Tag Archives: intimacy

You will???!!

1 Apr

For those of you that aren’t aware, we bought a new house almost a year ago after living in a 968 sq ft two bedroom home for ten years.  With the crash of the economy, we were stuck. The value of our home dropped at least $25,000 and there was no possible way for us to sell and buy another place.  So, even though we tried and prayed for a miracle for six years, we never moved.

We had all four kids sharing one bedroom (3 boys and a girl) and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit still today that it was really, really hard at times.

I have never been one to ever need extravagant or flashy…. but there was literally no where for any of us to go to get a little space.  Besides the clutter of fitting us all in there, we hardly let the kids have many toys because there just wasn’t any room.  It felt like we were constantly throwing anything away that we could to make it feel less claustrophobic in the house.

In that ten years, we painted the inside of the house numerous times in an attempt to keep it fresh while trying to sell, and just to change the scenery so it didn’t always feel so overwhelming.

I always did all the painting.  My husband isn’t a fan of painting, so it was never any interest of his to help in that area.

I don’t want to get off topic here, so I’ll just say this in a small paragraph or two, but we were always trying to move in a desperate attempt to ease *my* frustrations.  My husband wasn’t nearly as overwhelmed by the crowded quarters as I was.  We had a beautiful six acre piece of property (which he REALLY loved) and he worked and coached and wasn’t home really all that often.  I, however, haven’t worked in the last six years and felt like I was at our home 95% of my life.  I rarely left.  And I often felt suffocated.  It was a really long season of learning to be content in the Lord.

I use to bounce back and forth between praying God would provide some relief, and then immense guilt thinking about third world countries where ten people live in a 100 sq ft mud shack with no running water and I had the audacity to ask God’s help in my situation?!

Once I relinquished the control of our family to my husband, it was about six months later and my husband was ready to try to sell our house after two years of just accepting the situation.  I was surprised because nothing about the challenge had changed.  However, we got a land contract offer 30 days after it was on the market, and we moved 30 days after that.  The land contract provided us with all the factors we needed with the bank and auditor to be able to move.  The story still amazes me.

ANYWAY!! Back to my point here…..

When we moved into our new house, I did a LOT of painting!  I did most of it while my husband was at work so it didn’t take away from our time together; however, occasionally I worked on parts in the evening hours.  My husband would chat with me while I was painting but never picked up a brush or roller to help.

On Saturday, while lying in bed at 7:00 AM, we were discussing what we were going to do.  I said “I’d really like to go buy a gallon of paint and get our bedroom painted since I finally got our curtains made.”

He said “I’d like to rearrange the bedroom and make it so these cords aren’t everywhere and turn the bed and get rid of this head-board.”

In my mind I was questioning turning the bed and getting rid of the head-board, but I thought it was worth giving it a try since he wanted to do it.

So I said, “You wouldn’t want to help me paint would you?”  Fully expecting him to say, “eh, not so much. But I’ll rearrange once it’s painted.”

Instead he said, “Ok. Yeah, I will.”

“WHAT???!!! YOU WILL???!!!”

I thought my heart might pound out of my chest.  “Ok. Great!”

So I ran to the store to get the paint and he started pulling stuff out of the bedroom.  The room was a dining room that we turned into our bedroom.  In our hurry up to move in, we just kind of shoved everything in the room.  It wasn’t real appealing to the eye, but it worked.

We spent the whole day painting together, fixing the outlets, and rearranging the room.

It was the best day!

And to my surprise, my husband was SO right! The room looked SO much better with the bed turned and no headboard.  The room looked bigger and gave us more space.  I’m so glad I listened to him instead of shutting down his idea because I doubted it would work.

Bedroom 001

As we went to bed, I thanked him for everything and told him what an amazing day it was with him!

I spent Monday reflecting.

WHO IS THIS COUPLE???!!!!

We’ve changed so much, I barely recognize us.

I’m not really sure why he painted with me.  I haven’t worked up the courage to ask yet… maybe in fear that I’ll jinx us 🙂

Practical Application:

Step back for the next twenty-four hours and look for the changes.

Sometimes this journey is hard and long, and we can become so discouraged that everything isn’t perfect that we miss and don’t give enough credit to the things that have changed.

What things has your husband done /said / bought / helped with / ANYTHING that has shown growth in your unconditional respect/love journey?

Did you stop and really thank or praise him?  If not – be sure to do it!!

** I’d love to hear any stories if any of you want to share something that has happened that surprised and blessed you!

 

He looks identical to Christ.

23 Mar

Nineteen months ago, I saw myself in my marriage in a new light.  I saw how I was disrespecting my husband, how I was full of pride, how I had unrealistic expectations, how many idols I was obsessed with serving, how unforgiving and resentful I was, and how much better I thought I was than the man I married… all while thinking I was a better Christian than he was too.

It was humbling.  I shed some tears. I apologized to my husband.  And I spent a good solid month doing nothing but studying my behaviors, and setting up ways to break all these terrible habits.

