What’s the story on “My Demon” now?

7 Mar

Do you remember the post I wrote titled “My Demon” from September 21, 2012?  I was just over a month into my new respect journey when this revelation kicked me in the gut. (If you’ve joined since then and never caught it, it’ll help to understand this post by reading that one first.)

In fact, that one post was shared on numerous sites (including Peacefulwife – which is when a lot of you who read April’s blog started following this one too!)  I answered a whole lot of emails and comments on this topic because it rang true for just so many of us women.  And it was very evident at the time, I was just “one of you.”  The post wasn’t written by a scholar in the least.  My real, honest emotions and thoughts are what made it relatable to others. And the revelation and wisdom came straight from God – because I’d lived 10 years of marriage at that point (and 29 years of life) running wild with the thoughts and emotions that presented themselves at any given time. And never knew any different.

April sent me an email and asked me what I thought about writing a follow up to “My Demon” – 18 months later.

Here is a sentence from her email:

“I think it would be neat to hear how you hear the demon’s voice now, how often, the intensity, what you do, and how much stronger God’s voice is now and the kinds of things you focus on and think about now.”

I pretty much immediately told her, “I’ll think about it” while in my mind saying – “No way!”  April’s blog is amazing.  It’s eye-opening, full of brilliant wisdom, insightful, helpful, and pointing out deeply painful but necessary truths to helping women change and save their marriages from a lifetime of misery!  But even more than that — it’s hopeful.  Even the things that are hard to read, are hopeful.  Change can happen, my marriage can be better, I can be a better wife, he can open up and lead as these changes take place — there is HOPE for something new!

And the truth?  I don’t think a follow up to “My Demon” is going to offer the hope April normally posts on her blog.

But — maybe, just maybe, there are women out there who are just like me.  And this post might be for you! So, I’ll answer these questions.

(–  how you hear the demon’s voice now, how often, the intensity)

I still hear my demon’s voice loud as ever and ALL THE TIME! He’s still a raging maniac full of accusations and specifics that beg to be entertained.  He knows me full well, and the areas that I’ve learned to shut down permanently are rarely touched and new areas where he wasn’t attacking before, he’s thrown some boulders at wildly.  He’s no joke.  The closer I grow to my husband – the more respect I show my husband – the stronger the spiritual battle.  The bigger threat we are to him, the more desperate he becomes and the more vicious his behavior.

(– what you do, and how much stronger God’s voice is now and the kinds of things you focus on and think about now.”)

I’m back and forth on what I do.  I’m such a sinner.  More often than not, I refuse to entertain the begging thoughts and accusations against my husband.  But sometimes, I still stumble in my flesh and I dabble in the game.  My journey for respect hasn’t magically or quickly removed all my selfishness, expectations, and ability to see all my husbands faults and sins with a magnifying glass. Especially because WE TRULY ARE A BRAND NEW COUPLE, and in ways that I never stumbled before, there are all new ways to tempt me.  Now, my husband does things for me he’s never done before and talks to me in a way we’ve never communicated, and if that seems hindered, it’s even harder not to jump to conclusions or freak out a little bit at the thought of that going away.

I hear God’s voice and I have allowed His truths to change so many of my behaviors and patterns, but I can’t say He’s always screaming louder than Satan.  I have to intentionally be still and silent to hear God and in the middle of my wrestling — some times I feel so wound up I can’t sit still. Even if that just means pacing the floor in frustration while my husband is at work.  It’s still a choice like it was before to go to Him and listen. In my experience, God rarely screams.  Satan however is a beast, and he’s deafening at times.

What I focus on and think of now is being intentional AND unrelenting.  (I talked about this word in January.)  I make an honest attempt at turning my wild thoughts back on myself.  Why do I feel this way?  Am I giving too much weight to my husband’s short-comings and not nearly enough to his strengths and character? How did I handle this situation?  Do I have disrespect to apologize for?  Is what I am tempted to say full of things that will be helpful to us, or hurt us?

At the end of the day — this respect journey has changed my life!  I want every single woman on the planet to read the books I have, read the blogs I have, and see the world in a different way than it’s being portrayed and pounded into us in every direction.

