Tag Archives: sex

Hey look, I’m just not in the mood, OK?!

13 Mar

Sorry I got a little side-stepped in finishing up these follow-up posts on my sex series. I believe this is the last one, for now. If you missed a week of blogs, or are new here…. you can catch the whole series by starting HERE.  I’ll warn you, it’s challenging.  However, I’ll also say, emails, FB messages and blog comments say it’s been worth the invested time to consider.

In all this talk about why sex is important and ideas for where we can improve as wives…. I purposely didn’t hit on this one point yet.  And that’s because it’s a tough one to deal with. Do we really have to follow through with sex when we’re “not in the mood?”

Before I answer that, let’s be honest about why we’re not in the mood.  You know I never paint rainbows here, so I promise not to start now. Here are a few scenarios to consider….maybe you can find yourself in one at some time or another.

– You’re a stay at home mom. It’s 2:00 AM and the baby is crying.  Your husband doesn’t even flinch, he just snores right through it.  You get up, spend 20 minutes consoling the baby and getting him back to sleep.  You lay back down. It takes a little while for your mind to relax again.  What do you know, 3:30 AM your toddler is in your room crying because she’s scared.  She must have had a bad dream.  You have a choice, let her crawl into bed with you because you feel so exhausted you might vomit if you stand up and risk your husband being angry that “the kids don’t belong in bed with us – you’re starting a habit and they’ll never stop” or get yourself up anyway and carry her to her bed and lay with her until she falls asleep.  6:00 AM comes all too soon and you wake up in a twin size bed with a toddlers feet in the middle of your back.  The rest of the day proves to be nothing short of hell on earth.  Constant tattling, whining, spilling three glasses of milk on the floor, with the word “MOMMY!” being said no less than 273 times throughout the 9 hours your husband is at work. And just when you feel like relief might be on its way…. he comes in, exhausted from his job, takes a seat on the couch and flips on the television while you stand there looking at the mess, supper laid out on the counter but not started yet and a baby on your hip thinking “REALLY?!”  10:00 PM – everyone is in bed, and your husband gets fresh…. “Hey look, I’m just not in the mood, OK?!”

– You’re up at 6:00 AM packing lunches in between showering, putting on your make-up and fixing your hair while you pour cereal and scream up the stairs – the bus will be here is 10 minutes, hurry up!! You put in a 9 hour day, but not just any 9 hour day… one in which your boss throws his “grunt work” on top of your already busy schedule.  You feel quite a lot like his maid at work. You rush from work eating a granola bar in the car to sit in the bleachers for 2 hours watching basketball.  The family piles into the house at 7:30 PM FAMISHED and you scramble to get everyone fed, ready for bed… and oh wait “hey mom — where’s that shirt I need for tomorrow, you know, the one with the blue stripes?”  You got it, it’s in the dirty clothes.  11:00 PM and your husband looks at you with pleading eyes …”Hey look, I’m just not in the mood, OK?!”

– You start your day feeling a little lonely.  Things just seem off between you and your husband.  You’re not fighting, but you don’t feel connected either.  You’re not “not” talking, but at the same time, it seems like the only things you say to each other are things out of necessity because you live together or you parent the same children. After spending the evening together what feels like just existing as roommates, you just don’t feel emotionally charged to desire sexual intimacy.  This is when the temptation arises to make-up an excuse or worse, grow bitter.  How can he possibly expect me to have sex when he hasn’t hardly spoke to me all day?  “Hey look, I’m just not in the mood, OK?!”

– You happen to have an hour of free time in your afternoon so you bounce around on Facebook and Pinterest.  Coincidental timing, or act of Satan… you be the judge.  Every post and pin is about some romantic husband sending flowers to his wife at work, calling to check on her through out the day, cooking supper while she sips a glass of wine, ironing his work shirts to help carry his weight around the house when suddenly…. you feel so ignored, unloved, empty, broken, like you married a dud of a husband who doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body.  And without romance, how can you possibly get undressed and roll around in the sheets? He actually hasn’t done anything wrong… but at the same time, he suddenly does everything wrong because of what he “doesn’t” do…. and honestly, “Hey look, I’m just not in the mood, OK?!”

