Say Something….

30 Apr

Hey guys –

So, where have I been?  Well… I’ve been no where really.

I can say that I went from having a part-time babysitting job for the last two years, to having FOUR part-time jobs in two weeks time.  They are all jobs I can handle, but it’s taking some adjusting to get use to.

And baseball is in full swing so with two boys playing on two different teams and two other kids to watch and a husband who coaches…. it’s sink or swim and we do everything we can to stay afloat.

But… that’s all kinda a mask for the fact,

I don’t have anything to say.

Nothing is jumping out of my Bible at me.  In fact, it hasn’t for weeks. I’m still reading every day, always, but I don’t always remember what I read.  That’s how dry it is right now.

My prayer life is weak.  I pray with the kids every morning on the way to school, and some days… that’s as far as I get.

My natural instincts to be selfish and want to do everything I want to do when I want to do it and feel totally inconvenienced by my youngest two kids during the day is extremely high. I’ve said twice in the last week – I cannot WAIT until all of these kids are in school so I can have my days to myself.  Am I going to miss this someday?  It’s hard to believe that will be the case, but I can tell you that if that is true… it won’t just be miss, it’ll be regret.  Because I was warned to make the most of this… and yet, here I am – wishing it away.

Twice in the last week I treated my husband terribly with my actions and words.  I apologized very sincerely and quickly… but the suppression of my sinful nature is losing it’s grip.  And it scared me how wretched I was and how quick it happened.

I’ve avoided the computer, which means I haven’t read any of your blogs.  I’ve missed them so much, but I replaced all that computer time with work.  I’m throwing myself into my jobs right now in hopes to help my husband provide for this family.

I’m not depressed.  I’m not in a valley.  I’m not even lost in sadness.

It’s just very matter of fact.  I have nothing to say.

And the truth is… it’s time to say something before I give up.

We’ve all been there right?

When we avoid something or someone until they disappear.

Or, when we’re ignored to the point that we give up on someone or something else.

 

I’ll successfully hit 500 words, which is about half of a normal post for me.  I didn’t even think I’d get that far.

I’ll leave you with this….. I just appreciate the beauty of this song so much.

 

 

 

 

 

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9 Responses to “Say Something….”

  1. Askme May 1, 2014 at 1:43 am #

    I am so guilty of the “escape to anywhere else” mentality sometimes with my kids. Too often I feel they are a distraction from what I really want to be doing. It’s very hard to remember that it’s all so very short. God has been pressing on me the need to see them as my primary work. May we both remember to turn the mundane into the sacred. God bless you, friend.

    • Kayla Gulick May 1, 2014 at 6:24 am #

      Thank you for relating. There is power in knowing how and being willing to rise above when others are with you and for you.

      Sometimes life is just moving by really fast and yet I feel stuck in a season for too long. And sometimes that leaves me with plenty to say, and other times I’m left speechless.

      I appreciate everyone hanging in there while I let this month wash over me. I will be back!

  2. howsyourlovelife May 1, 2014 at 6:30 pm #

    Take all the time you need, I will be ready when you return! About those years with small children, they say the days feel like years and the years like days. It’s true. My house is empty way more than full these days, the way it should be, but I do miss the chaos sometimes.

    • Kayla Gulick May 1, 2014 at 7:07 pm #

      Thank you! So good to know my readers have nothing but love and support for me!

  3. howsyourlovelife May 1, 2014 at 6:31 pm #

    By the way, I had not seen the video with this song, I cried all the way through. It is achingly beautiful.

  4. Dan May 2, 2014 at 1:07 am #

    I understand how that can be. I see you are suffering guilt over “selfish” attitudes but it may not be that you are selfish in nature. What you may be manifesting is a gnawing feeling of discontent because you aren’t finding fulfillment in the familiar places of the past. You are finding it less satisfying to soothe yourself in the old ways and as such find it difficult to continue to invest your energy in them daily. Because those old ways involved your children and husband and are not only considered desirable but necessary to marriage and parenthood, neglecting or withdrawing from them causes even more anxiety and despair. It’s a tough place to be in. It sounds like you haven’t adequately identified the source of your discontent either so searching out what will appease it is causing frustration. I suspect the constant anxiety causes that lack of investment in the old things that aren’t currently working and draws you away from them as your system continues to search for peace. It’s hard not to feel guilty and selfish, but it’s likely only of a process you are caught up in and really has little to do with being selfish as much as finding a way to self-soothe the mental or emotional turmoil you don’t yet have a finger on. Don’t let it define you or your worth as a wife or mother.

    • Kayla Gulick May 5, 2014 at 8:14 pm #

      Thanks Dan. I appreciate your kind words!

      • Dan May 5, 2014 at 8:56 pm #

        For what it’s worth, I’m kind of in a stall myself. I can’t get interested in writing a post although I have plenty of ideas and drafts to work on. I have been very pleased and proud of the quality of my posts, but they take a lot out of me to produce and I find myself feeling guilty of not giving more time to my wife, like you with your family.

        It sounds like you feel you really need some “me” time and now you are faced with school letting out and losing that refuge for those few hours a day for a couple of months. Perhaps you need to consider not fighting the present and invest yourself in what it has to offer. Try to accept this is where you are meant to be, doing what you need to do in this very moment. Find the joy in it and release the frustration of wishing it were some other way. If you are fighting God’s purpose for you, you will find no peace. I don’t mean to neglect your own well-being, but making peace with the present may be what actually is in the current interest of your own well-being. If you pursue what is not in sync with your purpose, the conflict will increase the anxiety and turmoil you are now going through. Bloom where you are planted in the present. The present where the growth for the future will take place so you will be prepared when you arrive there. All these current “aggravations” will then be seen in context. But DON’T STOP BLOGGING. YOU HAVE THINGS TO SHARE UNIQUE TO YOUR PERSPECTIVE. You do have something to say, you only have to have the courage to write it. I too have things I would love to share, but have to consider how they may affect my family. Blogging is therapy. We write out our pain and frustration, even if we only hint at the nature and depth of it.

        I would miss your blog. Keep writing. “Or, when we’re ignored to the point that we give up on someone or something else.” Write about that. If not here, you know my email if you want or my blog. You are a sister of the risen King and His father has great things planned for you and you need to not let Him down. Peter in his wretchedness denied Him three times and Christ still loved him and used him for His purpose. He will provide the words if you will only be still and listen. Don’t let the noise of your frustration drown out His voice. Please keep speaking.

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