Are you, just, um, well…. better than him?

2 Feb

I’ve seen quite a few bloggers take on the call to write a post about respecting your husband.  And a great number of people are pinning those blogs to Pinterest and sharing them all over Facebook.

That’s a pretty big deal really.  Because most women, yes even Christian women, don’t truly respect their husbands.  And they don’t realize that Scripture calls us to unconditional respect.

Stop.  Yes, I said “UNCONDITIONAL RESPECT”.  That is not like the world’s idea that respect HAS to be earned and we have authority to withhold it from our husbands until they live up to our standards.

Just imagine if a husband withheld love, until his wife had reached perfection, according to HIS standards.

Much as we’d like throw the hammer down on this, we try to live a double standard… and most of us don’t even realize it.

One of the items that almost always make it on a truly good list about how to respect your husband is this:

You can’t try to be your husband’s Holy Spirit.

A lot of women read that, and either minimize it out of ignorance, or breeze past it all together.

Let’s talk today about how we can recognize if we try to be the Holy Spirit in our husbands’ lives.

I’m positive this list won’t be exhaustive, but it’ll be a good place for us to start.

One last thing before we get going. The Holy Spirit is the third entity of God Almighty.  The Holy Spirit is given to believers at conversion for two purposes. The first is to convict the believer of sins in his/her life that need repentance so he/she can continue on a path of becoming like Christ. And the second being to empower the believer to do things they can’t do in their own human form.  This is seen in spiritual gifts, scriptural understanding, fruits of the spirit, and communication with God.

So, how do women try to be the Holy Spirit in a marriage?

Let’s look at the first responsibility of the Holy Spirit first and how we women try to fill this role:

1.) We see our husbands’ sins vividly.

~He’s lazy, He watches too much television, He doesn’t play with the kids like he should, He is selfish, He doesn’t love others like he should, He doesn’t read his Bible, He uses swear words, He drink too much beer, He talks out of both sides of his mouth, He gossips, He holds grudges, He doesn’t love me like he’s suppose to, He doesn’t make godly choices, He doesn’t pray with me, He doesn’t do devotions with the family, and on and on and on……

Women who spend a lot of time meditating on these things their husband does wrong, often have a hard time seeing their own sins.  And the sins they do see, they find aren’t nearly “as bad” as their husband’s sins.

Pride swells and swells until all the sudden, they’ve convinced themselves secretly (although every husband with a wife like this sees it clear as day and knows it is really no secret at all) that they  are actually  just more spiritual than their husband. Truth be told ladies, when we feel this way, we’re so engulfed in sin that the rift is usually more heavily handed on our end than could ever be on our husband’s end.

2.) We start to point out things he should be convicted of in his life.

This habit often starts with one line phrases.  “Maybe you should ….xyz….” While this feels a bit disrespectful to a husband, the habit almost always evolves to something so much worse.

We women start using a parental “Mama” tone of voice with belittling phrasing.  We take on the role of disciplining our husbands for their sins by using a scolding tone of voice, nagging remarks, and disapproving facial expressions.

Loud sighs, rolled eyes, sarcastic digs, and rude speeches are often present when a wife is trying to be the Holy Spirit.

3.) We turn our husband into a child.

Instead of seeing themselves as a team to work together to grow in Christ, they eventually look down on their husband long enough for his sins and his “too slow at repentance” behavior and start seeing him as a child or chore instead of a best friend and lover.

And worst of all, we have found this so humorous.  How many comedians, websites, Facebook statuses, and Pinterest pins are being shared and quoted with remarks like “I don’t have three children, I am married to the fourth.”  “Men are babies who stop having a mom and get a wife instead.”  “I thought I was done raising children but apparently my husband will never grow up.”

I’m not suggesting that their isn’t humor in marriage.  There definitely is stuff worth laughing over!!!!  But, remember, things are only funny to us when there is a little truth behind them.  And it’s really not that funny if we’ve become so judgmental of our husbands that we see them as a child instead of as the leader, provider, protector, and lover that they really are to us.

Now let’s look at the second responsibility of the Holy Spirit’s role and how we women try to take that on:

1.) We encourage our husband to worship like we think most resembles Christ (usually how we do ourselves or how we see another godly man do it.)

We get vocal about how he should read his Bible, at what time of the day, that he should journal about what he reads, that he should discuss it with us and/or the kids.  We demand that he pray and do devotions in our site so we can prove he’s doing it, and often times that means it has to be WITH us.  We judge that he does or doesn’t raise his hands during worship.  We judge if he does or doesn’t go to the altar.  And we judge if he isn’t moved to tears by spiritually emotional situation.