For the sake of this post becoming 3000 words, and I simply won’t do that to you… I’m not going to dive into all four of these scenarios individually and cut out the lies and replace them all with truth.  I’ll give you the starting points, and you can find yourself in here if you’re a woman who is generally “not in the mood” and sort this out yourself.

I’ll point out a few key points that changed everything for me.

Marriage is not about making us happy.  It’s about making us holy. 

Marriage is the direct reflection of Christ and the church.  And we the bride, represent the bride of Christ.  When I really changed how I see my role in marriage…. my ideals about my own selfishness started to melt away.

We really are selfish beings.  Our emotions and feelings tend to be immediate and urgent.  And our lack of empathy for our husbands tends to be secondary and justified.

What if…. he isn’t romantic, doesn’t help around the house, isn’t really chatty because “Hey look, he’s not in the mood, OK?!”

Is that fair?  Should you feel understanding or slighted?  Would you be patient with that answer or deeply hurt?

Every opportunity to love and fulfill your husband, even when you don’t “feel” like it or he doesn’t “deserve” it is a chance to refine your character and be more like Christ.

Do you love Christ?  Is worshipping Him with your life the goal?  If it’s not… you’ll never truly love your husband.  It takes the love and power of Christ to love selflessly. THAT IS NOT NATURAL AND IT IS NOT EASY, and we will never be flawless at it. We have to refine our minds and bodies to behave in worship so we can reflect the love of Christ for us, through us.

Jesus words for us were “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

What if we treated our husband with that kind of love and worked on us?  What if we invested all our energy into dying to our own selfishness and learning to love sacrificially?

What if we remembered that God created sex for BOTH of us and that it binds us together like nothing else, and saying we’re not in the mood is actually telling God that we don’t think He had us in mind or created the right activity for marriage to bond us together.

What if we remembered that exhaustion is a season and the marriage came before the kids and it’ll outlast the kids being in our home and under our care.  If we neglect the growth and nourishment of our marriage in the busy years, it’ll remain neglected in the not so busy years. Habits are really hard to break.  Especially 20 years of bad habits.

What if our changing first fulfilled our husbands needs so much so that he couldn’t resist changing himself?

What if we offered suggestions to make sex a priority instead of an end of the day activity that we’re too tired to complete?  We can set a timer for thirty minutes and tell the kids that daddy and mommy need to talk in private, rest, whatever you want to say and they can come ask you any questions or play with you when the timer goes off.  If it’s too light in your room during the day for your comfort, make the investment in dark curtains…. every investment toward your marriage and sex life is a priority. (This coming from a one income family of 6.)

And finally, what if all our excuses were just Satan’s genius plan for keeping hidden division in our marriage so we never fulfilled our husbands, allowed us both to feel vulnerable and unconnected, and then our husband never fulfilled our needs and this cycle of constantly feeling like marriage is really hard work kept going and going and going for years?!

And all along, you could have been the first one to stop the cycle.

Practical Application:

Some times, we really are emotionally or physically ill and it’s OK to need rest.

But for all those times that we could talk ourselves into being in the mood and don’t, we’re not just hurting our husbands….we’re hurting ourselves and in turn keeping a gap in our marriage for division to wedge in.

If you feel like you say “No” to your husband quite a bit….. I’d really encourage you to check out this series of posts.  It’s just, incredible. And so worth your time!! And tackles this topic with WAY more depth and insight.

I just can’t forget it.

4 Mar

We’re going to tackle another comment and concern that arose during the sex series I posted 2 weeks ago.

Again as always, if you’re in an abusive marriage or one where habitual addictive sin is present (drug use, an ongoing affair, physical violence) please seek professional help.  I am not qualified to assist in those situations.

It was brought to light that some women reading along are really struggling with trying new things, being vulnerable, and letting loose in the bedroom because their husband has said something or done something that really hurt their feelings.