It’s a life long process, I didn’t conquer anything in a month, I’m still learning and changing every single day.

I thought at that time, I saw my marriage for what it was.

I was wrong.

Thursday night, my husband and I had a long talk about who I once was and what I did in and to our marriage over the course of that first 10 years. We had already done this two years ago so this wasn’t some shocking or earth shaking conversation.

And yet, I broke.

I spent almost all of the next 24 hours sobbing uncontrollably or secretly fighting and wiping tears in front of my kids.  I’ve never cried that much before in one day, ever.

All the sudden, through some deep reflection and conversation, I saw everything differently than I ever really had before.

I was a horrible wife.  HORRIBLE.

I must have hurt my husband in ways he couldn’t even describe if he wanted to try.  I put other things above him, I have lied to him, I have belittled him publicly, I have put expectations on him that no person could live up to, I have reacted in haste and wrath to his mistakes with intensely hurtful remarks and shame, I have dabbled in the game of an emotional affair, I have carried around a list of his wrongs and dwelled on them bitterly, I have had conversations in my mind premeditating how to hurt him when I felt hurt instead of offering mercy and forgiveness….

I was wretched.  To me, completely unforgivable.  I have no idea why he stayed married to me.  I wouldn’t have stayed married to me.

I have never fallen apart like I did on Friday.  While I kept desperately trying to speak truth to myself, and let my husband and my best friend speak truth to me… I could not accept it.

I didn’t want his forgiveness.  I didn’t want his grace or mercy.  I didn’t want his unconditional love.

I wanted him to get mad at me.  I wanted him to yell and cuss and tell me how awful I was and how much I’d hurt him.  I wanted him to treat me how I deserved to be treated.

Every time I presented a reason to him why he should hate me, he offered back a loving gesture… and I got so angry at him.  Angry because I felt like he was being so stupid. I thought, you deserve better you idiot. There is no forgiving what I’ve done!!

Who loves someone like that?  Who forgives someone so completely?  Who looks at someone and says “That’s all in the past.  You’re not that person anymore.  I love you more now than I ever have.  You’re my girl.” after everything I put him through?

I know he’s sinned against me.  He isn’t perfect.  But for the first time, his sins seemed like no big deal.  And my sins seemed catastrophic.

I kept trying to compare our mistakes and his were minor and mine were major. I have always seen this the other way around.  Even after I started to understand unconditional respect and how big my sins were, I didn’t see his sins as minor. I felt like we were more even-keeled.

I know people say, a sin is a sin is a sin.  But I don’t agree with that.

Yes, a sin is a sin in the regard that all sin separates us from God.  But I believe there is a difference between sins and I think Paul makes that point in Scripture too. (For another post if an explanation is needed here.) We can be quickly tempted and make a wrong choice, or we can willfully make premeditated sinful and or even habitual decisions on purpose and I don’t think that’s the same thing either.

While I sat there sobbing to the point I could barely breathe, I kept reflecting on the purpose of marriage.

My husband had never seemed more like Christ, ever.

I represented the church – sinful: proud, lost in idolatry, unforgiving, lustful, bitter and self-pleasing.

And he stood before me as Christ – LOVE: unconditionally holding me in the palm of his hand, merciful, gracious, forgiving every sin fully/completely as far as the east is from the west.

My husband knew I was broken.  Somehow, he knew it was bad.  That I wasn’t how I’d ever been before.

Because Thursday night started this down-ward spiral, he text me during the day to check on me.  I was mad he text me.  I hurt him, why would he want to see if I was OK?

I bounced back and forth between feeling like he was literally Jesus in the flesh… loving me and giving me what I could never afford and ….not wanting to talk to him at all because how dare I cry and be the one hurt when I’m the one who did the hurting?  I was NOT interested in playing the victim or martyr in this situation.  And I knew if I opened my mouth, it would spur that “I’ll make this better for you” instinct that all men have… and I didn’t want better.  I wanted what I deserved.

He walked in the door from work, locked us in our bedroom, turned our wedding song on his phone, and made me dance with him. I didn’t want to at all.  I tried to resist him and beg him to just give me some space for a while.  But he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I melted in his arms. I forgot how perfect the words of our wedding song were… especially today more than ever before.

Through gut-wrenching sobs and blurred vision, I expressed what was happening in my heart and mind – and he remained the perfect picture of love and forgiveness.

I wasn’t all better after that 45 minute unraveling in his arms.  But, I was on the road to facing this new reality.  I was either going to end up bitter or better.

I think I needed to be broken in this way.  It changed me.  In a way I’ll never be the same again.  Of course I’ll still sin against my husband – I will never be perfect.  But, it gave me a perspective on marriage I needed to literally feel to fully understand.

My husband decided we were one, and that means, we are one.  When I’m broken, he’s broken.  When I’m sinful, he’s forgiving.  In my weakness, his love in and through me makes me strong again.

