Fake it ’til you make it, absolutely not!! (Part 2 of 5)

21 Feb

If you’ve ended up here without first reading “What is the big deal about sex anyway?” which is part 1 of this series, please stop and go read that first.  It’s important to gather all the information in a series to gain the full benefit and understand where we’ve been and where we’re going.

I am also going to add this disclaimer to this post and the next three to come.  If you are in an abusive marriage, a marriage with continual habitual sin (like an addiction or an affair) or have a past that contains sexual abuse or rape, please seek professional help.  This series is not written with the intent to address these exceptional situations, but rather is being written for married Christian couples who are seeking the truth about sex within marriage assuming there are no abusive or habitual sinful behaviors taking place.

I can’t go anywhere with this post without first calling out the problem.

Women, STOP FAKING ENJOYMENT!!!!!  And for the benefit of everyone involved, definitely STOP FAKING ORGASMS!!!!!

What?  How dare you.

Trust me.  By the time you read this post, you’ll agree with me.

I know what you’re thinking.  Sometimes I just can’t get there.  Sometimes it’s taking me forever and I feel guilty. Sometimes he isn’t giving me what I need.  Sometimes I’m just not in the mood but at least I’m fulfilling my duty to him so the quicker I fake it, the sooner it’s over.

Why is faking it such a problem?  For two main reasons.

1.) Men take mental pictures of success.  Every time you fake enjoyment or orgasm, he is memorizing and snapping pictures of what he is doing so he can repeat it in the future.  He is never going to give you what you really need in the future because he is busy performing what he thinks is already it.  Not to mention, it causes him extreme frustration and feelings of being a failure when he starts repeating what worked the last time, and since you were faking, you don’t remember what he was doing so you forget to fake again, and he’s left wondering what he’s doing wrong and how he didn’t remember it exactly like he thought he did.

2.) If sex isn’t mind-blowingly enjoyable for you, you aren’t going to crave it.  And if you fake it to get out of it, he’s never going to be able to show you just how incredible it can really be if you take your time and get it right.

Sex can be CRAZY enjoyable for a woman! But everything we’ve got going on down there – men have no clue how to navigate their way around without a little assistance. (We don’t even always know what works and doesn’t.)  ESPECIALLY if your husband gave you the beautiful and amazing gift of having zero sexual experience before you, then he really is walking totally blind.

But I can promise you one thing.  HE WANTS MORE THAN ANYTHING FOR YOU TO TRULY ENJOY IT AND HE DOESN’T CARE AT ALL IF HE HAS TO INVEST A LITTLE TIME TO GET THERE!!!

That’s good news, right?  Time to strip off all that pressure and all those excuses and figure out how to achieve and maintain this mind-blowing echad experience.

To get to know your body and get familiar with how to make sex out-of-this-world awesome for you, your husband needs a room with a dim light, a naked wife, and some instruction from y..o..?

Oh no, no, no, no…. don’t you dare say what I think you’re about to say. Sorry, I’m gonna say it.  Like it or not, you’re sleeping with this man, it’s time to put on your big girl panties, or take them off, and START TALKING!!!

Show him what you have going on below the belt.  Be honest.  Tell him what feels good, and what doesn’t feel so great. Put his fingers where you want them, direct him where to use his tongue, and let him know the speed and pressure necessary to be pleasurable.

Most men (and maybe even uneducated women) think that the best pleasure comes from internal penetration.  They don’t even know where the clitoris is located or how important it is to a females sexual anatomy.

The sexier you talk to him – the crazier you’ll make him, in a good way!  You know how we women out talk men with our millions of words each day? Well guess what.  He wants to hear every last word – he’ll literally HANG on every last word, when you’re talking in the bedroom. You will be blown away by the power of your words and how they seem to be directly linked to the pleasure he feels, and the pleasure he gives.

I struggled with this a lot at first.  I was able to show him all the goods and explain what feels good but when we were in the act, I couldn’t seem to ask for what I wanted, give suggestions, or use “sexy talk.”  I kept thinking, “I know how much men HATE to be told what to do.  And the last thing I want to do is muddy our marriage bed by bossing him around.”  I bulked when someone told me, the bossier the better.  I even sympathetically smiled at my husband when he told me to command him around thinking he was trying so hard to be kind to me all the while believing he was not truly serious.  But I was wrong.  And I’m so glad I gave in, and gave it a shot.

I saw a Pinterest pin that said “No man wants to be bossed around, except in the bedroom.”  And it’s true.

The moral of the story? Sometimes in life you might need to convince yourself to do something good for you, even though your desire to do it is low. Apply that to the bedroom — be purposeful about actually having (more) sex, showing him what’s up down there, actively talking about pleasure and desires, and learning how to reach true genuine orgasm.

It will get easier, and it’ll turn sexier and more fun each time you hit the bedroom if you just give it a shot once.

Practical Application:

If you’ve never done this before, you have homework tonight.

Set some mood lighting (dim lights, candles, moonlight) get undressed, and show your man around. Be sure to use plenty of words, and TAKE YOUR TIME.  Sex is not a race.