Life is BETTER with respect.  Life is BETTER with God.  Life is BETTER fighting the good fight.

But does this journey ever get easier?  No.  I’m so sorry if that crushes anyone’s hopes.  Maybe your experience will be different from mine.  Or maybe some of you older and wiser women are out there saying “Oh honey, you just haven’t been doing this as long as we have, you need more time.”  And maybe you’re right.  But at this point, I doubt it.

I think Scripture paints a pretty clear picture that walking the straight and narrow will be hard.  Persecution comes, trials come, heartache comes, and we’re all sinners until we cross over to eternal life.

Is there power in the armor of God? You better believe there is!!! When I intentionally get up in the morning and put on every ounce of protection I can muster on my body and mind – God is faithful to give me strength and courage to PRESS ON in the battle.  But He never makes it easier, even though He’s with me.  He only makes it change me by refining me IN the fire.

Is God’s way worth it? Absolutely.  Is God’s way getting easier? No, it’s not.

But I’d never look back.  I’ll keep fighting the good fight and being refined in the fire pressing on toward the prize.  No matter how loud Satan is, how often he attacks, with what intensity he beats me down and no matter how many times I stumble and fall.

Practical Application:

If you’re out there wondering why you’re not a good enough Christian wife because this hasn’t “gotten easier yet?” – STOP IT! That’s still Satan beating you down.

MY belief? The more Satan attacks, the evidence that you’re walking the straight and narrow because he’s threatened.

In the battle…. try so hard to find that still and quiet place so God can refuel your strength, courage, wisdom and power to keep going and resist Satan’s voice.  You can resist… but I doubt he’ll ever shut up.

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13 Responses to “What’s the story on “My Demon” now?”

  1. trixie1466 March 7, 2014 at 9:41 am #

    I know you thought you wouldn’t be offering hope, but just so you know, you do! Because it helps us know that what we’re going through is not unique to us. To know that walking this road is hard. It’s not all smiles and romantic moments. That demon that talks to us about our husbands also says “if you were just more respectful, or godly or …. you wouldn’t struggle so much”. That’s just not true and hearing that it’s not as easy as some bloggers make it look, gives me hope!

    Sharing these struggles helps shine God’s light in those areas that the enemy is trying to use to derail us and helps brings His truth to the enemy’s lies.

    Thanks for being so real. It’s my favorite thing about your blog!

    • Kayla Gulick March 7, 2014 at 9:57 am #

      As always Trixie — thank you for helping me know, I’m not alone in the battles.

  2. howsyourlovelife March 7, 2014 at 10:21 am #

    Well done! We women need to be sharing more about the struggles of being married, even to great guys, and the hardships of being moms, even with great kids. We do such a disservice when we give the impression that it’s not difficult. I completely agree that God does not scream, He is a still, small voice that we have to get still and small to hear. I love your point about satan using different tactics when you get stronger in one area, he is conniving. But our God is bigger!

    • Kayla Gulick March 7, 2014 at 10:39 am #

      Thanks girl. The comments bring the hope that we’re in this together and can keep pressing on!

  3. Stephanie March 7, 2014 at 1:07 pm #

    Great, great, great post!!! Dead on!

    I read other types of blogs too… Decorating/renovating types… And they also can make everything seem so perfect! Their pictures always show everything perfectly neat and tidy, no toys, no random dirty clothes, no 2 day old Cheerios… And it gets real disheartening.

    It’s easy to start to feel like I am a failure, that I’m “less-than” when I read a blog post (or several) and it seems like they’ve won all the battles that I seem to constantly be fighting. It’s good to know that we all struggle with the same things. It’s nice to hear that even people who seem like they’ve got it all figured out, sometimes really don’t.

    Keep up the good fight girl!!! You know you have, and continue to, inspire me!

    • Kayla Gulick March 7, 2014 at 1:53 pm #

      It is tough isn’t it? We want to know success is possible… but when it seems like failure never happens for others, ad we still fail — it just makes the reason to fight seem pointless. We’ll never “arrive” so why keep trying. Because the truth is … the “trying” is all any of us have!