If you’re married, there is no doubt in my mind that your spouse has hurt your feelings.  We are all sinners, we all struggle with selfishness, and it’s inevitable that we will occasionally hurt each others feelings.

In this instance, we’re not talking about when he said “your spaghetti isn’t quite as good as my mothers.”  While that can sting, it usually doesn’t make someone filled with sexual inhibitions for years.

We’re talking about the comments that sting a little worse in that department directly.

Comments like:

“I’ve noticed you really haven’t shed all the baby weight yet.”

“Hmmmm, I was with someone else before and SHE liked that.”

“That position isn’t really the best view for me.”

“You’re wrong.  Plenty of women do that for their husband.  What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m actually really attracted to “this” body type (showing you something polar opposite of yourself.)”

Can we just say this all together now? …… OUCH!

Those words (or similar ones) can cut like a knife.  And they don’t vanish very quickly.  In fact, even when apologized for — Satan LOVES to bring them back to the front of our minds over and over again like a broken record.

Even when we’re committed to forgiving and moving on, many women do better in a lot of ways, but still secretly struggle and hold back in other areas because the words just wounded them in such a way they can’t seem to heal and move on.

If you’re looking for me to write a couple of paragraphs with magic words or a quick fix, I can’t. I wish I could, but there is no “quick fix.”  And even though you’re the hurt one, it’s going to take work on your end to move on.  BUT, I really believe you can move on.  And I’ll share with you how I think you can get started.

I honestly believe across the board with forgiveness, the best way to start the process is to empathize with the person who hurt you.

WAIT! Don’t stop reading.  I know you’re thinking, “empathize with the man who said it really shouldn’t take two years to get that twenty pounds off?!”

I’m not telling you to imagine you said those words, because you didn’t and you wouldn’t.

What I want you to do is think of the worst thing you’ve ever said or done.  Seriously, the WORST thing.

Hold on.  Don’t breeze past this.  This is REALLY crucial.

Have you ever lied to someone and they found out?  Have you ever gossiped about someone not even really knowing if it was true and in turn caused some major repercussions for this person? Have you ever said something hurtful to someone and you knew the second the words came out of your mouth you’d went too far?  Have you ever told someone they could trust you, but then used what they said against them or told someone else anyway?

What is the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Now, imagine if that was the yard stick in which you were measured for the rest of your life.  Inhibitions go up everywhere in that area of life from anyone who knows.

You can no longer be trusted, be confided in, be believed, be accepted, or be a safe place for another person again.

If the desire inside of you for your apology to erase the hurt, and provide a new chance exists for yourself – you’ll finally find the empathy inside of you to extend that much mercy and forgiveness to someone else.  Including your husband.

Does that mean you’ll magically forget immediately?  Of course not.  But when those thoughts arrive, it’s a lot easier to take them captive telling Satan, “No.  This yard stick is not the standard for measuring my husband.  I’m going to measure him based on the hundreds of amazing things he’s done and said for me. He deserves forgiveness and another chance.  You want to destroy my intimacy.  You know if you keep this hurt at the front of my mind, the sexual experience we need to keep practicing over and over again to bind us in a way we can never be separated will be hindered and this tactic stops.”

Will repeating this once make all the pain go away and never allow it to come to your mind again?  No.  But! You WILL feel the chains loosen.

Now, comes the proactive part of fighting for your marriage.

Your goal is not to make the hurt vanish.

Here is the reality — a wound is an open sore.  There is the process of scabbing over which usually comes in the form of an apology and/or a choice to forgive (even without an apology), and finally comes a scar.

Scars do not hurt.  Yes, they still exist and can be seen but not every scar has to remain a negative story.  It can become a positive.  It can be a reminder of your growth in Christ by being able to forgive, extend mercy, show grace, and overcome Satan’s attempts to defeat you.

What happens for most of us in these situations is when the scab is almost healed, we ourselves rip it back off exposing the wound again.  If we never let the scab heal all the way and become a scar, we live with an open wound constantly and endlessly hung up on that one incident and destroy our whole future.

