idols. It can be very hard to differentiate Satan’s lies from the truth in those things. I’ll pray for you as you continue this blog, that God will be seen through your words by all who read.

    • Kayla Gulick October 29, 2013 at 11:16 am #

      I think you’re right Mandy! Thanks for reading along and being a supportive voice for me during this time! I love doing life with you!

  4. learning1 October 29, 2013 at 11:39 am #

    Yay! This is SUCH a good read! 🙂 Thank you for this great news, Kayla – not just that you are back, but all you are learning – the process you are going through, and the courage to share like this! I’m cheering for you!

    • Kayla Gulick October 29, 2013 at 11:42 am #

      Thank you so much girl! You know I love ya and I really appreciate all your support and encouraging words ❤

  5. katieislivingforJesus October 29, 2013 at 4:11 pm #

    So glad you’re back! Also, thankful for your honesty and the way you so beautifully shared what you learnt.

    • Kayla Gulick October 29, 2013 at 5:36 pm #

      Thanks friend! The comments from those reading along are always so meaningful and give me hope that my “messes” will be useful for helping someone else some day! Thanks so much for your words!

  6. CM October 29, 2013 at 11:14 pm #

    I would like more info to study on the spiritual gifts you mentioned. thanks and also glad you’re back 🙂

  7. Em October 30, 2013 at 3:42 am #

    Nothing deep to say right now, but what was on my heart as I read this post….YAY! Welcome back.

    • Kayla Gulick October 30, 2013 at 6:31 am #

      Sometimes, it’s just the littlest comments that make my heart smile and give me that boost of hope I need! Thank you so much!!!!!

  8. Sharmon October 30, 2013 at 4:04 am #

    Where do you learn about your spiritual gifts.
    Thanks for sharing,
    Sharmon

  9. Emily C October 30, 2013 at 7:45 am #

    I love how God works. I love the process he took you through…essentially like Abraham did, you laid your blog on the altar and trusted Him. Thankful for your clarity. I don’t subscribe but I visit often and appreciate your words and perspective a lot! Welcome back 🙂 xoxo

    • Kayla Gulick October 30, 2013 at 10:11 am #

      Thanks so much Emily! And you’re right — I got a little taste of Abraham’s journey, that’s great picture thought for me today 🙂

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