He’s going to sin against me.  It probably won’t be too many days from now when it happens. I’ll be different.  I might be hurt.  We might need to talk about it.  But I will never stand myself on a throne again after seeing our marriage and who I was and what I truly had to be forgiven of in the light I saw it on Friday.

Practical Application:

I’d never accuse anyone of being as horrible of a wife as I was…. but have you truly seen your sin, as SIN, and not as justifiable mistakes?

Do you know what it cost to send Jesus to the cross?

Do you  know what your husband has had to forgive you of to love you like Christ loves the church…. even when you don’t deserve it?  Even when you’re rebelling?  Even when you’re selfish? Even when you’re serving idols?  Even when you’ve created an existence of unrealistic expectations? Even when your hormones get to control your mood?  Even when you’ve given your heart to things in priority above him? Maybe even someone else (another man, a friend, the kids?) Even when you’re wagging your finger at him because he doesn’t behave how he’s suppose to in your book?

The cross looks different again to me this Easter.  I see my husband on it.  Laying down his life for mine. Taking on my sin and saying it’s no more.  Telling me I am new.  And I am eternally loved. And it’s too overwhelming for words.

 

 

An emotional affair

21 Mar

Today, I’m sharing a post by a blogger who wishes to remain anonymous for the sake of her husband.  I can TOTALLY respect that, especially given the subject matter.

Before I share, let me first say that I believe more women have emotional affairs than even know that they have.  For many of us, we see the word “affair” and assume, it was OBVIOUS.  I mean, a physical affair is obvious right?  There is no “hmmm, I wonder if we accidentally just slept together and if that means we did something we shouldn’t have?”  Emotional affairs aren’t always shining in the spotlight, but the damage is equally terrible!

~~~~~

I don’t know what to do with my story other than to share it.  I hate it, and yet, I want others to learn from it.  To see themselves in the mess, and to prevent emotional affairs from gaining the hearts of women everywhere!

I grew up in a home where girls were encouraged to get a good education and be the best they could be in life.  Along with that, I don’t remember any warnings or teachings to unconditionally respect your husband, lead your heart, or protect your marriage from predators.  I carried that “I’m smart and driven” attitude in life right with me into my marriage.

I felt like my wisdom was always better than my husbands.  He seemed to sin often and in worse ways than I did, I seemed to be the only one who could make the house run (I remember thinking often that if I died, he would die or have to hire a maid because he was incapable of doing anything) and I felt like the decisions he wanted to make were childish or lacking long-term thought.

He didn’t have the same priorities as I did, nor did he seem to value everything I was capable of doing.  He seemed to “expect it.”

I was a shining tower of disrespect.  I had pride wrapped around me and intertwined in everything I did in my marriage.  I felt like at one point I messed up so bad by marrying this man because he didn’t live up to my standards.  He wasn’t perfect.  And I started resenting so many things about him.

I wasn’t even sure I loved him.  Or if I ever did for that matter.

I could only see his faults.

While my marriage seemed to be unraveling (well in my mind at least, I don’t think my husband knew I felt this way at all… or the rest of the world either) I started to be obviously upset at work.

I never had any problems being friends with guys.  Some of my best friends growing up were guys. Girls were mean and full of drama.  I saw nothing wrong with having male friends, even if you were married.

So, I started sharing intimate details about my marriage with one of my guy friends.  At first, I found this really helpful FOR my marriage.  He seemed to offer a perspective in favor of  my husband so I could see things from his point of view.  While I felt torn that I had better communication with this guy than I did my husband, I felt a little compassion for my husband by thinking some things through with some male insight.

THIS WAS THE BAIT.

As time went on, the male friend relationship started meeting SO MANY NEEDS that I wasn’t getting at home.  From compliments on my work and appreciation for what I contributed to the office to eventually reflect how pretty I was and how desirable I was as a woman.

We seemed to click emotionally – we thought the same things were funny and we laughed all the time.  Work was fun.  Home was miserable.

We seemed to click intellectually – we understood each others work problems and could help each other out equally.  At work I had a partner.  At home I had a lazy bum.

We seemed to click relationally – we had similar interests.  We could easily talk about things that would be fun to do some day, and they lined up well.  At work I had someone who thought my ideas were fun.  At home I had someone I could never agree with on anything.

I don’t remember all the specifics, because this was a long time ago, but it was a few months of casual flirting.  Phrases like “You’re seriously the best at your job.  You make it look easy.  And you’re so pretty while doing it too.”

THIS WAS THE HOOK.

There came a point when things took a more obvious turn for the worse.  Conversations written over instant messenger and text that immediately had to be deleted.

I remember staring at my computer while I read the words “I would pin you up against the car and bite your lip.”

I was telling this story to a female co-worker of ours and she said something I will never, ever forget.

I don’t know whether to root for him or your husband.

WWHHHAAATTTTT?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Bells, whistles, panic set in big time.

Up until this point, everything was so subtle, so simple, so easy, so uncomplicated.  I didn’t feel like I was having an emotional affair at all.  I felt like I had a male best friend.  I mean, don’t you talk about your marriage and spouse to your best friend?  And don’t you talk about “if only” situations?!

I wasn’t attracted to him.  Nor did I think about doing anything physical with him.  But all the sudden, he was thinking and talking physical about me…. and I felt shocked.

Uh oh.

Now what???

The battle got intense.  More intense than I feel like I can even explain.

One day I was saying things like “as much as we seem alike, you’re not even a Christian, we could never work together anyway” in an attempt to let him down easy and make the conversation stop.

And the next, I’d come in from an unpleasant night at home and feeling so much contempt for the man I was married to, that I didn’t care how it “appeared”.  I wanted to feel good about myself, and he made me feel good.  Besides, it wasn’t going to go any farther. I was dead sure of it.

THIS WAS THE LINE.

The next step was attaching that sinker to my feet and going to a place of no return.  I was on the edge of throwing away my marriage and giving into lust over the way someone made me feel.  It wasn’t even ever about the other guy being a “perfect guy”. It was always about how he made me feel.

Thank the good Lord, He stepped in and seemed to take the control out of my hands.

The guy ended up starting a relationship with someone else, and not long after, left our place of employment. And six months later, I ended up being a stay at home mom.

For a long time, I wanted to blame my husband.  He WAS neglecting his roles in the marriage.  He WASN’T walking with the Lord like he should have been.  And he WAS leaving me open to Satan.

BUT — the more I laid this sin before God, the more obvious it became to me that if I could so easily give my heart to someone else because of the way they made me feel…. I would never be married to a man who was good enough.

I was the one with the problem.

And if marriage is a direct reflection of Christ and the Church… I saw my sin of serving any god that met MY needs in the moment of heinous idolatry spewed all over every move I made.

I do think that when a husband neglects to fulfill his roles in the marriage, he’s standing at the gate allowing Satan to walk in freely.

Just as I feel that a woman who neglects her roles in marriage (ESPECIALLY disrespect, and sexual refusal) she is also standing at the gate allowing Satan to walk in freely.

However, even if our spouse neglects to protect us, we always have free will to take the bait of Satan or reject his temptations with Christ’s power.

It only takes one moment of letting your guard down to set off a string of bad choices. The more you sin, the easier it becomes. And the less you feel the guilt and warnings of the Holy Spirit to confess and repent.