There is a lesson in learning to scar.  It’s unfortunate when it comes at the hands of our husband, but God wastes nothing.

The purpose of marriage is to MAKE US HOLY, not to make us HAPPY.  Being married to a human hurts sometimes.  That doesn’t mean it’s beyond the hand of God.  There is no way that God wastes a thing in our lives.  If the wound happened, He wants you to grow into holiness because of it.  Not to stay wounded because your happiness was faltered.

I know your husband caused the hurt.  But it really is up to you to become holy, or to stay the victim.

Practical Application:

Think about your biggest mistake and what it would mean if that was the yard stick in which you were measured for the rest of you life?

Take that realization and turn it into empathy for your husband.

Get on your knees and come to a place of accepting that this wound was always an opportunity for you to become holy, even when it hurt, and even when the scab kept coming off.   God wants it to scar over so you can use it in your testimony instead of being held back from what He has for you in the future — especially in your marriage.

You want me to WHAT?!

1 Mar

I’m going to write a couple posts addressing a few comments to my sex series that came publicly and through private email.

Today’s topic – How do I handle it when he asks me to do something new that I’m not thrilled about?

This question is pretty heavy because there are SO many different scenarios this addresses.  So, please read this knowing that I will not touch on every single issue, but that I’ll do my best to cover the most common ones.  Especially if you’re looking for professional guidance on abuse, porn addiction and physical infidelity, I am not qualified to be the main source of help. (If you’re in this situation, please seek professional support.)

First and foremost, let’s address our responses to new ideas before we even dig into if you really should try them.

I know that for many women, we really struggle with our feelings being our truth.  That is such a dangerous reality and can cause us extreme problems in every area of our lives.  It’s good and right for us to first ask ourselves if we have a habit of doing this.  Ask these questions:

-When I feel something about a specific issue, does it affect how I react in numerous areas of my life? (I’m upset with my husband about “x”, so I’ll stop doing this, this and this for him too.)

-When I feel something, do I trust that feeling and assume I should act immediately on that feeling? (I feel hurt.  I bet my husband doesn’t even care how much that hurt me.  And he’s not even going to apologize for what he did.  He probably even did it on purpose because he cares about himself more than he cares about me.)

-Do I often speak with the words “always & never” when I have a strong feeling about something? (You forgot to call me and let me know you would be late.  You NEVER take my feelings into consideration.  You ALWAYS do what is best for you and don’t care about how it’ll affect me.)

If you’ve struggled with this habit (that most women do) first of all, you’re not alone.  But secondly, it is really good to recognize this and get a handle on this outside of the bedroom so it doesn’t carry over into the bedroom.

Otherwise, when he asks you to try something new — you might “feel” a certain way about it, trust that feeling, and then in turn make wrongful assumptions or conclusions and really hurt your husband.

Whether or not we “like” this truth — the only thing I can find in scripture that is printed clearly for us that is wrong sexually is:

– sex before marriage

– infidelity (sex outside of marriage, or in marriage with the inclusion of more than one man and one woman.)

– lust for anyone other than your spouse

– homosexuality

– bestiality

I don’t see anywhere that says “multiple positions, oral sex, anal sex, conversation (the inclusion of any/all words), or role-playing” is listed as wrong, sinful or unholy.

In fact, scripture tells us that everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.

For the couple that includes these things with the permission and enjoyment of both people in the marriage – this is good.

For the couple that includes these things against the will or to the discomfort of one or both people in the marriage – this is not a beneficial addition to the sexual relationship.

However, the important thing to remember is that even if something is really scary for you, or not something you desire, THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOUR HUSBAND IS WRONG FOR WANTING TO TRY.

It is easy for us to think strong things when we feel caught off guard or asked to do something that feels wrong to us.

Maybe these thoughts have crossed your mind or come out of your mouth before:

– I’m not doing that.  I’m not a whore.

– Nasty.  That’s gross.

– What?  Are you gay if you’re that into anal sex?

