Tag Archives: doubt

I’m just unsure.

18 Mar

I’m struggling this morning with how to word this post in a way that captures what’s happened in my heart over the weekend.

For about six weeks, my husband and I have been making plans and having conversations that all point us in a certain direction.  While a number of the details have been left to be determined, the main direction the road is leading seems obvious at least.  And this direction felt like it was given to us by the Lord.

And then this weekend happened.  Now, when some of the things are actually happening to start us “moving” in that direction and not just talking about it, all the sudden, it doesn’t feel like our feet are walking on solid ground anymore.

My gut instinct is to say ….. “and Satan enters the scene.”  Because I think that’s typical.  Whenever we are called by God to do anything and we accept that calling without giving way to fear or reservation, it’s going to bring about trials, temptations, and possibly persecution.

But, and maybe NOT always, Satan is usually easy to detect because He lies.  When you start to hold those doubts that come flooding in with his attacks against scripture, they don’t merit any weight.

For example:  “You’re not good enough”  “You’re not educated enough”  “You don’t make enough money” “No one is supporting you”

All that can be cut down by the truth of scripture.

I’m stuck trying to figure out if Satan just showed up in a more crafty way in our lives this week, if I’m not recognizing his lies, or if God is holding up the warning signs saying “Wrong way!”

This is a really big week for us.  We potentially will be making LIFE CHANGING decisions and our hands are tied with what choices are available to us.  All of them feel like a compromise.

Likely, I’m just an emotional woman.  I can get all spun up over nothing.  But I know I’m not out to lunch when I hear these words from my husband last night “I’m just not sure of anything right now.”

That’s tough when today might require some answers that are permanent answers.

Practical Application –

What is there left to pray but Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

I have no idea how things are going to work out this week.  All I know is that I love the Lord, I want to serve Him, and I want what He wants for our lives beyond what I think I might want.

That might seem impractical, after all, that still doesn’t specifically TELL me the answers.  No it doesn’t.  But it reminds me that the options available to us are what they are, but God is sovereign and He sees beyond what seems like a lose/lose to us – and in the process of making our paths straight, He will turn this into a win/win.

 

 

It doesn’t seem to fit….

1 Mar

I despise having to make BIG decisions that require faith.

It’s not because it requires me to trust God.  It’s because it requires me to trust myself that I’ve actually heard from God.

If I heard God say, jump off a cliff and I’ll catch you…. I could do it.  I have a very active faith when I’m sure that I’ve heard from the Lord.

The problem is, I’ll sit at the top of the cliff for about 3 years asking myself “Did I really hear from the Lord, or is this something *I* want, and I’m just able to put a really Godly spin on it?”

There are few times in life that I can’t make a pretty strong godly argument.  Heck, for years I justified my sin to the point where I fooled myself into believing it didn’t matter much.  Sad.  But true.

What’s even MORE of a twist in this whole mess of “are you really speaking Lord” is that when I’m sinning or asking God to reveal sin… He yells at me with a BULLHORN!  I never miss that guilty conviction that pounds my heart out of my chest when I need to repent or apologize.  So it isn’t like I don’t know the Lord’s voice.

I was given a word yesterday from a lady in our church.  She has an incredible gift to receive dreams, verses, and encouragement for people.  It’s quite amazing.  I heard a word she gave to a friend of mine once and it was so spot on, we both got teary eyed and praised God.

However, this word for me.  Though I want it to fit desperately because I want a word from the Lord… I can’t seem to get it to fit.  I feel like I’m trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

She said, there is a question in me… “Can I have more, am I worthy?”

Here is a snip from an email I sent my best friend this morning….

” I don’t struggle with not feeling worthy.  To be honest, I struggle more with feeling like we ARE worthy, but God still might say no. All I mean by that is to say, we’re living for Him, we’re giving to the Kingdom, we’re trying to get closer to a church and a community where we feel called to serve….so I’m positive we aren’t just asking for something selfish, or to have bigger, better, best.

My battle is whether or not to ask God to do something that I’m already certain He’s not going to do.  Partly because I feel like, God doesn’t remove consequences of sin.  He never does.  He forgives.  But if He removed consequences, we’d be more likely to repeat those sins.  So, just because we out grew our house, that doesn’t mean He’s going to automatically move us now.  We bought this house without Him, and now we’re paying the consequences.
Also, I don’t know that this is even necessary for God to perform a miracle.  It isn’t that I don’t feel “worthy” of one.  It’s that, I’m not 100% positive HE is calling us to move (even though WE want to and can put all sorts of Godly spins on why we should) so if it isn’t fulfilling His purpose, He isn’t going to perform a miracle for it to happen – no matter how much I take the advice of people and just start speaking it over us and have faith that He will.

I know we CAN have more.  The problem is… Does God WANT us to have more?  He has children He loves deeply living in prisons on the other side of the world being tortured for their faith.  And I’m suppose to believe because I’m worthy and can have more that I’m going to get a 3 or 4 bedroom house in a town I want to live in and my house is going to sell?”

___

I’m just being real, raw and honest here.  I REALLY struggle with speaking things over my life that I *want* and proclaiming things to be as if they already are, because it leaves me with a HUGE pile of disappointment, frustration, and self-pity when God doesn’t fulfill my proclamations in His name.

If HE is calling it to be, I can speak it, and it will be.  If I am calling it to be, I can speak it, and that’s as far as it is going to go.

I really don’t like writing posts that I don’t have ai Practical Application for… but today it is what it is.

Someone in my Small Group said the other day “Maybe you don’t trust that you’re close enough or know God well enough to hear his voice.”  Maybe I don’t.