You want me to WHAT?!

1 Mar

I’m going to write a couple posts addressing a few comments to my sex series that came publicly and through private email.

Today’s topic – How do I handle it when he asks me to do something new that I’m not thrilled about?

This question is pretty heavy because there are SO many different scenarios this addresses.  So, please read this knowing that I will not touch on every single issue, but that I’ll do my best to cover the most common ones.  Especially if you’re looking for professional guidance on abuse, porn addiction and physical infidelity, I am not qualified to be the main source of help. (If you’re in this situation, please seek professional support.)

First and foremost, let’s address our responses to new ideas before we even dig into if you really should try them.

I know that for many women, we really struggle with our feelings being our truth.  That is such a dangerous reality and can cause us extreme problems in every area of our lives.  It’s good and right for us to first ask ourselves if we have a habit of doing this.  Ask these questions:

-When I feel something about a specific issue, does it affect how I react in numerous areas of my life? (I’m upset with my husband about “x”, so I’ll stop doing this, this and this for him too.)

-When I feel something, do I trust that feeling and assume I should act immediately on that feeling? (I feel hurt.  I bet my husband doesn’t even care how much that hurt me.  And he’s not even going to apologize for what he did.  He probably even did it on purpose because he cares about himself more than he cares about me.)

-Do I often speak with the words “always & never” when I have a strong feeling about something? (You forgot to call me and let me know you would be late.  You NEVER take my feelings into consideration.  You ALWAYS do what is best for you and don’t care about how it’ll affect me.)

If you’ve struggled with this habit (that most women do) first of all, you’re not alone.  But secondly, it is really good to recognize this and get a handle on this outside of the bedroom so it doesn’t carry over into the bedroom.

Otherwise, when he asks you to try something new — you might “feel” a certain way about it, trust that feeling, and then in turn make wrongful assumptions or conclusions and really hurt your husband.

Whether or not we “like” this truth — the only thing I can find in scripture that is printed clearly for us that is wrong sexually is:

– sex before marriage

– infidelity (sex outside of marriage, or in marriage with the inclusion of more than one man and one woman.)

– lust for anyone other than your spouse

– homosexuality

– bestiality

I don’t see anywhere that says “multiple positions, oral sex, anal sex, conversation (the inclusion of any/all words), or role-playing” is listed as wrong, sinful or unholy.

In fact, scripture tells us that everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.

For the couple that includes these things with the permission and enjoyment of both people in the marriage – this is good.

For the couple that includes these things against the will or to the discomfort of one or both people in the marriage – this is not a beneficial addition to the sexual relationship.

However, the important thing to remember is that even if something is really scary for you, or not something you desire, THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOUR HUSBAND IS WRONG FOR WANTING TO TRY.

It is easy for us to think strong things when we feel caught off guard or asked to do something that feels wrong to us.

Maybe these thoughts have crossed your mind or come out of your mouth before:

– I’m not doing that.  I’m not a whore.

– Nasty.  That’s gross.

– What?  Are you gay if you’re that into anal sex?

– What is wrong with you that you’d even consider something like that?

– Are you unhappy with “ME” and what I will do so you’re trying to change me into someone else?

– Where did you even see something like that, are you being unfaithful to me?  That desire can’t possibly come naturally.

– That’s disgusting that you’d even ask me that.

That’s not a holy response, and it’s not OK for us to say these things.  Unless he is OUTRIGHT asking you to sin… we have no permission to shame, belittle, disrespect or condemn him for having a desire and asking us (HIS WIFE) to consider fulfilling it.

(To the men who read my blog- I RARELY address you, because I write primarily as a woman to women, and I take seriously that Scripture says a woman should not teach with authority to a man… in this instance, though, I am going to offer a suggestion that I think you should strongly consider before dismissing.  Our culture is sex crazed, and Satan can convince us to give into every desire we have by making it an idol or give it improper jurisdiction of our hearts.  It’s OK to have ideas for the bedroom and to take them to your wife, but not everything is beneficial sexually for you, your wife, or for you both as a couple.  If you’re really interested in something -like anal sex- do some DEEP research on the matter and discover if it is really safe for both of your health and what you’d need to consider to make it safe or after looking into the possible side effects for many women- if this is something worth even taking to her, what things you could present to her that would help her consider it, and even how to dismiss this craving if it would cause her physical or emotional harm. Just like she has no business shaming you for a desire, you have no business shaming her for her inhibitions to a desire.)

That being said women – we are their wives and it should be a desire of our heart to meet their deepest needs, requests and desires.  Before acting wildly harsh because of emotions, fears or inhibitions — give what he’s saying some thought.

A few good responses are:

– I’m up for giving this a try.  I’m not sure how it will go.  Can we take this slow? If it’s not working out, I’ll let you know so we can do something more comfortable.

– Wow! That sounds sexy.  I’ve never considered anything like that before.  Can I think about it and research it a little before we discuss giving this a try?