2.) We question EVERY decision, especially if he makes a decision that isn’t a decision we would make.

This continues on that path of belief that we are more spiritual than he is and we think we’re closer to God.  Somehow we feel like we are on a more inside track and we make wiser choices than he does.

We find ways to have conversations that revolve around these types of questions: Why did you do that?  What were you thinking?  How come you didn’t do it like this?  Don’t you think that if you’d have done it like this (or would do it like this) that it’d be a better choice? Do you see why I wouldn’t have done it like that?

All five of these descriptions for how women try to play the Holy Spirit in our husbands’ lives is received as nothing more than TOTAL disrespect to them.  And always reveal sins in our own lives as well as actually hinders the Holy Spirit from truly working.

When we think that our husband is farther from God than we are, sins worse than we do, isn’t wise enough to make decisions, is a child that needs our supervision and correction ….we are a beaming example of PRIDE and we’re in direct disobedience of Scriptures command to us as wives to show unconditional respect.

I believe there are a mountain of other ways we show disrespect to our husbands beyond just playing Holy Spirit, but this should be enough food for thought for one post.

And before all the hateful comments come — I’m not talking to men today and what they should do to be godly husbands.  Yes, they have responsibilities and commands in Scripture too.  I’m focusing on women.  And helping us uncover our own sinful hearts so we can work on being the wives God calls us to be, instead of just worrying about what our husband is or isn’t doing.

Sometimes that plank in our eye is just so much bigger than the speck in his.

Practical Application:

Recognize, confess and repent of any areas where we play the Holy Spirit in our husbands’ lives.

Break these habits.  I wish this came easy.  It doesn’t.  It takes work. Hard work. However, the more you focus on ridding your life of your sins, and INTENTIONALLY focus on all the WONDERFUL things about your husband…. the less the temptation exists to be a statistic in the above five scenarios.

God created an amazing design for marriage and if our marriage is falling apart, it’s because we’re too far from God’s plan.  Lets have marriages that make the world take notice.  THAT is how we share Christ effectively.


8 Responses to “Are you, just, um, well…. better than him?”

  1. peacefulwife February 2, 2014 at 2:34 pm #

    Wow!! I just love seeing what God is doing in your life, Kayla. I can’t wait to hug your neck one day – maybe it will be in heaven. But THANK YOU for standing for truth and for God’s Word and for allowing God to pour through you the way you do. You are a blessing to me!
    This one has got to go on my blog, please, ma’am.

    • Kayla Gulick February 2, 2014 at 2:40 pm #

      I’m still holding out hope girl that the Lord is going to bring about a conference one day like I envisioned 🙂 And thank you for encouraging m!!

      You can absolutely share. If it wasn’t for others sharing their wisdom with me… I wouldn’t be growing at all myself!!!!

  2. Nina Stone February 2, 2014 at 4:08 pm #

    Thank you for writing this. God has been taking me to task over this very thing, although in my case, my husband is an unbeliever. I’m realizing that the same thing applies for those of us who are unequally yoked, perhaps even more so because it’s by our example that we can win our husbands to Christ. I haven’t been that kind of example in quite awhile and have had to do some repenting. Your post was well-timed, prompted by the Holy Spirit no doubt. Thank you.

    • Kayla Gulick February 2, 2014 at 4:54 pm #

      THANK YOU for sharing that brilliant point. This does happen and is still the same truth whether our husband believes or not. We’re always called to repent of our own sins, and respect our husbands unconditionally. I am so grateful you commented and that you’re here reading along with me!

      It always blesses my heart when I know that God is working on all of us together, in the same ways, at the same times, so we can fellowship in truth.

  3. freedomfromthorns February 19, 2014 at 8:27 pm #

    I am very thankful for this post Kayla! It holds a very powerful message. I’m a new blogger and linked this post to my most recent post while mentioning your name and your blog’s name. I hoped I have followed proper blogging etiquette with this method.

    • Kayla Gulick February 19, 2014 at 8:39 pm #

      Welcome to the community! There are so many absolutely incredible people in the blog-o-sphere. You’ll love it meeting them all.

      I am beyond honored that you’d share one of my posts! Thank you so much. And yes – the way you did it was totally fine 🙂


  1. Yummy Humble Pie | Freedom From Thorns - February 19, 2014

    […] of Mercy.  It was very thought and heart provoking.  Kayla Gulick’s post titled “Are you, just, um, well…better than him?” is about how wives should not be their husbands’ Holy Spirit.  This is a must read! […]

  2. I’m putting a question on the table. | Lessons Of Mercy - March 19, 2014

    […] I’ve talked in-depth about nagging and playing the Holy Spirit. […]

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