Tag Archives: opinions

A mindset adjustment.

15 May

For the first nine or so years of my marriage, I spent a lot of time on wasted arguments.

The discussion (because it never started as an argument) would start by my expressing an opinion of how I felt about something. Sometimes my opinions were based on experience, sometimes perception, sometimes convictions, sometimes struggles, and sometimes enjoyment.

The thing about an opinion is that they are formed out of what we believe is true, or should be true.
No one ever forms an opinion on the grounds that, I don’t really believe this or this is obviously wrong, but I’m going to make up this opinion anyway.

What did this mean for our discussions?

Simply put, if my husband was of the same opinion, it meant intimacy. And if he was of a different opinion, it meant an escalated discussion into an argument.

Many years went by before I realized that the reason the discussion escalated so drastically and intensely was because I instantly didn’t care *what* we were discussing anymore, and actually was now upset because I couldn’t change his opinion and I felt it was wrong. Or that he wasn’t as spiritual as I was. Or that he didn’t care about my feelings as much as I thought he should. Or that he didn’t have the priorities he should.

I’ll give you a real life scenario.

For years, my husband and I would argue about the television. The minute he hit the door, it was turned on. And it wasn’t turned off until the sleep timer turned it off after he had fallen asleep.

I hate television. I think it steals family time. I think it brings temptation into the home. I think it desensitizes us to sin. I think it makes what is very wrong with the world, seem funny and humorous. I think it allows men to lust even with their wives sitting beside them. And it causes women to struggle with body image. I think it often portrays men as stupid and weak. And women as superior and worthy of leaving their husbands. I feel lit brings in foul language and rude talk.

I don’t find it entertaining and I struggle deeply with some of those above things I mentioned.

I don’t love the TV being on, but the bigger problem was that I felt like my husband should feel/say/do/think/act a certain way, and he wasn’t, and I became very judgmental and prideful.

This same scenario played out in a number of ways in my marriage, not just with television.

It took me a long time to realize the fighting would stop when I looked at my own sin, and when I accepted a mindset adjustment.

Just because my husband doesn’t have my same opinions DOES NOT mean he’s WRONG, LESS SPIRITUAL, UNLOVING, SELFISH, or PROUD.

What if he was of the mindset that I had to agree to all his opinions?

And if I am right and he needs convicted of something, I am not going to be successful at that. I can’t play the Holy Spirit. In fact, my “help” is almost always going to slow the process down and interfere with what the Holy Spirit is trying to do.

I know it’s really hard to accept differences. And sometimes it really hurts. I want my husband to hate things that are a temptation or struggle for me. I want him to have the same priorities I do so my feelings don’t get hurt. And I want to feel like we agree on everything because that gives me a boost of intimacy in the relationship.
But when he has a different opinion, that does not mean he’s sinning against me.

However, what I do with my disappointment or hurt, can cause me to sin against him.

I am not perfect, and I still struggle in this area. It’s a daily dying to self (especially for women) to keep this part of our life pure and holy.

But thankfully now, most of the time, I am able to hold my tongue and redirect my thoughts more easily since I’ve seen my sin and want to live a more righteous life before my husband and before God. And I catch myself more quickly when I do stumble.

Practical Application:

Evaluate your disagreements. Are they opinion or factual based arguments? Are you upset with the problem or the fact that he doesn’t agree with you? Is your husband sinning, or just disagreeing with your standards/priorities? (That’s a tough question and often hurts our feelings when we really face it.)

Adjust your mindset. Allow for different opinions. Choose your words more wisely. Avoid discussions that turn the topic in a negative light. Focus on what you do agree on and both enjoy. Remember that pride, judgment, disrespect, and hurtful words ARE sins against your husband so in your anger or disappointment, do not sin.

Pray. If you really feel like something needs changed – ask God to convict your husband or change his opinion. The Holy Spirit can do a work you can NEVER do on your own. Trust God to work if the work needs done.

Now that you’ve said that, I’m doubting myself.

18 Feb

I’m not a flashy, showy person.  We’re very simplistic.  Partly because we aren’t financially loaded, so that helps keep us level-headed.  But also because we just have different goals in mind than most people do.

We don’t like debt. And we’d prefer to be debt free as soon in life as possible. (If we had it to do over, we wouldn’t have even started life with any debt.)  We have one credit card that never has a balance and we use it about once a year and pay it right off the next month.  We own both our vehicles (which are 11 and 14 years old).  We very, very, very rarely have ever made a purchase without having the cash to buy it, because it’s almost always proven true that it really isn’t something we “need”.  Basically, at this point in our lives, the only debt we have is our house.

I feel like I can finally share a small part of the “plan” I’ve been talking about because it’ll kinda be a bit public after today – get ready, you’re about to be on the inside track : )

Our home is going on the market today.  And friends, it’s going to be a VERY HARD sell!! We tried to sell it off and on for 6 years with NO LUCK!  It’s been off the market for over 2 years now again, but it’s going back up today.

We have our eyes on another house.  It’s bigger than what we have, which will provide the extra bedroom we desperately need.  (Right now we have 4 kids in one bedroom, 3 boys and 1 girl) but yet, it’s still VERY modest.  Most people would say it’s still too small.  It’s a great location, lots of land, and has a pond : )

Yesterday we took two important people in our lives through it to see it.  The reviews were not real great.  They saw in great detail all the cosmetic defects.  They looked at projects that need done a couple of years from now and elaborated on them as major negatives.  The positives they did compliment on seemed few and far between.

I was left not knowing how to feel.

I want to give weight to the comments that are legitimate concerns and yet, I feel like I’m struggling to weed through in my mind what is really a concern, and what’s just a concern to people who want/think they need to have the best of the best to be truly happy.

All the sudden, I feel like all *I* can see are all the negatives this morning.

I haven’t even mentioned that there is a REALLY good chance we could get this house for a steal and be debt free in 15 years or less!  Which would make those things that needed attention 5-10 years from now, a lot easier to handle.

I don’t know…  can you do me a favor?  Will you fill in my practical application for me?

Have you ever been here – where you’re happy with a decision until someone starts to pick it apart?  Do you have a checklist to know what to weigh and what not to weigh?  How do you handle your feelings toward the people who seem to be disappointed in what you’ve done or are about to do?  How do you keep your own convictions at a standard that isn’t affected by other people’s opinions?