I hurt so much for her.

18 Feb

And……………. I have no idea how to start a post in which I’m actually going to talk about my growth. I really only know how to write about all my junk and weak spots. Rip it off like a Band-Aid right?  And pray all those awesome readers out there see why I’m writing about this, instead of being highly annoyed with the “listen to her, like she has it all together” thoughts.

I SSSOOOO do not have it all together.

But.  I am growing, and what I see now – well, it’s painful.  The kind of painful that makes me hurt so much for her, and her, and her, and her.

Who are these hers?  They are me.  For the first ten years of my marriage.  They all fall somewhere in there.

I grew in that ten years of marriage from

-immature in the Lord and completely brainwashed by feminism

to

-a more mature relationship with the Lord with growth that God’s ways are often counter-cultural but yet still clinging to deeply rooted habits and thought processes.

((In the last year and a half, well… I don’t even know what you call where I am now.  A wife, mother and woman who makes plenty of mistakes but is desperately running after a renewing of my mind according to Scripture and less on the ideals of this world.))

How do I recognize her?

-In the words she says.

-In the looks on her face.

– In the actions and reactions of her body.

-In the tone of voice she uses.

She shows up daily on Facebook with mouthy and unapologetic rants about everything and anything. She is heavily opinionated and is proud and selfish of her own thoughts over others feelings, maturity, opinions and beliefs.

She is in every home, every store, every restaurant, literally everywhere with her husband talking down to him like a child; making sure to correct him in the middle of every story he tells about insignificant details; scolding him in front of people; making him the butt of the joke; granting her permission or disapproval of his actions with sarcastic and rude comments.

She is sitting across the room with her arms crossed, eyes squinted and jaw clenched punishing her husband privately and/or publicly for his shortcomings in some area regarding her feelings.  All the while in her mind he either doesn’t have feelings or her feelings trump his at every turn.

She is sitting around a table with a group of girls participating in the weekly bashing session about how stupid, childish, immature, ignorant and selfish her husband is and every other man who walks the face of this earth.

Everywhere I go now, she’s all I see, constantly.

And I want to walk up to her, hug her and cry for hours.

Because the truth is… she’s hurting.  She feels lonely, unloved, like she bears all the responsibility, like marriage isn’t what she bargained for when she said I do with all these high hope of how romantic and wonderful it would be. Like having children isn’t the blessing the Bible claims they are, and she battles the curse of Eve to constantly control and run everything in her life all the while being crushed under all the pressure she wasn’t meant to carry. She battles having dreams and goals with the world behind her telling her she can do anything a man can do and do it better and how in the world is she suppose to harness that when her husband has these different goals and visions that she thinks are stupid or wrong.  She feels second to something (television, alcohol, sports, a hobby) sometimes her husband feels more like a roommate or a chore rather than her lover with the divide that always exists between them.

She has NO IDEA she’s doing anything wrong.  Her actions seem normal and his actions seem heartless. She has little hope that her marriage will ever be “on fire” and she contemplates meeting all her unmet needs in other places.  Sometimes she resists and sometimes she gives in opening the door to sin loading her down with secret shame and regret. And in that twisted mess, some kind of weird joy to actually feel…. loved.

I didn’t know I was an ungodly woman.  I had no clue how far from God’s design for a wife I was.  The church never taught me about unconditional respect.  The world tells men to step back and women to take charge.

I think I wish someone saw me earlier.  But the truth?  I don’t know if I would have heard them earlier? Sadly, I think I would have called them a religious freak or a push-over.

And that’s the very reason I see her….. I hurt for her…… I say a silent prayer for her….. but I never approach her.

I don’t know how to approach her.  But I hurt so much for her, that I know I need to figure that practical application out. She’s desperate to stop hurting and to feel fulfilled. But the only thing that worked for me…. was to see myself in the failures of someone else.

So I write this post.  Does this sound like you? This doesn’t have to be your story.  My story didn’t stay like that…. and yours can change too. And it will start with you.

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10 Responses to “I hurt so much for her.”

  1. peacefulwife February 18, 2014 at 1:50 pm #

    Kayla,
    I SO relate to you and to this post. It seems that almost every woman on the planet is living in this awful pain – not knowing the way out. But, now we know there IS a way out, in Christ – a way to real peace, joy, beautiful femininity, appreciating real masculinity and godly marriage. And, I just want to share it with every woman in the world! I see myself, my old ways of acting, my old ways of thinking, my old ways of believing in so many, many women. I want so much to show them this joy, this unspeakable Treasure, this Pearl of Great Price.

    I see them hurting. I see their husbands hurting. I see their children hurting. And it grieves my heart. Especially when they don’t have to suffer like this and Jesus has made a way for us to have abundant life and have it to the full. If we can just see it.

