Oral, are you serious? (Part 4 of 5)

23 Feb

If you’ve ended up here without first reading “What is the big deal about sex anyway?” which is part 1 of this series, please stop and go read that first.  It’s important to gather all the information in a series to gain the full benefit and understand where we’ve been and where we’re going.

 If you are in an abusive marriage, a marriage with continual habitual sin (like an addiction or an affair) or have a past that contains sexual abuse or rape, please seek professional help.  This series is not written with the intent to address these exceptional situations, but rather is being written for married Christian couples who are seeking the truth about sex within marriage assuming there are no abusive or habitual sinful behaviors taking place.

You’ve had a few days to contemplate the title of this post because I let you know we’d be going here.  But just to clear up any chance of doubt… yes, this is going where you thought it was.  We’re going to discuss oral sex.

WHY ORAL SEX?

1.) Statistics show over and over and over again that only 20 – 25% of women can achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration only.  I told you in post one, and have repeated it over and over again, if there is no pleasure – there is very little desire.

Some people claim that oral sex is wrong.  Where does it say that in Scripture?  I’d actually argue strongly that Song of Solomon paints the opposite picture, but I’m not diving all the way in there today.  This post would end up being WAY too long…. and others have already handled this topic wonderfully. (If you have concerns about if oral sex is a sin, check out the thoughts posted here.)

2.) For both men and women – it feels amazing! And who doesn’t want to add things to their bedroom that add pleasure?  But I’d challenge you to think about this a little further for him….

because I’ll be honest.  I had a few hang-ups myself about wanting to perform oral sex for him, often, and all the way.  I got a little complacent in my mind that as long as I was finishing the job with my hands, or actual intercourse… he was getting fulfilled and I was doing my job.

However — doing my job is a whole lot different from fulfilling every desire inside him.  *I* am his wife.  *I* have the power to pull out things inside him that no other person on this planet has a right to do.

What if oral sex looked like this for him:

a.) A totally new visual. (Remember, men are visually stimulated in a way we often aren’t.)  He gets to watch his most intimate and pleasurable part of his body be aroused, and worked all the way to climax.

b.) You’re totally engaged.  One of his biggest fears is that you’re often passively laying there thinking you’d rather not be with him.  But when you’re performing oral, you’re the one actively pursuing and desiring him.  You can’t passively lay there when you’re calling the shots.

c.) It feels different.  Your mouth, tongue and throat do not feel the same as your hand or your vagina.  You can do things with different motions, effects and pressure that you can’t do any other way.

d.) It makes him trust you deeper because it’s even MORE intimate than sex.  (Which I’ll explain a little further in just a second.)

Before I move on — I know some of you are getting uncomfortable because I’m failing to address some of the hang-ups.  What about having a gag-reflex, thinking semen is just plain gross, that feeling of hair in your mouth, or the unpleasant smells that can exist.

I could talk on this, but it’d be a waste of my time because THIS BLOG by Forgivenwife, is a gold mine for all these concerns and answers.  I strongly, STRONGLY encourage you to pop over to this page, and utilize every single resource you can to talk about those hang-ups, get some how-to’s and read some more reasons why you might want to add this to your bedroom.

3.) The power of the mouth.  I’m taking a risk and going somewhere I haven’t seen many other blogs go to explain to you why I believe the mouth is CRUCIAL in our sexual life with our spouse.

Scripture tells us that the tongue has the power to speak life or death.  It describes it as being small but holding the power of a bit in a horse’s mouth, the rudder to steer a large ship, and a small spark that can set a forest on fire. (James 3)

With our mouths we have the ability to praise and to curse.  We have the choice to GIVE HEALING or CRUSH THE SPIRIT (Proverbs 15:4)

That last verse is REALLY powerful isn’t it?  With our tongues we can bring healing, to a husband who desires intimacy in a way he has a hard time verbalizing.  Ladies, men are not like us.  We have the ability to be emotional SO much easier than they do.  Even if they are the chatty kind of guy, or if you’re married to the strong, silent type – they rarely bare the deepest parts of themselves with anyone.  Even their wife.

However, that begging of you to give him a blow job (which many of us have been on the receiving end of) is a cry to heal his largest craving for intimacy.  Rejection is the power of the tongue to crush his spirit.  And hold that barrier of his deepest self in the prison only he has the key to.

But if you’re safe, engaged, desire him, and give every kind of healing with your tongue that no one else can give — he’ll grant you a key to that prison.  And you’ll go deeper in your marriage and intimacy than ever before.

And this applies to oral sex, sexy talk, kissing and words of praise.

Which is why we ACTIVELY practice Echad.  All forms of it.  To keep anything from coming between us, to reopen and re-engage over and over the secret depths of ourselves, and enjoy pleasure unlocked behind closed doors that no one ever sees but the two of you.

Practical Application:

Go – RIGHT NOW – and read some more from those other two links!!!

Make a list of your struggles in this area.  Be determined to finding real solutions.

