Still wanting to change him.

17 Oct

You know that stereotype right?

The one where the good girl loves the bad boy and she thinks she’s gonna change him.


It could be a bad girl and a good guy,

a good guy and good girl

a bad girl and a bad guy….

or any weird variation in between and chances are…. she’s going to try to change him (or at least wish she could).

That’s looked different on me over the years. As I’ve changed, what I’ve wanted to change about him has changed.

Once he changes something, I  immediately focus on something else I am determined for him to change.

I’ve backed off a lot you know.  If you’ve read this blog for any amount of time, you know I’ve been learning, growing and working hard on unconditional respect.

I’m gaining ground.  Even though some days, I’m sure he’d tell you I’m not doing so hot.

But I’m still stuck on wishing I could change him to be just like me.

Instead of being thankful for the complementary relationship we have as man and woman, I can grow frustrated, jealous or annoyed with the difference between the genders.

Instead of being challenged and focused on learning to speak his love language fluently, I’m discouraged and lonely wishing I was married to someone who could easily and naturally speak my love languages and appreciated the ways I love so easily.

Instead of being appreciate of introverts, I’m tempted to think that extroverts are right and introverts are wrong.

Instead of being patient with how God is choosing to work in his life and focused on my own sins and struggles, I can get wrapped up in secretly trying to help the Holy Spirit do His job for Him.

At the end of the day, even if I don’t say it out loud, I am still secretly wanting him to change…. just because I’m still learning to die to myself.

Practical Application:

Sometimes you just have to be honest with yourself.

Not so you can excuse your behavior, but so you can confess it, see it for what it is, and stop ignoring your own sin.


10 Responses to “Still wanting to change him.”

  1. sophia208 October 18, 2014 at 11:35 am #

    Timely post again!!! I felt God say to me this weekend just give thanks for my husband – for what he does , what he says , who he is … . I often slip in a request or two when I do give thanks but this weekend just to say thank you . That’s it ! Thank you God for how far we both come and for where we are right now.

    Thanks Kayla – really blessed with your posts!

    • Kayla Gulick October 18, 2014 at 1:05 pm #

      That’s really hard to do sometimes, just give thanks. We’re brainwashed from an early age, coupled with our own sinful nature to look at the all the ways to get everything we want and be in control of everything. Giving thanks requires us to just be glad with what we have and trust God’s control. It’s tough.

      I’m thankful for your comment! It always blesses my heart to know others are growing with me!!

  2. Elisha October 18, 2014 at 12:02 pm #

    Great post!

  3. M October 20, 2014 at 4:36 pm #

    It’s so easy to want, and expect, our husbands to behave the way we would. We’re understanding about his mistakes, so why isn’t he just as understanding about ours? We make sure to hop up and greet him as soon as he enters the room, so why doesn’t he do that for us? Why isn’t he following our example?!

    Yeah. It’s not pretty. But, praise God, He is revealing this tendency more and more so that we can work harder every day to love and appreciate our men for who THEY are, rather than appreciating ourselves… 🙂

    • Kayla Gulick October 20, 2014 at 5:27 pm #

      I’d make a good spouse to myself 😉 haha.

  4. howsyourlovelife October 21, 2014 at 10:47 am #

    Normal, normal, normal! You just happen to be very honest about it!

    • Kayla Gulick October 21, 2014 at 11:01 am #

      Whew. I mean, I wouldn’t want to be abnormal in ANY way. The people-pleaser in me would FREAK OUT!!! 🙂

  5. Zaylee February 4, 2015 at 11:40 am #

    If we are to be understanding of our husbands when they make mistakes, then The husbands, must indeed reciprocate and be understanding of their wives. Husbands aremere mortals, only human males. There is only one God. let us not treat husbands higher than a human male. My Father in Heaven, God, holds husbands responsible for their own sins. So men need do the right thing. A husband must honor and love his wife and not lead with a selfish, harsh, dominant attitude. Women do not get married to give up their honor, their dreams, and their opinion What wife wants a mean, cruel, ugly attitude leader husband like that?

    I forgive my hubby for all that he does wrong. Sometimes I have to remind him to reciprocate, I think that might be attributed to the fact that there are so many articles and books and wife websites, that have been written to tell the wives to do all the relationship work, while we excuse men and allow them to be mean and bossy and selfish with their wives. I obey God, not humans. I follow laws of authority unless they tell me to sin againtst God. I dont hurt others. I am valuable and have my own opinion. I did not stop having desires and dreams and visions when I married. My husband will repect and honor me and lead as a godly man, not ignore me as a valuable human. If that is the case a woman should not marry a man.

    Men, see these articles that suggest women coddle and exalt them just because God gave them the leadership role and as a result, this sometimes suggests to men that they don’t need to do anything for their wives. We women, ruin men and we do a grave injustice to ourselves by writing so much about what the ife should do. There is more to a marriage than repect, there is love, friendship, laughter, desire. Everything is not about the husband. Talk about how we should love others and give to others. So now, can we forget about the trees and see the whole forest.
    When God comes to judge us, he will judge our husbands too.

    • Kayla Gulick February 4, 2015 at 11:52 am #

      Yes, I agree. Our husbands will be judged. But we won’t be answering for them. We’ll be answering for our own judgment which is why it is crucial that we don’t concern ourselves with making a list of things they should do that we won’t be answering for just for the sake of empty equality.

      I write this blog as a woman to women. This isn’t a male blog. They aren’t coming here for advice, counsel or accountability. And even if they were, God’s word makes it clear I have no authority to be teaching them.

      Yes, 100 times over men have a LOT of responsibility in marriage as the husband. It’s truly an immeasurable amount and they will be held accountable for how they love, lead, provide and protect their families.

      My blog isn’t about dismissing the call on men to be godly men. It is solely about the call of women to be godly wives….no matter what their husband is or isn’t doing. Just as we won’t answer for their sins…we won’t be forgiven ours on the premise of saying “well husband’s should be doing this or that”. Even if a husband is less than ideal (as long as he isn’t being abusive in ANY fashion) we’re still called to unconditional respect. And that’s the point. There are no free passes given on this blog. Only the responsibility to do what God calls us as wives to do because we truly love, honor and cherish our God and desire to follow His commands to us no matter what.

      I hope that helps clear up who I’m writing to with these posts 🙂

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