Lying to myself

15 Jan

Here is one of the closing paragraphs from my last post.

“I want my kids to feel loved because Mom is accessible to them. Anytime.  Because they are more important than anything else I’ll leave behind in this world. They are my treasure.”

The truth is, that’s a lie. BUT! I actually WANT it to be the truth.  That’s why it’s easy to lie to myself about it and even claim it IS true, when it really isn’t…. yet.

How do I know this isn’t true?

Because of this:

Actions

actions 2

I can tell myself and my kids I love them.  But my selfish actions prove that the truth is, I love ME.

When they ask something of me, I don’t first think of them.  I don’t ask questions like

“What would this mean to them?”

“How much are they desperate for my attention?”

“What would this convey to them if I help?”

“What love language are they begging to hear and feel?”

“How much courage did it take to ask me?” (Especially knowing they would likely be told no or wait.)

“How empty do they feel to be ignored?”

“What message are they really trying to convey by the way they’re acting?”

Nope… those are rarely ever my first thoughts.

My thoughts are this:

“I don’t want to do that.”

“That sounds miserable.”

“Why can’t they just do it themselves?”

“I want to do “this” instead.”

“Why can’t anyone serve me?”

“This is so annoying.”

“It’s too hot outside.”

“It’s too cold outside.”

“How about you ask your brother/sister to do it instead?”

“That’s uncomfortable for me to do.”

“I don’t want to learn to do that, it doesn’t interest me at all.”

 

THAT! That proves who I really love.  I LOVE ME.  My treasure is ME! I care about MY feelings.  I care about what it costs ME.  I care about what is requires of ME.  I want to make sure I’M happy first.  I want to be sure I don’t have to be inconvenienced.

Sometimes it breaks my heart that my kids were stuck with me, not blessed with me.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t fail every time. But I’m very much aware that my words mean nothing without action.  My true treasure, even though I’ve said otherwise and honestly WANTED otherwise, has really always been ME.

Practical Application:

I’m meditating still on what actions need to fully change so I can adjust where my treasure actually rests, and make the truth line up with what I strongly desire it to be.

I’m beginning to pause and hush my own screaming emotions to actually think about my kids’ feelings, emotions and desires first.

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2 Responses to “Lying to myself”

  1. Shweta May 9, 2016 at 5:56 am #

    You honest expression of how you think and feel has touched me deeply. Even though I dont have kids( yet), I can relate to every single word you have written here. Reading your post made me feel a little less alone.Thank you so much

    • Kayla Gulick May 9, 2016 at 1:07 pm #

      Thank you for sharing that! I’m so glad God was able to speak to your heart. And honestly, this was wonderful for me to go back and read today myself so perfect timing for me too!!

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