Don’t promise with words, promise with action. (Part 5 of 5)

24 Feb

If you’ve ended up here without first reading “What is the big deal about sex anyway?” which is part 1 of this series, please stop and go read that first.  It’s important to gather all the information in a series to gain the full benefit and understand where we’ve been and where we’re going.

 If you are in an abusive marriage, a marriage with continual habitual sin (like an addiction or an affair) or have a past that contains sexual abuse or rape, please seek professional help.  This series is not written with the intent to address these exceptional situations, but rather is being written for married Christian couples who are seeking the truth about sex within marriage assuming there are no abusive or habitual sinful behaviors taking place.

I’m going to be addressing three different topics with the title of this post.

Number one:

I know I have some women who are painfully reading through these posts resisting the urge to comment saying “You don’t understand. I’m the one with the higher drive.  And I feel like my husband is rejecting me!”
Um, yes, yes I do understand that.  That describes the first 8 years of my marriage to a science! I haven’t forgotten the pain of that or how frustrating it was.

The truth?  Uh oh… my fingers are trembling because I can see the “unfollow” button being attacked…. I was a really disrespectful wife, and it was hard for my husband to feel intimate and safe with me, not to mention truly desire me daily.  My husband wasn’t flawless in that time either. I’d never say all the marriage issues fall on one spouse.  But, just because that’s true… doesn’t mean any spouse has an excuse to keep walking in sin. We answer to God individually, and no one is getting a pass on the “well ,he did this first” excuse.

I had to address my disrespect, and everything changed when I did.

If you’re at all curious if your husband might have a lower drive than you because he’s feeling disrespected…. please go here now.

Number two:

I also have a group of readers who struggle with gate-keeping and refusal.  This might be due to low-libido, lack of desire because they never orgasm, exhaustion, stress, feeling vulnerable, it’s a weapon or reward for his behavior, or just plain lack of understanding how necessary sex is in marriage because they don’t feel like they need it.

Sometimes they promise to do better, and they really do want to do better…. yet they never really do better at all.

If you’re in that group of women…. please go here now.

Number three:

For the rest of the women out there — you fall into the group of women who desire sex in your marriage both for his pleasure and your pleasure, yet you still struggle with inhibitions somewhere.  Maybe in what you want to try, how you look naked, or just taking that first step to do some of the things we’ve mentioned in this series or that you were able to read about by clicking on those links I’ve been adding…. but turning it into action is a stumbling block.

I totally get it.

I would never suggest trying everything new in one night.  It actually would be too overwhelming for both of you.  Remember, this is about your sex life for the rest of your marriage. Not just one experience.

Take very small steps, and get comfortable with something new seeing if it was a huge benefit, or if it was just so-so and decide if you want to expand on it, or skip it and go to something else.

This is my suggested action plan.

Step 1:

Have a talk outside the bedroom.  When you’re both fully dressed, unexposed, and in good spirits.  (Don’t try to bring this up when either of you is exhausted, in the middle of a stressful situation, or right after an argument.)

Ask your husband a few questions.

Maybe like – what is your favorite thing that I currently do in the bedroom?  Do you like (or would you like) if I made a few more noises and spoke some words about what I enjoy and what I’d like you to do for me? Is there anything you’d like to try that we’ve never tried?  How often do you think about sex?  How many times each week would satisfy your desires? (Be willing to answer his questions if he asks some too!)

Step 2:

Spend some time thinking about what he answered.  You can totally take notes while asking him (that will even show him how interested you are in meeting all his needs and having all yours met too.)

Think about any things he repeated more than once, or what first came out of his mouth.  If it was “I wish I knew if you liked it more.”  Then start focusing on sexy talk.  If it was “I wish you’d perform oral or let me perform oral.” Then start by focusing on what things need addressed for this to be an active part of your bedroom.

Set realistic goals for yourself.  Make a promise to yourself that you’re going to take the first step, and then be a woman of your word and follow through.  I wouldn’t personally suggest making these promises to him or giving him time lines in which you’ll start anything because as I’ve said many times, this isn’t a race nor is it good for either of you to have pressure over your heads.

Step 3:

Pray. Well, that seems unchristian for you to put pray as step 3.  Don’t misunderstand, I would definitely encourage praying before every step…. but THIS step is crucial before moving on and has to be addressed purposefully because I believe it’s very important to pray SPECIFICALLY and not just generically. Once you’ve talked to your husband and you’ve written down areas where you can grow and explore, ask God to bless your marriage bed IN THESE AREAS.  Be bold before the throne.  God created sex, there is nothing to hide from Him.  Ask Him to help you and your husband unlock and discover every ounce of pleasure He intended in your sex life with each other and then expect God to answer you.  Ask Him for courage to try new things, and a heart to desire and love every concept you’re agreeing to try that you might have reservations about right now.

Step 4:

Follow through.

I think you’ll be surprised by the freedom God will unlock, the pleasure it’ll bring to both of you, the changes it will make OUTSIDE of your bedroom, and how you’ll experience this crazy new intimacy that you didn’t even know you were missing.