~~~~~

From Kayla:

Such a big topic.  I’m so glad to be addressing this on my blog.

Practical Application:

If you found yourself in this post… and need someone to talk to- email me privately and we’ll talk.  gulickfamily@hotmail.com

If you saw your friend in this post, pray right now!  You might be thinking you want to talk to her, but you might offend her.  I rarely say this, but in this situation – take the risk of offending her! Your approach will be crucial, but if you don’t know what to say… give her the link to this post.

Whatever you do, don’t do nothing.  She needs your help! Especially if her husband doesn’t know — she needs someone to help her fight.

If only I learned this years ago….

14 Mar

It’s a common phrase isn’t it?  We’ve all said it.  We’ve all heard others say it.  And we’ve all contemplated how our life would be different if we only knew then, what we know now.

This has never been more true for me than in my marriage.

If I only learned years ago, like 12 years ago, that unconditional respect was a command in Scripture and how to speak and act in a way that was obedient to that command…. my marriage would have been SO different the first 10 years.

Maybe, I wouldn’t have felt like I married an un-romantic dud.

Maybe, I wouldn’t have treated my husband like he was my child.

Maybe, I wouldn’t have thought I was just as much the head of this family as he thought he was.

Maybe, I would have submitted with joy to his ideas instead of insisting that I was always right and so much smarter than he was.

Maybe, my husband would have listened to me more if I was more careful with his feelings.

Maybe, my husband would have talked to me more intimately if he felt safe enough to be vulnerable with me.

Maybe, we would have really been “best friends” instead of just trying to say that we were because it sounded right.

Maybe, my husband would have met more of my needs because he would have felt more fulfilled too.

Maybe, I wouldn’t have been tempted to entertain emotional attention from anyone else.

Maybe, I wouldn’t have been so jealous.

Maybe, we would have had lots and lots of hot and passionate sex.

Maybe, we would have learned to enjoy each others hobbies and looked forward to doing things together instead of him appreciating his time away to do his own thing so frequently.

Maybe, we would have served each other selflessly instead of expecting our feelings to trump the others.

Maybe, my husband would have helped me more around the house because he wanted to instead of digging his heals in and ignoring me.

Maybe —- this list could really just go on forever and ever and ever.

This isn’t just the case with my marriage.  I feel this way about a lot of things in my life.  I’d love a time travel machine to do it all over again.

But.

I don’t think entertaining “if I’d only learned this years ago” is where Jesus wants us to camp out with our thoughts.

I certainly won’t take credit for this phrase because I didn’t come up with it… but it’s incredibly true.

Everything we face will either make us BITTER or BETTER.