– I have a few fears and reservations about that. I’m not ready yet but I promise to pray about this and see if I can overcome my concerns.

– I love you so much and I think it’s awesome that you have that desire, but that position hurts me and I’m unable to do it with joy.  Would you be up for trying something close or brainstorming together for something to replace that desire?

Despite how crazy some of his suggestions might be — it’s really an honor ladies that he desires hot and crazy sex and that he wants YOU to fulfill these exciting longings in him.

Practical Application:

– Spend some time on the first section discovering if your emotions get to control your thoughts and actions.

– Consider your responses, and use gentleness to express what you’re ready or not ready to do.

– Pray about being willing to try some new things.  You never know, it might sound outlandish and freaky at first — but often times, he’s looking for new ways to please you too and it might be something you end up being wild about yourself!

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12 Responses to “You want me to WHAT?!”

  1. trixie1466 March 1, 2014 at 12:59 pm #

    Kayla,

    You’ve written a great post here. I would offer one suggestion though. When a wife responds to a husband’s request for something different she has to be honest. Don’t tell him you love that desire in him if you don’t. The one about “I have some fears and reservations….” sounds like an honest response. Wives that could honestly respond “i love desire” or “That sounds sexy” probably don’t need this post :). .

    Trust is destroyed when we fake things, like enthusiasm and/or orgasm. I think we need to frame our responses with 2 guidelines
    1. Is it truthful
    2. Is it edifying

    I don’t mean to pick at your post because it’s excellent, but I wouldn’t want women to feel they have to be dishonest to be supportive. I’m sure you didn’t mean that, but that’s how I read it.

    Trixie

    • Kayla Gulick March 1, 2014 at 2:07 pm #

      Trixie,

      I agree totally that a woman shouldn’t lie to her husband in her response! I talked about that too with faking orgasms in the second post of the series.

      I do think sometimes we can come to a place though where we do love the desires of our husband because we cherish him and what makes him tick, without feeling like we can give it a try. I’ve thought things my husband said were very sexy in theory, but thought they would be very painful, and sometimes they were.

      Absolutely though, a hundred times over – we should never lie in our response. Thank you for adding that really great point here!

  2. gottaletgo March 1, 2014 at 10:05 pm #

    what about if he wants anal sex more and more and then it gets harder for him to have an orgasm with vaginal sex. would that indicate a problem?

    • Kayla Gulick March 1, 2014 at 10:15 pm #

      I use the word “problem” here loosely. If it’s hindering one or both partners in a negative way to have vaginal sex take longer or be less fulfilling, then yes, it’s a problem. If neither partner minds that it’s taking longer and both like the direction everything is going, then I don’t see a problem. There really is no magic solution or “exact problem spotter” for everyone, so it will depend on each couple individually — unless someone is physically or emotionally hurt, or is sinning, then there aren’t any “problems.” ((I hope that helps!))

      • gottaletgo March 1, 2014 at 10:59 pm #

        it got to a point last year that it felt like that’s the only thing that stimulated him and he wanted it almost every time and it did bother me.

      • Kayla Gulick March 2, 2014 at 10:47 am #

        In that situation, I would definitely talk to him about your feelings. It’s just important to use respectful words and present your concerns without shaming or ridiculing him in the process. If he is unwilling to hear your heart, you may need to seek professional help.

    • Dan April 12, 2014 at 7:55 pm #

      There could be a lot of things going on here. Assuming this is not a mild fetish issue, one physical reason could be the increased contact (friction) that is present in anal. I know no woman really wants to acknowledge this but…With the passage of time, the addition of birthing children vaginally, hormonal changes and even possibly physical wear-and-tear through use and abuse, the introitus and walls of the vagina can become looser. They loose their grip, so to speak. Kegels can help some, but there may still be an inadequate lack of friction provided. Compound this with the loose of tumescence, rigidity and sensation in a man’s penis, especially the shaft, as he ages and you can quickly see how the gender based changes are at odd with one another. He needs increased sensation to be stimulated to orgasm, and the woman’s vagina is moving in the exact opposite direction.

      Now for a graphic illustration gottaletgo and other wives. Either squat or lie on your back. Now take a finger, gloved or not, lubed or not, and insert it into your introitus and vagina. Notice how it the grip and friction feels to YOUR FINGER, not your vagina. Now take the same finger under the same conditions and TRY to insert it into you anus and rectum. Once you have it inserted, do you notice a difference in grip of the anus and friction of the rectum which has no natural lubrication. A lot of men find the increased grip and friction highly stimulating and will a) orgasm, b) orgasm quicker, and c) orgasm more intensely. This is not to say that orgasm is more satisfying, but only that in some cases the important thing for him is that IT IS and orgasm. Citing no empirical evidence, I suspect this is why older men are partial to oral and manual as a way to achieve orgasm when the vagina is too much of a slip and slide experience. They need the increased friction. Add to it that they may also see anal as a closer substitute physically and anatomically (it is a spot “between” the legs and can be done in a quasi missionary position) to vaginal than oral.