– What is wrong with you that you’d even consider something like that?

– Are you unhappy with “ME” and what I will do so you’re trying to change me into someone else?

– Where did you even see something like that, are you being unfaithful to me?  That desire can’t possibly come naturally.

– That’s disgusting that you’d even ask me that.

That’s not a holy response, and it’s not OK for us to say these things.  Unless he is OUTRIGHT asking you to sin… we have no permission to shame, belittle, disrespect or condemn him for having a desire and asking us (HIS WIFE) to consider fulfilling it.

(To the men who read my blog- I RARELY address you, because I write primarily as a woman to women, and I take seriously that Scripture says a woman should not teach with authority to a man… in this instance, though, I am going to offer a suggestion that I think you should strongly consider before dismissing.  Our culture is sex crazed, and Satan can convince us to give into every desire we have by making it an idol or give it improper jurisdiction of our hearts.  It’s OK to have ideas for the bedroom and to take them to your wife, but not everything is beneficial sexually for you, your wife, or for you both as a couple.  If you’re really interested in something -like anal sex- do some DEEP research on the matter and discover if it is really safe for both of your health and what you’d need to consider to make it safe or after looking into the possible side effects for many women- if this is something worth even taking to her, what things you could present to her that would help her consider it, and even how to dismiss this craving if it would cause her physical or emotional harm. Just like she has no business shaming you for a desire, you have no business shaming her for her inhibitions to a desire.)

That being said women – we are their wives and it should be a desire of our heart to meet their deepest needs, requests and desires.  Before acting wildly harsh because of emotions, fears or inhibitions — give what he’s saying some thought.

A few good responses are:

– I’m up for giving this a try.  I’m not sure how it will go.  Can we take this slow? If it’s not working out, I’ll let you know so we can do something more comfortable.

– Wow! That sounds sexy.  I’ve never considered anything like that before.  Can I think about it and research it a little before we discuss giving this a try?

– I have a few fears and reservations about that. I’m not ready yet but I promise to pray about this and see if I can overcome my concerns.

– I love you so much and I think it’s awesome that you have that desire, but that position hurts me and I’m unable to do it with joy.  Would you be up for trying something close or brainstorming together for something to replace that desire?

Despite how crazy some of his suggestions might be — it’s really an honor ladies that he desires hot and crazy sex and that he wants YOU to fulfill these exciting longings in him.

Practical Application:

– Spend some time on the first section discovering if your emotions get to control your thoughts and actions.

– Consider your responses, and use gentleness to express what you’re ready or not ready to do.

– Pray about being willing to try some new things.  You never know, it might sound outlandish and freaky at first — but often times, he’s looking for new ways to please you too and it might be something you end up being wild about yourself!

So…you don’t like me.

28 Feb

Are there any people-pleasers in the crowd?

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Is there a difference between being a people pleaser, and feeling emotionally defeated when you’re misunderstood?

I hadn’t given this much thought until the last two days.  Why?

Because guess what — I got a LOT of support for my recent sex series (public comments and private emails and new followers).  However, I got a little backlash, some “unfollows” and my post was added by an awesome supporter to a sex discussion forum and some of the readers there, well, they let everyone else know just how much they disliked the post- and made conclusions about the author (me).

I know there are some blog authors out there who laugh hysterically when people come at them… because believe me — if you blog, you get backlash.  People really like letting you know when they disagree or think you’re stupid.

I am not one of those people.  I really find no pleasure in spending thirty minutes reading through a slew of comments that tear one of my posts apart, make wild accusations about me as a person, or worst of all claim that I do a disservice to Christianity with Scripture interpretation.

I immediately thought, man I’m such a people-pleaser to feel frustrated over these few negative comments.  I could have five hundred positive comments, and the one negative one will make me question over and over how I could have worded something different or explained something better to reach that person too.

I don’t think that is actually people-pleasing.