We can wrestle with the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s in our mind and maybe we don’t feel like at the end of the day we feel “bitter” about it.  We just feel like it would have been such a different life if we’d only known.

Bitter does seem like a strong word when reflecting, however, what if it isn’t as strong as it sounds?  What if, it really does trap us with negative memories when we reflect like that.

Secretly, do we kinda resent some of those situations still? Do we still feel like it was a negative time in our life?

I know that even though I love my husband beyond belief and have totally forgiven him and been forgiven by him for the mistakes we made in the beginning of our marriage— if I sit and really think back on some situations that were really hard in our marriage, I can start to feel hurt again.

There is one memory in particular of a time when I felt devastated.  And this one really bothers me because I didn’t feel like I “deserved” it.

You know what I’m talking about…. there are memories where you can see why he said something mean because you said something mean first.

This wasn’t like that.

In fact, we’ve talked about it numerous times over the years and he has even said the phrase “if that happened today, I would NEVER do it like that again.”

I know he wouldn’t.  And yet, if I dwell on that memory for ANY amount of time, the hurt tries to push back in.

Christianity is all about being intentional.

We don’t “accept Christ” accidentally.  We don’t just miraculously grow closer to Him just by being alive.  We don’t stumble over an open Bible and learn.

And we don’t become BETTER without being intentional either.

What if…. it was a good thing that we didn’t have marriage all figured out before?

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m about to say.  I don’t think we should keep engaged couple uneducated so they can live the wrong way for a long time because that’s better for them.  Of course that is not better at all!!!  We’re crazy if we keep this knowledge to ourselves and do nothing with it to benefit other believers!!!!

But – God wastes ABSOLUTELY nothing when it comes to our lives and experiences.

Walking through failure, especially in marriage, gives us an irreplaceable way to learn patience, forgiveness, mercy, grace and self-control.

Not only does this further our understanding of what Jesus has given us, but it grows our characters in a way to advance the gospel that can be some of the most powerful testimonies ever!

Of course if we never sinned in our marriages, we’d be an awesome example of getting it right and that God’s way is perfect and beautiful.

But getting it wrong gives us the chance to be BETTER and reach couples just like us who also got it wrong and need the truth.

Practical Application:

If only I learned this years ago….. I wouldn’t know forgiveness like I do today.

If only I learned this years ago…. I wouldn’t be able to relate to wives out there who have blown it big time just like me.

If only I learned this years ago…. I wouldn’t be nearly as aware of just what it took for Jesus to take all my sin to the cross.

Of course, getting it right in the first place is best.  But getting it wrong can lead us to a beautiful place of BETTER.

You want me to WHAT?!

1 Mar

I’m going to write a couple posts addressing a few comments to my sex series that came publicly and through private email.

Today’s topic – How do I handle it when he asks me to do something new that I’m not thrilled about?

This question is pretty heavy because there are SO many different scenarios this addresses.  So, please read this knowing that I will not touch on every single issue, but that I’ll do my best to cover the most common ones.  Especially if you’re looking for professional guidance on abuse, porn addiction and physical infidelity, I am not qualified to be the main source of help. (If you’re in this situation, please seek professional support.)

First and foremost, let’s address our responses to new ideas before we even dig into if you really should try them.

I know that for many women, we really struggle with our feelings being our truth.  That is such a dangerous reality and can cause us extreme problems in every area of our lives.  It’s good and right for us to first ask ourselves if we have a habit of doing this.  Ask these questions:

-When I feel something about a specific issue, does it affect how I react in numerous areas of my life? (I’m upset with my husband about “x”, so I’ll stop doing this, this and this for him too.)

-When I feel something, do I trust that feeling and assume I should act immediately on that feeling? (I feel hurt.  I bet my husband doesn’t even care how much that hurt me.  And he’s not even going to apologize for what he did.  He probably even did it on purpose because he cares about himself more than he cares about me.)

-Do I often speak with the words “always & never” when I have a strong feeling about something? (You forgot to call me and let me know you would be late.  You NEVER take my feelings into consideration.  You ALWAYS do what is best for you and don’t care about how it’ll affect me.)

If you’ve struggled with this habit (that most women do) first of all, you’re not alone.  But secondly, it is really good to recognize this and get a handle on this outside of the bedroom so it doesn’t carry over into the bedroom.

Otherwise, when he asks you to try something new — you might “feel” a certain way about it, trust that feeling, and then in turn make wrongful assumptions or conclusions and really hurt your husband.

Whether or not we “like” this truth — the only thing I can find in scripture that is printed clearly for us that is wrong sexually is:

– sex before marriage

– infidelity (sex outside of marriage, or in marriage with the inclusion of more than one man and one woman.)

– lust for anyone other than your spouse

– homosexuality

– bestiality

I don’t see anywhere that says “multiple positions, oral sex, anal sex, conversation (the inclusion of any/all words), or role-playing” is listed as wrong, sinful or unholy.

In fact, scripture tells us that everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.

For the couple that includes these things with the permission and enjoyment of both people in the marriage – this is good.