      There are of course other reasons less benign that may create a preference for anal on the part of a man or woman, but I think it is only fair to consider this possibility especially in older men. Dr. Patrick Walsh states in his Guide to Surviving Prostate Cancer that by age 60, men have lost throughout their body 60% of the nerves he was born with. Loss of those nerves means loss of sensitivity. Of course, this fact and the awareness of it doesn’t make anal sex any more desirable, pleasant or pleasurable for a woman if it was none of that to begin with or make her any more willing to participate, even in a sacrificial context as a sexual gift to such a husband.

      I apologize for the directness of the above, but to ignore a possible physical reason for her husband’s increase in anal induced orgasms and decrease in vaginal orgasms seemed to be unfair to him and other similar husbands. However it is provided. anal, oral, manual, under the arm or between a pair of crossed or clamped thighs, increased friction and grip may be a big part of his problem as well as other men and if we don’t openly talk about it, how can we treat the problems resulting, both his AND hers?

      I will understand if you find this to blunt to publish or feel the need to edit it. It just is what it is though.

      • Kayla Gulick April 13, 2014 at 7:17 am #

        Thank you for adding those thoughts and perspective Dan. That may help a woman understand who has a husband who is asking!

      • Dan April 13, 2014 at 9:24 am #

        Thank you for understanding my motivation Kayla. I was concerned when composing it that it was going to be received a just short of pornographic and too frank for some, but in all of the blog slogging I have done, I have never seen the issue spoken to in a reasoned way. My husband wants to and eeeww. You hear he wants to and she doesn’t, and sometimes it’s the other way around or they both enjoy it, but you never hear a reasoned explanation for a possible sudden desire for it other than porn. I decided to include the finger test because surprisingly few women are intimately familiar with their anatomy. If anal has been tried, they are aware of the tightness there but often not in comparison and I have never seen the lack of nerve sensitivity in aging men spoken of.

        Tragically, for those couples who are intrigued by it, there is little “healthy and factual” information available and I have no doubt it is attempted with inadequate preparation, improper technique, unrealistic expectations and perplexing realities. If Googled, I suspect you end up in places you don’t want to be. It’s not that I’m promoting it or defending it. I’m just trying to add “thoughts and perspective” that aren’t inflamed by misunderstanding as to why. All that is not sin is permissible, but not all is beneficial. The beneficial part is determined by those involved and it is not for us to pry into their marriage bed. Having said that, for all the nosey Rosies out there who are certain of why I am so tolerant and open about it: NO, we haven’t.

        Again, thank for for permitting the post to stand as written. At some point, there is no other way to effectively address an issue other than to lose the “stick figure” drawings and show pictures of the real deal. Aren’t you glad that only went as far as a metaphor? HA

        In the interest of full disclosure, I have not read the series yet but will. When I stumbled on this last night while sampling your wares, I felt compelled to jump right in. Your are doing a great job with an eclectic blog and I really like your style. Love to stay and chat more but time to get ready for church.

      • Kayla Gulick April 13, 2014 at 12:35 pm #

        I agree Dan, there is often little support in and through the church with these issues… and google is not always safe!

        Have you ever visited themarriagebed.com? It’s an incredible Christian tool for ALL facets of the sexual relationship between husband and wife. So far, one of the best sites I’ve seen to tackle all the areas for both men and women.

        (I’ve found many to help women… but not both.)

        Anyway – thank again for providing more food for thought. I think it’s great for everyone to have a chance to share… no two marriages are exactly the same and it’ very hard to blanket teach on this topic.

      • Dan April 13, 2014 at 4:54 pm #

        Yes, I have visited themarriagebed.com. What they do there with the forum and what I want to do with my blog is create a shared dialog between men and women. If not a dialog, then at least a sounding board for both sexes. The community will ultimately determine how the blog is utilized. There are so many that are aimed at women and that pass over men’s comments if they even publish them. Of course, it is not as if one man or woman can speak for all, but to disallow a comment because it is deemed as sexist or “inappropriate” in mixed company is to perpetuate sexism on both side of the topic. I mean it’s not like these types of discussions or remarks will be made in a mixed-sex group environment by other than professionals and academics.They should be the only ones who bring compassion and empathy to their sexual relationships? And certainly not in the church. Even if done in a same-sex small group setting you had better have a pastor who is on board with it and is ready to take some significant, potentially church-busting heat from the more reserved sheep. In the mean time, the one-flesh relationship that is to represent the relationship between Christ and His church goes unmet, untaught, and unfulfilled. The relationship between husband and wife then also goes unfulfilled. I guess you sense some of my frustration with the way these problems are NOT exposed to the light of truth and dealt with?

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  1. What is the big deal about sex anyway? | Lessons Of Mercy - March 13, 2014

    […] You want me to what?! – follow up post. […]

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