I actually think people-pleasing is when a person says yes to things they don’t want to do or may actually even disagree with, to gain someone’s approval. They  may agree to serve in the nursery when they really don’t feel called and are in the middle of a rough season at home with their own children.  They might join in the crowd to make fun of someone else, even though they feel immediate guilt.  Or they might go out of their way to make special arrangements in a desperate attempt to be important to someone.

That’s actually not me at all.  While I like to be liked, I can pretty easily say no when I really need to say no.  I don’t join into conversations of activities just because the crowd is doing it.  And I don’t chase down people in an attempt to mean something to them.

However, I really struggle with being disliked when I feel like one of three things is happening.

1.) I’m being misunderstood or misquoted.

2.) I feel like I’m being held to a standard that isn’t attainable for anyone, especially the person who is coming against me.

3.) I’m being wrongly accused of something I would never do.

That’ll keep me up at night.  It’ll make me battle the temptation to shut down my blog, my Facebook page, and hide in a bubble for a few months. It’ll make me shed quite a few tears feeling suffocated by things totally out of my control.

I have no desire to go back and write something that makes the people on that forum “like me”.  I actually don’t feel any sadness over the fact that they don’t.

I am NO STRANGER to not being liked.  Eh, everyone has someone or a group of people who just clash with them.

But not being liked feels a whole lot different from being wrongly accused.

So…. I got to thinking a little further.

Might this be why marriages seemingly flounder, families fall apart, and church’s are full of congregations with known enemies attending?

Are we all largely people-pleasers….. or are there more people out there like me who feel like, “You don’t like me/trust me/get me/serve me/want me/help me/love me because you don’t understand me.”

– You think things about me that aren’t true. And, oh – lets own it – I think things about you that aren’t true.  I’m just making assumptions sometimes.

– When you repeat the words I say, you say them with a tone that I never used.  You misquote me and make me sound like a jerk.

– You don’t listen to what I’m saying, you’re too busy planning what you’re going to say against me from the first phrase I uttered… without listening to my explanation.

– You have these expectations of me that I can’t live up to.

– You’re unwilling to forgive me when I make mistakes.  You hold everything over my head.  I’m not perfect.  That doesn’t mean I’m evil.

– All you can see is everything I do wrong, do you see anything I do right?

Are you in the middle of a relationship where you feel misunderstood?  Misquoted?  Held to a standard you can’t achieve? Accused of doing things you’d never do?

Let’s ask some deeper questions.

Are you in the middle of a relationship where you might be misunderstanding someone?  Have you added a tone they never used? Do you have expectations they can never possibly reach?  (This happens a lot when men expect women to be like them… or women expect men to be JUST like them.) Are you throwing around accusations that you really don’t have the hard facts to prove…. that you gained from some heavy assumptions?

Practical Application:

God’s desire for us is to reach restoration with our brothers and sisters (husbands, wives, parents, in-law, friends, church members) whenever it’s in our power to act. (God calls us to make things right before we even come to the Altar to worship Him.)

The first step to restoration is recognizing and owning your own part in the problem.  More reflection, less blame.

Set a realistic next step.  I’d never tell you restoration happens in all situations after one five-minute conversation.   But good starting points are

*self-reflection, prayer, counseling, communication, confession, apologizing, asking forgiveness and listening in humility.

We won’t always be able to reach reconciliation.  Sometimes the other party isn’t ready.  Sometimes there is no relationship there to restore (like blog commenters you don’t even now their real name.) That’s OK.  The process of uncovering *why* you don’t like someone or are mad at them will bring healing to you, and forgiveness too.  Even if everything is not completely restored.

Chance are — if they are misquoting you, misunderstanding you, or misrepresenting you, it has a lot more to do with them than you.  So dig deeper and tap into mercy.

A good lesson in mercy is learning to empathize with your enemy, instead of trying to find a way to retaliate against them or sulk in your own feelings.  Hurting people, hurt people. Ask yourself, why are they hurting?

Don’t promise with words, promise with action. (Part 5 of 5)

24 Feb

If you’ve ended up here without first reading “What is the big deal about sex anyway?” which is part 1 of this series, please stop and go read that first.  It’s important to gather all the information in a series to gain the full benefit and understand where we’ve been and where we’re going.