Stop and consider why his requests for oral sex might be the most beautiful question he’s ever asked you before.  And decide if you really want that key only he can give you.

12 Responses to “Oral, are you serious? (Part 4 of 5)”

  1. Askme February 24, 2014 at 1:47 pm #

    This is awesome. Christians should have the best sex, I always say.;) Thanks for taking the risk of being specific (as opposed to just giving vague principles) about this subject!

    • Kayla Gulick February 24, 2014 at 1:54 pm #

      I appreciate the support and encouragement. You’re welcome. And I agree — we SHOULD have the best sex!!!

  2. Cynthia March 14, 2014 at 4:53 am #

    WOW! Thank you so much for your post on oral sex. I came over from a link at Peacefulwife and i luv your blog too! I always wondered about oral sex and thought that maybe it was a sin. My husband asked me to give him an oral early into our marriage but i was hesitant. We are both Christians. Then this other day, I thought that “what if he goes out there & gets what i wont give him from someone else?” So i surprised him and gave him an oral. (i have lost count now of the number of orals i have given him and he LOVES it). i like to surprise him in the middle of the night or early morning on in the shower! 😀 Thank you again Kayla, now i can really enjoy giving an oral because i now know that it is not a sin. Am actually ashamed because it has been long since i last gave him an oral, because of a “guilty conscience” even though he gives me an oral! so thank you again. God bless!

    • Kayla Gulick March 14, 2014 at 6:21 am #

      You’re welcome Cynthia! I’m so glad you feel the freedom to enjoy every aspect of sex with your husband. May you continue to fulfill him and surprise him and he the same for you 🙂

  3. Dan April 14, 2014 at 1:55 am #

    When done for (sounds so much nicer than “to”) either partner, oral sex provides an opportunity for intimate exclusivity that few other acts can provide. One partner is actively DOING for the other who is actively RECEIVING from them. The receiving partner is able to focus their energies on only their pleasure. This can perhaps result in the highest degree of sexual pleasure for them. Please allow that there is can be a difference between feeling pleasure only and experiencing fulfilling sex. To some couples, only intercourse gives them a feeling of fulfillment. The receiving partner has only to assume a pleasing workable position and focus on the sensations that are building and flowing outward (no pun intended) over their body.

    The “cheerful” giver is focusing on the pleasure of the receiver only, though I would propose that the giver is receiving emotional pleasure, some greater than others. I have read where some female givers have reported experiencing their own orgasm while performing oral; however, I haven’t read if this is spontaneous or if they are simultaneously stimulating themselves in some way during the process.

    One might argue that being masturbated by your partner would give the same results as oral. Your partner does the work while you kick back, enjoy the process and then supply the fruit of your partner’s labors. If the only desire was an orgasm that would be true. But if you are in search of a higher level of intimacy, oral is the way to go. Oral is the trip with orgasm (or some other acceptable form of partner satisfaction) the destination. And as they say of travels, it isn’t just where you are going, but with whom you are going. To let the folks back home know how things are going and increase the level of intimacy for all involved, you both need to make frequent calls home speaking as your spirit gives you utterance. It may be difficult at first, but with practice not only does it get easier, but the oral becomes more effective. S/he needs to hear when you are in the throes of excitement or pleasure. Giver and receiver both should stroke one another’s arousal with vocalizations. Moans, sexy talk, gasps, groans, etc are highly effective. This is one place I feel “fake it ’till you make it is okay. I am not talking about faking orgasm. I am talking about being verbal even though you are uncomfortable with it. “I could never say/do that!” YES YOU CAN, even if only slightly under your breath, but loud enough to be heard. Remember the first time you wanted to say, “I love you,” but were afraid of rejection. If you said it to the right person, it was easier the next time and more easy each other time. This is no different and the best part is this time you KNOW it’s the right person. For both of you, while you’re at it throw in a little squirming and writhing. Be physically active beyond localized motion in the “dining at the Y” zone. The more you put yourself physically into it, the more you will get out of giving and receiving both emotionally and physically. It creates an emotional/physical cycle that will perpetuate itself further boosting the pleasure for both of you. HONEST.

    The reason oral is so intimate is simple. The receiver is both physically and emotionally vulnerable. They sit/lie/stand and display their body to the other. It is a very open process with no place to hide, including under the body of their partner who is kneeling or lying between their legs. (The receiver kneeling over the giver is not the same oral in spirit I feel.) You are allowing all of your body and a very precious part of your anatomy to be totally exposed and are risking possible rejection or hurt in some form. When willingly accepted without shame or guilt, and offered with skill and dedication, I feel oral can give the highest degree of pleasure.

    As to intimacy for the giver, you are being allowed exclusive access in a way no other is. You are trusted to be compassionate and totally invested in the one you are pleasuring. There is this aspect of it too. How many people will you eat or drink after? If alone with another person not your lover and they asked you to place their freshly washed fingers in their mouth or lick them, would you? Yet, without duress, you will place your mouth upon this most intimate place of another’s anatomy…out of love and wanting to meet their desire. You give with passion and joy and then humbly receive the fruits of your labors from her or him. Give me all that is you and I will share with you all that is me. What could be more personal and sexually intimate?