For the couple that includes these things against the will or to the discomfort of one or both people in the marriage – this is not a beneficial addition to the sexual relationship.

However, the important thing to remember is that even if something is really scary for you, or not something you desire, THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOUR HUSBAND IS WRONG FOR WANTING TO TRY.

It is easy for us to think strong things when we feel caught off guard or asked to do something that feels wrong to us.

Maybe these thoughts have crossed your mind or come out of your mouth before:

– I’m not doing that.  I’m not a whore.

– Nasty.  That’s gross.

– What?  Are you gay if you’re that into anal sex?

– What is wrong with you that you’d even consider something like that?

– Are you unhappy with “ME” and what I will do so you’re trying to change me into someone else?

– Where did you even see something like that, are you being unfaithful to me?  That desire can’t possibly come naturally.

– That’s disgusting that you’d even ask me that.

That’s not a holy response, and it’s not OK for us to say these things.  Unless he is OUTRIGHT asking you to sin… we have no permission to shame, belittle, disrespect or condemn him for having a desire and asking us (HIS WIFE) to consider fulfilling it.

(To the men who read my blog- I RARELY address you, because I write primarily as a woman to women, and I take seriously that Scripture says a woman should not teach with authority to a man… in this instance, though, I am going to offer a suggestion that I think you should strongly consider before dismissing.  Our culture is sex crazed, and Satan can convince us to give into every desire we have by making it an idol or give it improper jurisdiction of our hearts.  It’s OK to have ideas for the bedroom and to take them to your wife, but not everything is beneficial sexually for you, your wife, or for you both as a couple.  If you’re really interested in something -like anal sex- do some DEEP research on the matter and discover if it is really safe for both of your health and what you’d need to consider to make it safe or after looking into the possible side effects for many women- if this is something worth even taking to her, what things you could present to her that would help her consider it, and even how to dismiss this craving if it would cause her physical or emotional harm. Just like she has no business shaming you for a desire, you have no business shaming her for her inhibitions to a desire.)

That being said women – we are their wives and it should be a desire of our heart to meet their deepest needs, requests and desires.  Before acting wildly harsh because of emotions, fears or inhibitions — give what he’s saying some thought.

A few good responses are:

– I’m up for giving this a try.  I’m not sure how it will go.  Can we take this slow? If it’s not working out, I’ll let you know so we can do something more comfortable.

– Wow! That sounds sexy.  I’ve never considered anything like that before.  Can I think about it and research it a little before we discuss giving this a try?

– I have a few fears and reservations about that. I’m not ready yet but I promise to pray about this and see if I can overcome my concerns.

– I love you so much and I think it’s awesome that you have that desire, but that position hurts me and I’m unable to do it with joy.  Would you be up for trying something close or brainstorming together for something to replace that desire?

Despite how crazy some of his suggestions might be — it’s really an honor ladies that he desires hot and crazy sex and that he wants YOU to fulfill these exciting longings in him.

Practical Application:

– Spend some time on the first section discovering if your emotions get to control your thoughts and actions.

– Consider your responses, and use gentleness to express what you’re ready or not ready to do.

– Pray about being willing to try some new things.  You never know, it might sound outlandish and freaky at first — but often times, he’s looking for new ways to please you too and it might be something you end up being wild about yourself!

Don’t promise with words, promise with action. (Part 5 of 5)

24 Feb

If you’ve ended up here without first reading “What is the big deal about sex anyway?” which is part 1 of this series, please stop and go read that first.  It’s important to gather all the information in a series to gain the full benefit and understand where we’ve been and where we’re going.

 If you are in an abusive marriage, a marriage with continual habitual sin (like an addiction or an affair) or have a past that contains sexual abuse or rape, please seek professional help.  This series is not written with the intent to address these exceptional situations, but rather is being written for married Christian couples who are seeking the truth about sex within marriage assuming there are no abusive or habitual sinful behaviors taking place.

I’m going to be addressing three different topics with the title of this post.

Number one:

I know I have some women who are painfully reading through these posts resisting the urge to comment saying “You don’t understand. I’m the one with the higher drive.  And I feel like my husband is rejecting me!”
Um, yes, yes I do understand that.  That describes the first 8 years of my marriage to a science! I haven’t forgotten the pain of that or how frustrating it was.

The truth?  Uh oh… my fingers are trembling because I can see the “unfollow” button being attacked…. I was a really disrespectful wife, and it was hard for my husband to feel intimate and safe with me, not to mention truly desire me daily.  My husband wasn’t flawless in that time either. I’d never say all the marriage issues fall on one spouse.  But, just because that’s true… doesn’t mean any spouse has an excuse to keep walking in sin. We answer to God individually, and no one is getting a pass on the “well ,he did this first” excuse.

I had to address my disrespect, and everything changed when I did.

If you’re at all curious if your husband might have a lower drive than you because he’s feeling disrespected…. please go here now.