    I see women everywhere I go who are hurting emotionally and spiritually – and I want to just run up to them and open up my heart and mind and pour everything God has shown me in the past 5 years into their hearts and their minds. But – it doesn’t seem to work that way!

    It is the loneliest place in the world to believe that everything depends on me, that I am “sovereign” and that I must make everything work out right. It is such an impossibly heavy burden to bear the weight of God’s responsibility for other people and for myself. I don’t want to see ANYONE living in the fear, worry, depression, oppression and dungeon that I used to be imprisoned by.

    I want to run into each dungeon and show each of my sisters that Jesus has opened the prison door and broken the shackles. I want to grab each woman’s hand and run with her out into the glorious life, truth, freedom, weightlessness, power, joy and peace of Christ.

    Greg has had to stop me from going up to women in public. I wanted to go share this life-giving truth with random women so much. He didn’t think I would be well-received in the moment like that. And, I am sure he is probably right.

    But how I pray God will pour His Spirit, truth, power and blessings through me like a big pipe and splash all over the women all around me. I pray He will draw them to Himself. I pray He will shine through me. I pray that they might find this abundant Life in Jesus.

    I pray that God might raise up THIS generation to be a godly generation before Him – that we might leave a beautiful and godly legacy for those who come behind us.

    I pray daily, many times with many tears for the women in our generation. We need God, His design, His wisdom, His truth and His power so desperately.

    Thank you for sharing your heart and love for women and for Christ, my sweet friend! I praise Him for what He is doing in your life. It is beautiful!

    • Kayla Gulick February 18, 2014 at 2:08 pm #

      Thank you April. I always appreciate your encouraging words 🙂

  2. Merrie Beth February 18, 2014 at 2:36 pm #

    This is brilliant!!

    • Kayla Gulick February 18, 2014 at 2:47 pm #

      Wow. You’re a gem 🙂 Thanks for being here!

  3. Meagan February 18, 2014 at 2:54 pm #

    Wow. This is a very powerful post. So true that women think this is normal. I was raised in a Christian home, but when I got married, my mother belittled me for my views on submission. She felt that my husband was using the Bible to try and control me – twisting my views because they weren’t HER views. She said a woman is only “required” to submit if the husband is “very serious” about what he says, but even then she believes it to be up for discussion. Every day I have to fight against what I was taught by my parents. Not just regarding this issue. Their poison seeps into my daily life, and was hurting my marriage there for awhile. It’s only after 10 1/2 years of marriage that I am able to come anywhere close to being the wife that I know God wants, though He knows how short I continue to fall!

    I very much enjoy your posts. I can’t relate to the issues involved in being a parent or having children, but there are so many other things I get out of your blog. Even in the Christian community, it is very rare to find someone speaking Truth. With our PC world, everyone (including pastors/preachers/leaders/whatever) is falling all over themselves to not offend someone else, which usually means indulging their sin nature. The Truth becomes muddied and weak, doing more harm than good. I can always count on finding Truth here, no matter how difficult to hear. God has been using your posts of late to smack me in the face, and show me where I need to shape up. Thanks for sharing! I need it! 🙂

    • Kayla Gulick February 18, 2014 at 3:06 pm #

      Meagan — I just stinking love you! That’s it. You add so much depth and value to my life and this blog by sharing another very pointed area by bringing up the family dynamic in this arena! I’m so glad you feel growth – be it ever so slow at times, or a rushing river — the prize is growing bigger for us both the closer we get. I can’t emphasize enough how valuable every insight is as we all do this together. Thanks for keeping me accountable!

  4. Joe Passkiewicz February 18, 2014 at 5:09 pm #

    Kayla:
    Thank you for sharing. I too long to see marriages prosper and flourish in the balance and power of Ephesian 5:33. I shared this on Valentines Day in a couples group- the key is really “unconditional love and unconditional respect”. Sounds tough but its not as bad as it sounds. Just give your spouse the benefit of the doubt- KNOW where their heart is and really BELIEVE in them. If they mess up give them some grace! TRUST their heart. The rest is the enemies voice. Don’t listen to it! As always- thanks for your work!

    • Kayla Gulick February 18, 2014 at 5:37 pm #

      “The rest is the enemies voice.” — SO TRUE!!!!!!

  5. Christina Morse February 18, 2014 at 10:53 pm #

    When I read peacefulwife’s comment, about Greg having to rein her back sometimes wanting to go up to *her* and that she doesn’t think it would be well received, a thought just hit me……… make up a business card and have your blog site with maybe a couple of posts to start at and give it to *her* with just a few simple words of encouragement. enough to plant the seed so she’ll look it up. Just a thought 😀 If you like the idea, pass it along to April.

    ~Christina

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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