    Prov 5:18 (NLT) Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.

    Song of Solomon 4:12-13 (The Message) 12 Dear lover and friend, you’re a secret garden, a private and pure fountain. 13 Body and soul, you are paradise, a whole orchard of succulent fruits.

    Song of Solomon 4:16 Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere. Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits…May my beloved come into his garden And eat its choice fruits!”

    Oral. VERY serious.

    • Kayla Gulick April 14, 2014 at 6:45 am #

      Great description of the intimacy involved!!

      And I agree.. .you should learn to become VERY vocal with your husband. I guess I never call that “fake it” because you don’t want to fake noises when you shouldn’t make them because that just misleads the other person to think something is the “ticket” when it isn’t yet. But… I do think you should actively force yourself to try and be honest with sounds and words when the feelings are there… and yes absolutely IT WILL GET EASIER!!!

      ((For women Dan, we have to be “so careful” with faking of any kind… because that’s an easy escape Satan tempts us to take often. Even if just faking exhaustion or headache 😦 Sad. But so true.))

      • Dan April 14, 2014 at 11:11 am #

        I can see where I should have better explained that. I do remember your remarks on “faking it” but didn’t directly associate it with what I was saying. What I meant to say was:

        Though you may be shy about and uncomfortable with vocalizing you desires or feelings of pleasure, go ahead and try it. It may not be who you feel you are and how you usually express your sexuality but in time you may adjust to it an adapt it in a way that will increase the joy and fulfillment your receive during sex. For those of you who have become able to sing, speak in public, or express yourself within a small group, its that same type of thing. The more you do it, the more you will become willing to do it and desire to do it.

        If you wish to edit my original comment removing “fake it ’till you make it” references, and somehow incorporate the spirit or letter of the above addendum, PLEASE do. I completely understand. I can see where my careless use of that phrase subverted in part you mission with this blog. For that oversight, I apologize. I should have thought that out better.

        I originally typed “normally” instead of ” ‘usually’ express” above but thought better. That usage connotes there actually is a “normal” in sexual relationships which I think discourages experimentation and freedom of expression in an individual’s or couple ‘s intimate activities. Your turn-ons and sexually fulfilling practices come from a very deep place within you and may be beyond what you would choose for yourself. The impetus of a desire is often not discernible. But if the act is consensual, not harming and not sinful if you are a religious person, it should not necessarily be subject to the arbitrary judgement of others. Kind of like “dirty” as opposed to “sexy” talk don’t you think. Takes the “judgement” factor out of the equation. While speaking of NORMAL, a good book that addresses “normal”, and how we may need to rethink WHAT sex is and HOW we do it, especially when faced with challenges, is “Sexual Intelligence” by sex and family therapist, Marty Klein, Ph.D. A word of warning, though he is Jewish, the book is more secular in its focus and may be more direct and sexually tolerant than some Christian readers may find comfortable; however, I do feel if you are reading this blog and others like it (not that I’ve found another quite like Kayla’s, bless her), you will be able to come through reading it with your spirituality and morality intact and possibly with a more fulfillment in your sexual experiences and your marriage relationship.

      • Kayla Gulick April 14, 2014 at 11:17 am #

        Thanks for adding the book reference! I don’t think we can ever have enough resources. It makes it possible for every individual couple to find something they really relate to or reaches who they are together intimately.

        And! Great avoidance with the word “normal”. HA! If any of us were normal… I’m certainly not. Sometimes my mood from week to week isn’t even normal 😉 God bless hormones, right?! (Humor intended… sometimes we have to laugh a little in life too 🙂 )

      • Dan April 14, 2014 at 11:54 am #

        There are currenty about 12 copies on select sale on Amazon if you are interested.
        Feel free to delete this after viewing if you don’t want to promote something you are not familiar with.
        http://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Intelligence-What-Really-Sex–/dp/B00B1L7A4Q/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1397490633&sr=8-1&keywords=sexual+intelligence+what+we+really+want+from+sex–and+how+to+get+it

        Next time ED strikes, I’ll try laughing…very little. 😦

      • Kayla Gulick April 14, 2014 at 11:58 am #

        Well… maybe don’t laugh at the time… :/ but let the anatomy of our bodies be fun (and funny!) sometimes the seriousness of the issue makes it so darn tense it can’t be pleasurable.

      • Dan April 14, 2014 at 12:09 pm #

        Oral is a viable alternative to intercourse when ED strikes. Women need to know this. Though still potentially disappointing for men, soft is not an issue with oral. There can still be pleasure and, from what I’ve read, orgasm, though maybe not as satisfying, just different. One has to wonder the logic of choosing no orgasm over a less satisfying one of course. Humm? Which to choose? Let me think about that first. Duh!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. What is the big deal about sex anyway? | Lessons Of Mercy - February 23, 2014

    […] Part 4 – Oral, are you serious? […]

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