Number two:

I also have a group of readers who struggle with gate-keeping and refusal.  This might be due to low-libido, lack of desire because they never orgasm, exhaustion, stress, feeling vulnerable, it’s a weapon or reward for his behavior, or just plain lack of understanding how necessary sex is in marriage because they don’t feel like they need it.

Sometimes they promise to do better, and they really do want to do better…. yet they never really do better at all.

If you’re in that group of women…. please go here now.

Number three:

For the rest of the women out there — you fall into the group of women who desire sex in your marriage both for his pleasure and your pleasure, yet you still struggle with inhibitions somewhere.  Maybe in what you want to try, how you look naked, or just taking that first step to do some of the things we’ve mentioned in this series or that you were able to read about by clicking on those links I’ve been adding…. but turning it into action is a stumbling block.

I totally get it.

I would never suggest trying everything new in one night.  It actually would be too overwhelming for both of you.  Remember, this is about your sex life for the rest of your marriage. Not just one experience.

Take very small steps, and get comfortable with something new seeing if it was a huge benefit, or if it was just so-so and decide if you want to expand on it, or skip it and go to something else.

This is my suggested action plan.

Step 1:

Have a talk outside the bedroom.  When you’re both fully dressed, unexposed, and in good spirits.  (Don’t try to bring this up when either of you is exhausted, in the middle of a stressful situation, or right after an argument.)

Ask your husband a few questions.

Maybe like – what is your favorite thing that I currently do in the bedroom?  Do you like (or would you like) if I made a few more noises and spoke some words about what I enjoy and what I’d like you to do for me? Is there anything you’d like to try that we’ve never tried?  How often do you think about sex?  How many times each week would satisfy your desires? (Be willing to answer his questions if he asks some too!)

Step 2:

Spend some time thinking about what he answered.  You can totally take notes while asking him (that will even show him how interested you are in meeting all his needs and having all yours met too.)

Think about any things he repeated more than once, or what first came out of his mouth.  If it was “I wish I knew if you liked it more.”  Then start focusing on sexy talk.  If it was “I wish you’d perform oral or let me perform oral.” Then start by focusing on what things need addressed for this to be an active part of your bedroom.

Set realistic goals for yourself.  Make a promise to yourself that you’re going to take the first step, and then be a woman of your word and follow through.  I wouldn’t personally suggest making these promises to him or giving him time lines in which you’ll start anything because as I’ve said many times, this isn’t a race nor is it good for either of you to have pressure over your heads.

Step 3:

Pray. Well, that seems unchristian for you to put pray as step 3.  Don’t misunderstand, I would definitely encourage praying before every step…. but THIS step is crucial before moving on and has to be addressed purposefully because I believe it’s very important to pray SPECIFICALLY and not just generically. Once you’ve talked to your husband and you’ve written down areas where you can grow and explore, ask God to bless your marriage bed IN THESE AREAS.  Be bold before the throne.  God created sex, there is nothing to hide from Him.  Ask Him to help you and your husband unlock and discover every ounce of pleasure He intended in your sex life with each other and then expect God to answer you.  Ask Him for courage to try new things, and a heart to desire and love every concept you’re agreeing to try that you might have reservations about right now.

Step 4:

Follow through.

I think you’ll be surprised by the freedom God will unlock, the pleasure it’ll bring to both of you, the changes it will make OUTSIDE of your bedroom, and how you’ll experience this crazy new intimacy that you didn’t even know you were missing.

Practical Application:

Slow and steady – don’t overwhelm or stress yourself out.

But resolve to make a first step.  And then a second.

Actions have and always will speak louder than words — SHOW HIM you want to make all his dreams come true instead of just promising you do with your words.  I really, truly believe you’ll be surprised how much it meets needs and changes things for YOU too!

If you have questions, concerns or comments and don’t want to post publicly, feel free to email me at gulickfamily@hotmail.com and we can chat privately.

I’m bringing sexy back, move over worldly girls. (Part 3 of 5)

22 Feb

If you’ve ended up here without first reading “What is the big deal about sex anyway?” which is part 1 of this series, please stop and go read that first.  It’s important to gather all the information in a series to gain the full benefit and understand where we’ve been and where we’re going.

 If you are in an abusive marriage, a marriage with continual habitual sin (like an addiction or an affair) or have a past that contains sexual abuse or rape, please seek professional help.  This series is not written with the intent to address these exceptional situations, but rather is being written for married Christian couples who are seeking the truth about sex within marriage assuming there are no abusive or habitual sinful behaviors taking place.

Move over worldly girls?  What exactly are you getting at here?

If you don’t believe in Satan, then this post will mean nothing to you.  And if you don’t believe that Satan roams the Earth looking for souls to devour, and that he is insanely beautiful and his temptations play deeply into our actual God-given needs and desires…. just stop and don’t read any further.  Because you’ll just end up feeling like you wasted your time.

For the rest of us, one of Satan’s greatest games comes in the form of worldly women.  The way they talk, the way they dress, the way they entice, the way they beg, the way they tease, the way they flirt, the way they give so freely, and the way they care about nobody else but themselves — they are after one thing and one thing only…. EVERY. SINGLE. MAN. ON. THIS. PLANET.

