Tag Archives: anxiety

What if ?

21 Apr

Some feelings just can’t be predicted.  I mean, you can have a guess – and your guess may be right; but still sometimes you just have to experience something to really know how you’d feel.

Sometimes I play this “game” with Josh and I say “what if….” and he tries to answer.  No, this is not his favorite game.  But he likes to humor me.  That is, until I ask a question that he can’t get his mind all the way around to answer.  The kind of question where you really and truly just can’t answer until you “have to” because as much as you want to say what you think you’d do, you also doubt in your right mind that you’d really do it.

Questions like, “If the doctor comes out and tells you that you can only save me or the baby, what would you do?”

And yes, I really did ask that question toward the end of the pregnancies of all four of our children.  I wanted to hear his heart on the matter and I wanted him to hear mine.

What’s funny is when you are totally sure without a doubt you can give a rapid fire answer because it’s an easy question and you are positive you know what you’d say, how you’d feel, and what you’d do – and then you shock yourself when the situation happens and you don’t do what you thought you would.

Like when my best friend asked me over a year ago how I’d feel if we ever moved.

I didn’t hesitate to say immediately – “Overjoyed. Ecstatic. Thrilled. Elated.”

She said, “Would you be sad?” I immediately said “No. I mean, we have great memories here, but this house has been such a source of frustration with its size and lack of storage that I’ll be so relieved to get out of here.”

Fast forward to today (which NO ONE would have or could have predicted would be happening) we’ve got boxes EVERYWHERE! We’re moving on Friday.  That’s in 5 days! (Which take note, I probably won’t be posting much this week or next week.  Bare with me!!)

And my emotions are out of control.

I am Overjoyed. Ecstatic. Thrilled. Elated.

I’m also experiencing a great deal of anxieties!  We are going to live on the corner of two really busy roads.  And my kids aren’t use to that.  ESPECIALLY my little two.  And my daughter is at that really fun stage where you call her name to come back to you, and she takes off running faster because she thinks it’s a fun game.

And – we’re going to have a pond.  Totally cool.  Totally TERRIFYING!!!

I’m also experiencing frustration.  The whole loan process, extra surprise expenses, deposits and installation fees are all really getting on my nerves and threatening to steal my joy.

And to my surprise – I am sad.  There are some really fun things we do on our property that have been really special to all of us.  And now they’ll be gone.

We’ll replace those things with new and awesome things – but they will be new things, they will no longer be the same things we’ve come to love.

Practical Application –

Keep playing the “what if” game.  It’s fun.  And it helps you get to know each other.  It really does.

Don’t hold yourself or anyone else to the “what if” game – because there is never a “what if” that won’t be affected by the reality of the situation if it should ever come to pass.

“You never know what you’d do or how strong you are, until you have to walk a road you never knew you would or believed you could.”

It’s too exposed?

18 Apr

For all of you that have been following my blog for the last year, you know that I am NOT secretive.  I just don’t do life in private.  I don’t see how we can grow that way.  It allows for Satan to devour us when we hide our sins and struggles, as well as keeps us feeling like we’re the only ones, and no one else relates.  Honestly. we hurt other people by not sharing just as much as we hurt ourselves.

Be careful not to read that as an extreme remark.  I’d never recommend typing your deepest struggle as your Facebook status update.  But be it your family, friends, church, small group, accountability partner, study group… at least someone should know you intimately.  And, many people should know most things about you.  Your power and testimony are in your trials and victories!

That being said… I am seriously, I mean BIG TIME struggling with this whole moving thing.

I could sit here and type out a list of my most private sins…. and it’d feel less painful to me than thinking about letting people help us move.

It’s too personal.  Private.  Intimidating. Stressful. Humiliating.  Proud.  Embarrassing.  Judgmental. Exposed.

Yeah.  That sounds about right.  It’s a little of all of that.

I’m NOT a materialistic person.  The fact that we aren’t millionaires helps keep all spending under control in this house… but truth be told, we wouldn’t spend much on “things” even if we had it.  I’m always going to buy the item that is the quality I need, for the least price I can find it.  Even if I freely have $200 to spend.  I will look diligently to see if I can find the item for $150 just because, I HATE spending money on “things.”

We just don’t have nice or fancy things.  And I’m fine with that.  If we wanted them, we’d find a way to have them.  That’s how it goes right?  You find a way to spend money on the things that are important to you?

And even though I could care less what my couch looks like, and if you came to my house, I wouldn’t be in the bathroom crying because you laid eyes on it or sat on it…. but to have you come help me MOVE it?  Ummm… that’s where the anxiety comes into play.

A cushion might fall off, and you’d see the exposed springs, and then you’d feel sorry for me, or I’d feel like you felt sorry for me, and then it’s awkward.

We have 4 dressers in the kids room.  We bought two brand new white ones about a year ago.  Shortly after they had them… they wrote with crayon all over them.  I’ve tried everything…. the stupid crayon isn’t coming off.

I just don’t care to have all these people from our new church carrying our color-crayoned dressers to and from a truck,  wondering why I’m not working to help my husband pay for life.

Do I want the help moving, YES!  Do I want the exposure, NO!

I’m not sure which feeling will win out here.  But it’s just where I am today.  And I have 9 days to get it figured out.

Practical Application –

I don’t know why moving is more vulnerable than telling you my sins…. but it is.  And when I get that figured out and what to do about it… well, I’ll come back and fill this in then.