Practical Application:

Slow and steady – don’t overwhelm or stress yourself out.

But resolve to make a first step.  And then a second.

Actions have and always will speak louder than words — SHOW HIM you want to make all his dreams come true instead of just promising you do with your words.  I really, truly believe you’ll be surprised how much it meets needs and changes things for YOU too!

If you have questions, concerns or comments and don’t want to post publicly, feel free to email me at and we can chat privately.


11 Responses to “Don’t promise with words, promise with action. (Part 5 of 5)”

  1. howsyourlovelife February 24, 2014 at 1:33 pm #

    I agree with everything you’ve said in this series of posts, there is one thing that I don’t feel like was covered, but maybe it was implied. It’s about our response as women to what he requests. We tend to think our perspective is the ‘right’ one and anything different is wrong, and can place shame on our guys for having a high sex drive or for requesting something new. It is so important to respond without shaming or repulsion. If a suggestion is made that you feel you cannot fulfill, tell him without judging him for asking. Is this in line with what you believe, Kayla?

    • Kayla Gulick February 24, 2014 at 1:44 pm #

      Absolutely!! I may need to write a sequel about not shaming or belittling him. Extremely good point. I felt I could go a lot deeper, but wanted to see how my readers responded with even this much risky sex talk first!

      • Elizabeth February 24, 2014 at 2:52 pm #

        I’ve enjoyed reading these posts. I know they weren’t designed to cover every possible issue that could keep some wives from giving of themselves joyfully and with confidence to their husbands, but I’d like to comment on something else that could be causing many wives great pain and put them in this position. Their husbands may have made a disparaging remark about their bodies or compared them unfavorably to a previous, possibly much younger sexual partner. Although my husband is a wonderful man, he said something like this to me when I asked him why he didn’t appear to be excited much by me physically (shortly after our marriage!). He said my weight bothered him (I’m about 20 pounds overweight and the same weight I was when we became engaged), and when I pushed to know why, he admitted it was because he had been used to much younger, much thinner partners. He regretted saying it almost immediately because it hurt me so much, and said later I’m attractive to him now “because he knows me better.” I was devastated by his words and have found moving past this memory the biggest challenge I’ve ever had to face. I’ve prayed intensely, followed the Peacefulwife blog for months, and have made a lot of progress, but the demon of this memory still comes back to haunt me during intimate moments. I have to keep reminding myself that I should look only to God for complete love, security, and acceptance.

        I’ve prayed for peace and am praying harder still for God’s wisdom, perspective, and clarity, but my point is that sometimes husbands themselves critically wound their wives with unloving comparisons that are extremely hard to forget, even if one has forgiven. I forgave my husband soon thereafter, because I love him and want God to forgive me, but forgetting is SO MUCH HARDER. My husband continues to reassure me of his love for me now in every way. He says nothing else matters now but that he truly
        loves me heart, mind, body, and soul , and I know he is right. He is a wonderful man that truly didn’t find my physical body as pleasing as those of younger women at first, but he has come to love the whole me, of which my body is a part. Please Kayla, pray with me and for women like me who have been hurt like this, that we can move past it, extend grace, forgiveness, and love to our husbands, stop hurting so much, and build happiness with them in every area, including a wonderful sex life without the presence of any painful
        memories from the past in our marriage beds.

      • Kayla Gulick February 24, 2014 at 3:21 pm #

        Ouch Elizabeth. I bet that really hurt. I’m so sorry. And you’re right…. that issue is a little deeper than I went with this series. I’ve received a few comments and emails regarding some of these situations and I may need to write some separate posts addressing these issues in depth.

        I think it’s awesome that you’re fighting for your marriage and daily working on resisting those feelings and picking that offense back up.

        I will pray for you — and others who didn’t comment but are feeling what you’re feeling.

  2. Meagan February 24, 2014 at 4:18 pm #

    Great series! I’ve really enjoyed reading your posts, and the link to the Forgiven Wife. You’ve both given me a lot to try out!!

    • Kayla Gulick February 24, 2014 at 4:46 pm #

      Thanks for reading along Meagan! I always appreciate your insights and feedback. Have a blast in the next days and weeks to come. I hope you rock his world 🙂

  3. learningever February 24, 2014 at 10:45 pm #

    Thank you for such much good advice and insight. Slow changes over time is truly the way to make lasting growth. We did this with changing our eating habits and it has worked. Too much radical change is hard to adjust to and doesn’t seem to be as apt to last, from my experience. Every step in the right direction adds up over time, giving us more freedom. Prayer, yes!

    • Kayla Gulick February 25, 2014 at 6:50 am #

      You’re very welcome. And you’re exactly right — slow changes are subtle enough to withhold the pressure of change!

  4. elovesc33 February 26, 2014 at 9:28 am #

    Great series, Kayla ! I hope that someday my wife may read these.

    • Kayla Gulick February 26, 2014 at 9:55 am #

      Thank you. I hope she’ll read them too – and give them some thought.


  1. What is the big deal about sex anyway? | Lessons Of Mercy - February 24, 2014

    […] Part 5 – Don’t promise with words, promise with action. […]

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