Unmet needs

20 Jan

Ideally in marriage, husband and wife learn to speak each others love language fluently, and meet each others godly needs and even preferred needs (provided they aren’t sinful acts.)

Marriage can be a beautiful song, with four-part harmony, keyboard, drums, bass, acoustic & electric guitars, brass and wood wind instruments, etc.

Most of the time, a marriage can still function and even be beautiful if one of those things or many are missing.  But for the person who loves  a specific instrument and it’s missing, they will notice – even if no one else does.

It can take a really long time to learn how to become fluent in marriage.  Aside from the world distorting so much of God’s view for marriage, and Satan waging war against us, we naturally have so much to learn about the opposite gender and differing personalities and needs.

That stuff just doesn’t come natural or easy – and marriage takes a lot of work to be magnificent.

So what happens when you have a deep need and your husband (or wife) isn’t meeting that need?

It’s time to access the need and how it can or cannot be filled.

There are needs that are OK to fulfill (hopefully temporarily and not permanently) outside of marriage.

At NO TIME should you be seeking to fulfill your needs of ANY kind with ANYONE from the opposite sex.  THAT IS DANGEROUS and not to be flirted with for ANY REASON!!!

If however you are someone who is out-going and enjoys company and your spouse is not, it is ok to plan a monthly girls night out while he stays home to recharge at home.   That is an alternate way to fulfill a longing for community and company without building resentment for being home.

Yes, you could choose to be angry that he isn’t coming along and make it about him, but that isn’t the goal here.  You have to enter this situation with the heart to ease your own needs without looking for ways to build resentment.

If you desire to pray with your spouse and they simply don’t want to, you can find another prayer partner. No, this isn’t ideal and prayer within marriage meets a spiritual need necessary for the marriage to be fully complete; joining another person in prayer, especially to pray deeply over your spouse is a good alternative.  Imagine having a girl friend to pray deeply with and not just sit and gossip with?

There are multiple ministries out there or you could even start your own at your church where you can join a group that actively speaks your love language. Is your love language Gifts? Join a one year secret prayer partner group where you send each other a monthly gift and card. Words of affirmation? There are weekly email groups where you send each other scripture and encouraging words. You can grow in a deep friendship so they are even more personalized and not just generic. Quality time?  Pick a group that weekly or monthly does a hobby or craft you enjoy. Acts of Service? I recently heard of a group of ladies who each take a week to make 4 crockpot meals and take supper to their three friends on a certain night of the week, then the next week it is another persons turn. That way three times each month, someone else serves you dinner and you also get the opportunity to serve each month as well. Touch? This one is tricky because it typically cannot and shouldn’t be fulfilled outside of marriage. There are some people who would enjoy a massage or a  pedicure, however, if it is going to cause sexual temptations or problems – then do not even attempt this.  The best advice is to pick your second love language and fulfill that as best you can while you actively take that first need to God deeply in prayer.

These ideas will obviously not fulfill everyone, but they are good places to start or good ideas to build on. Fulfilling needs outside of marriage is not the ideal, but it is OK to keep your love tank from being bone dry.  When we feel suffocated, we often react in sin and without love. Sometimes taking care of ourselves is truly the best way to love others. Including our spouse.  All with  constant prayer and the end goal in mind that we will fluently and richly be completing our song with a full orchestra and nothing lacking as we grow together and grow in the Lord in our marriages.

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5 Responses to “Unmet needs”

  1. blesseddaughterofaking January 21, 2015 at 7:24 pm #

    Hi Kayla! These are really good tips. I didn’t know there were groups like the ones you described.

    I also wanted to share something I read recently (I think on FB or Twitter). It said something like – There is only one love language: Die to Self.

    I really liked that. But of course, it’s a lot easier said than done!

    Hugs! 🙂

    • Kayla Gulick January 21, 2015 at 8:01 pm #

      Dying to self is like kryptonite isn’t it? Lol. We just keep working on winning small battles at a time 🙂

  2. Anonymous July 11, 2015 at 1:40 pm #

    Just checking to see if you’re ever going to write again? I love your writing so much–it really speaks to me–and would love to see more of it! 🙂

    • Kayla Gulick July 12, 2015 at 7:54 am #

      Thank you. Actually…. I’m hoping to post this week! Thanks for stopping by!

      • Anonymous July 12, 2015 at 9:27 am #

        That’s awesome! I look forward to it!

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