      Love ya girl!!

      • Stephanie March 7, 2014 at 2:12 pm #

        You know, (and I’m not trying to go on and on on your blog…) your comment reminded me of one of our first conversations. I was a new true-believer and was really struggling with feeling inferior. I shared with you that I just knew I was less than, that you and some other people were out of reach for me. I was feeling like my sins were so much worse than everything and anything you could have possibly ever done. And you shared some things with me… Came down to my level… Related to me in a different way than any other Christian woman ever had… And I finally “Got It”.
        God doesn’t expect perfect. He expects progress.
        I know you struggle with being real and baring your all on this blog. But you are such a blessing to those of us that just need real. I mean it!

      • Kayla Gulick March 7, 2014 at 2:24 pm #

        *TEARS!!* I couldn’t imagine life without you.

        Thanks for the encouragement too. Sometimes it is hard to be so vulnerable. But, I just can’t imagine doing life any other way.

        I have had interaction with so many fake people in my life, and it has challenged me like nothing else to be relatable and real. Not only does it advance the gospel… it keeps us from being hypocritical.

        I use to struggle thinking others were out of my reach. And I also use to struggle acting one way in front of people, but participating in “secret activities” all with bold justification in one way or another behind the public eye.

        Both were unhealthy and hindered real fellowship.

        I’m thankful for this blog ministry — but Satan loves to make me question it, almost EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

  4. learningever March 7, 2014 at 7:16 pm #

    I love this! Was just telling Jesus, on the way to work this morning, that I did have victory by NOT saying the disrespectful thing before I left, but that I feel bad that I felt it so much. The ugly wanted to rage up. However, after reading this I am encouraged. The reality is I didn’t blurt it out, I recognized it as ugly sin and fought it. The devil does NOT want us changing these old sin habits. This must be powerful warfare stuff !

    • Kayla Gulick March 7, 2014 at 7:21 pm #

      You are SO right! Not blurting it out is an incredible victory! Good work girl!!!!

  5. prayingwife79 March 7, 2014 at 9:42 pm #

    Thank you for this! I have begun this journey a little over a year ago, but didn’t reach the point of realization of how ugly my sin was until 10 months ago. 10 months ago, I was on my knees in the middle of a crisis, praying for God’s will in my life and in my marriage, scared that God’s will may not align with mine, yet knowing that God would provide the way NO MATTER WHAT.

    This horrible demon, satan, the liar, the whisperer of insecurities and inferiorities… he does scream far too loudly at times. God does provide the strength and the way to continue to draw closer to Him. For me, the demon’s voice is still there, and hits in different areas-new ways, yet I can quiet it, I can question its validity, it’s weight against God’s truth.

    My husband isn’t perfect, nor am I. I am ashamed that I walked through too much of this life and my marriage thinking I was superior and knew better (than my husband and many others to be quite honest).

    The demon is still there screaming loudly too many days of the week, but I have God beside me to give me the strength. Everything isn’t perfect, my husband and I have lots of work to do, but there has been progress… GOD IS MIGHTY! My husband and I communicate better and I do respect him & love him so deeply. I pray that our marriage and our lives honor God…even though I get it wrong sometimes and let the insecurities take hold, even though as hard as I am trying to let God mold me into His image…I fail Him daily with my sinful nature allowing satan to whisper lies and feed on my idols.

    Thank you for your honesty so that us christian women trying so hard to get it right, can have hope that “getting it right” does NOT mean “being perfect”.

    • Kayla Gulick March 7, 2014 at 9:47 pm #

      You’re so very welcome. I’m so glad, for me and you and every other wife out there too that your last sentence is true! AMEN! If perfection was my goal, or even reaching the point where this was all easy — I might as well never even try because I just can’t get there. Thank the good Lord His mercies are new every morning. The hope I need to try again today, and tomorrow, and the day after that too!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Easy? | Lessons Of Mercy - March 11, 2014

    […] just wrote a post last week about how this life isn’t getting “easier” even though I’m growing in my journey of unconditional respect and also closer to the Lord in […]

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