They aren’t just chasing the tale of those super-model gorgeous types.  They are wolves, and they want every single guy to drool over them and gawk out of the corner of their eye, no matter how old he is, what he looks like, and if he’s married or not.

And every truly Godly man on the planet has a battle to fight each day.  The temptations are everywhere.  And their desire is REAL and TOTALLY GOD-GIVEN.

If you miss that point, you’ll walk away without being changed.  Listen to this again.

THEIR DESIRE FOR SEXUAL STIMULATION THROUGH NAKED, SEXY, BEGGING WOMEN IS 100% GOD-GIVEN!!!

It is no mistake that men crave women’s bodies.  God CREATED sex… and without excitement, the penis wouldn’t become erect enough to function properly.

So to think that arousal from visual stimulation and inviting women isn’t normal is foolishness.

Do these women who entice our husbands realize how destructive they are?  Some of them do.  And others don’t.  I never said Satan only used those who knew what they were doing.  He can trick anyone into sinning – and make them think they are actually doing something good or normal.

Do you know why the success of the porn industry is so great? It’s for two reasons.

1.) Satan thrives on tricking and trapping us by exposing our real honest God-given desires and needs and coaxing us into fulfilling them in sinful ways.

2.) These women appear to truly desire the men looking and watching.

WOW! That number two is a game changer.

Before I get hateful comments and emails let me clear two things up really quickly.

1.) I am not at all saying that men only sin because women dress or act a certain way.  Of course a man has the choice to give into temptation or not.

2.) I am not at all ABOUT to say that wives are responsible for whether their husbands sin sexually or not.

However, wives – we have a choice.

We can stand up and fight for our man and marriage against Satan, or, we can sit back and blame him relentlessly for having desires we don’t feel like filling.

Let’s talk about how we bring sexy back into our  marriage like nothing he’s ever seen before.

It’s all about ONE thing.  Are you ready for it?

CONFIDENCE.

When you command the bedroom with confidence, that is the SEXIEST your body can ever look no matter what your hang ups are (and we’ll get to those in a minute.)

I’m not suggesting you’ll be able to do all these things by tonight, but start small and stay focused on getting better and better.

Take your clothes off for him.  Crawl around on the bed.  Talk sexy.  Look at him like he’s the sexiest man you’ve ever seen.  Put his hands on you and beg him to make love to you.

What’s that?

Oh.  You’re too fat right now?  You have acne? The kids left you with some stretch marks? Your boobs shrunk two sizes? You have some cellulite on your thighs or butt?

Check, check, check, check and check…. I’ve said them all at different times.

I know you don’t believe me, but you’re gonna have to come to grips with this truth some day…. or you’re going to miss out on the joy God truly created the marriage bed to be.  Your husband doesn’t care and he doesn’t see you like you see you.

With dim lights, intimate and sexy talk you never say in front of anyone else and confidence, he can’t see any of that… and his mind is TOTALLY elsewhere anyway.  And even if the lights were totally on…. his visual is not your visual.

You have something over every other woman on this planet as an arsenal if you decide to strap on your armor and start fighting for your marriage bed.

HE. LOVES. YOU.

If the woman he loves is confidently rolling around in the sheets with him, everyone else becomes invisible. Even when you’re apart, he’s picturing you naked in that crazy position the two of you made-up last night that blew his mind. And the girl at the grocery store has to look for new prey to try to lure in her trap.

But just to be real with you…. when your husband committed to marry you, he agreed to enjoy every ounce of sexual desire he could muster up with you and you alone.  Take some pride in that.  Keep up with yourself.

Am I saying you have to work out like a fool to be a size zero and get plastic surgery?  No.  That’s ridiculous.

But if you’re not feeling good about yourself and it’s messing with your confidence…. then take some pride in the commitment he made to you and do something about it, so you can give him everything you want him to have for the rest of his life.

Find a way to get some of the weight off, go see a dermatologist, buy some lingerie to cover the parts you’re struggling with so you can command the bedroom without feeling too exposed.

And for heaven’s sake…. don’t start believing he isn’t worth it.  The minute you think that, that’s the very moment you’ve given up on Echad.  And that means, you’ve given up on your marriage…. even if you never ask him for a divorce.  You can divorce him in your actions, without ever signing a single paper.

Practical Application:

Start small, but be intentional.

Maybe the safest thing you can think of is to start by sending suggestive text messages that are confident and initiative but not actually you performing a strip tease.

Awesome.  Start there.  But resolve in your heart that you’re as committed to him as you want him to be to you.  And don’t give up.  Get your confidence back and fight for your husband’s sexual desires. Once you really realize how beautiful it is that he has those desires, and you have the power to unlock every ounce of pleasure he’s ever felt…. you’ll realize how good it is that he begs you for sex everyday.

Here’s some awesome resources on this subject from another awesome blogger!