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13 Responses to “Fake it ’til you make it, absolutely not!! (Part 2 of 5)”

  1. howsyourlovelife February 21, 2014 at 10:23 am #

    Standing O….umm ovation! Bravo!

    • Kayla Gulick February 21, 2014 at 10:41 am #

      BAHAHA!!! I appreciate the humor on these tough topics. I know how sensitive this area is and I want to be honest and yet careful. My followers are going up and doing like crazy!!! Some people are mad at me, and others are thanking me.

      • howsyourlovelife February 21, 2014 at 10:49 am #

        Be true to God, your guy and yourself, don’t worry about the others. They’ll follow, or they won’t.

      • Kayla Gulick February 21, 2014 at 10:52 am #

        I know you’re right. I just want others to realize that I want them to have the most exceptional marriages (because that really is the best witness we have for Christ as we represent Christ and the Church) and celebrating the act of sex is our greatest weapon to hold our marriages together against Satan’s attacks. I’m not writing to be “risqué'” I’m writing to be proactive and encouraging!

      • Bethany February 21, 2014 at 10:16 pm #

        Thank you so much for your courage in talking about this issue. It is SOOO important. Have you visited themarriagebed.com? Wonderful Christian website on this topic that has helped my husband and I a ton in our first couple years of marriage.

      • Kayla Gulick February 22, 2014 at 8:16 am #

        Yes, yes — love that website. I’ll be adding it to this series so people can go there for further assistance.

        And you’re welcome. Thank YOU for being here and adding comments to help enrich the posts.

      • Dan April 13, 2014 at 5:15 pm #

        The ones that leave are sadly the ones who need reaching, and the ones who stay are the ones you need to build the community as a safe and educational environment. It is just part of the process. The ones that stay share in the teaching process. Stay the course.

  2. Meagan February 21, 2014 at 11:47 am #

    I love that you’re writing about this, and I am so looking forward to the remaining posts on this topic. When I first got married, I was in a marriage class at church, and they told us oral sex was sinning. That if one did not achieve orgasms through “natural” sex, then that orgasm was “bad” and you were denying your partner…blah blah blah. It’s no wonder there are so many Christian men straying from their wives. The wives are told BY THE CHURCH that anything (ANYTHING) other than missionary is “bad”. I’ve even heard that woman on top, or the man taking her from behind is “sinning”. It is so sad how churches twist what God has given us and made beautiful. I mean, if the only kind of acceptable sex to God is vaginal (even in any position), than the clitoris doesn’t make too much sense. I understand that there is a large portion of women who are unable to climax during straight up vaginal sex. No wonder women are taught sex is something to be “endured” and considered a “duty”. I wouldn’t want it solely like that, either!!

    • Kayla Gulick February 21, 2014 at 12:36 pm #

      I am so floored about the class you took. Did they use Scripture to “prove” their reasoning and explain how orgasms outside of vaginal penetration was sinful? I believe strongly that Song of Solomon paints a VERY erotic picture of sex that isn’t quiet missionary style. I simply cringe at what some in the church are taught. And you’re SO right! If a woman never had an orgasm…. it would just a duty that no one would desire to fill.

      • Meagan February 21, 2014 at 12:47 pm #

        It’s been over ten years, so I can’t quite remember if they attempted to use Scripture or not. There have been several churches I’ve visited, though, that have the pastor up at the pulpit, and not open the Bible the entire service. I’ve seen a couple “pastors” just get up in front of the congregation and basically give their opinion on politics, current events, or what THEY think the Bible is saying. No Word of God necessary. Wow, there are some really messes up churches out there. Anyway, what was the question? LOL I can rant and rave about how churches mess up Christians and their relationship with God. There have got to be some good ones, but they are so hard to find! Anywho, I don’t know if they actually used Scripture or not, but I remember being completely SHOCKED that they tried to say there was some sexual contact (that GOD created) between a husband and wife that was “sinning”.

  3. Lee Lee Bug February 21, 2014 at 7:16 pm #

    It’s great that you’re addressing this issue. But, please keep in mind, that sometimes it’s not the wife who is holding back. My husband has been very hesitant to approach me for sex since we were first married.

    We were both virgins at the time. I thought he’s feel more comfortable over time, but that’s never happened and we’ve been married 18 years. I’d love to be able to show him my body and what feels good and where everything is located, but he gets embarrassed and frustrated if we deviate from the same basic pattern we’ve always followed (essentially missionary style).

    I don’t complain as we are only having sex a few times a month and I don’t want to discourage him.

    • Kayla Gulick February 22, 2014 at 8:14 am #

      Lee Lee – Thank you for acknowledging that point. Yes, there are men who struggle in this area. Unfortunately, that is beyond the scope of my blog. I write to women and address what we can do as wives, mothers, and sisters in Christ to be obedient to Scripture and continually growing.

      I would suggest doing some research and finding a man’s blog like mine that you could share with your husband. Especially going to the marriage bed website for further assistance in this area.

      I hope you both find something that helps in this area!! And thanks so much for reading along.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. What is the big deal about sex anyway? | Lessons Of Mercy - February 21, 2014

    […] Part 2 – Fake it ’til you make it, absolutely not!! […]

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