 If you are in an abusive marriage, a marriage with continual habitual sin (like an addiction or an affair) or have a past that contains sexual abuse or rape, please seek professional help.  This series is not written with the intent to address these exceptional situations, but rather is being written for married Christian couples who are seeking the truth about sex within marriage assuming there are no abusive or habitual sinful behaviors taking place.

I’m going to be addressing three different topics with the title of this post.

Number one:

I know I have some women who are painfully reading through these posts resisting the urge to comment saying “You don’t understand. I’m the one with the higher drive.  And I feel like my husband is rejecting me!”
Um, yes, yes I do understand that.  That describes the first 8 years of my marriage to a science! I haven’t forgotten the pain of that or how frustrating it was.

The truth?  Uh oh… my fingers are trembling because I can see the “unfollow” button being attacked…. I was a really disrespectful wife, and it was hard for my husband to feel intimate and safe with me, not to mention truly desire me daily.  My husband wasn’t flawless in that time either. I’d never say all the marriage issues fall on one spouse.  But, just because that’s true… doesn’t mean any spouse has an excuse to keep walking in sin. We answer to God individually, and no one is getting a pass on the “well ,he did this first” excuse.

I had to address my disrespect, and everything changed when I did.

If you’re at all curious if your husband might have a lower drive than you because he’s feeling disrespected…. please go here now.

Number two:

I also have a group of readers who struggle with gate-keeping and refusal.  This might be due to low-libido, lack of desire because they never orgasm, exhaustion, stress, feeling vulnerable, it’s a weapon or reward for his behavior, or just plain lack of understanding how necessary sex is in marriage because they don’t feel like they need it.

Sometimes they promise to do better, and they really do want to do better…. yet they never really do better at all.

If you’re in that group of women…. please go here now.

Number three:

For the rest of the women out there — you fall into the group of women who desire sex in your marriage both for his pleasure and your pleasure, yet you still struggle with inhibitions somewhere.  Maybe in what you want to try, how you look naked, or just taking that first step to do some of the things we’ve mentioned in this series or that you were able to read about by clicking on those links I’ve been adding…. but turning it into action is a stumbling block.

I totally get it.

I would never suggest trying everything new in one night.  It actually would be too overwhelming for both of you.  Remember, this is about your sex life for the rest of your marriage. Not just one experience.

Take very small steps, and get comfortable with something new seeing if it was a huge benefit, or if it was just so-so and decide if you want to expand on it, or skip it and go to something else.

This is my suggested action plan.

Step 1:

Have a talk outside the bedroom.  When you’re both fully dressed, unexposed, and in good spirits.  (Don’t try to bring this up when either of you is exhausted, in the middle of a stressful situation, or right after an argument.)

Ask your husband a few questions.

Maybe like – what is your favorite thing that I currently do in the bedroom?  Do you like (or would you like) if I made a few more noises and spoke some words about what I enjoy and what I’d like you to do for me? Is there anything you’d like to try that we’ve never tried?  How often do you think about sex?  How many times each week would satisfy your desires? (Be willing to answer his questions if he asks some too!)

Step 2:

Spend some time thinking about what he answered.  You can totally take notes while asking him (that will even show him how interested you are in meeting all his needs and having all yours met too.)

Think about any things he repeated more than once, or what first came out of his mouth.  If it was “I wish I knew if you liked it more.”  Then start focusing on sexy talk.  If it was “I wish you’d perform oral or let me perform oral.” Then start by focusing on what things need addressed for this to be an active part of your bedroom.

Set realistic goals for yourself.  Make a promise to yourself that you’re going to take the first step, and then be a woman of your word and follow through.  I wouldn’t personally suggest making these promises to him or giving him time lines in which you’ll start anything because as I’ve said many times, this isn’t a race nor is it good for either of you to have pressure over your heads.

Step 3:

Pray. Well, that seems unchristian for you to put pray as step 3.  Don’t misunderstand, I would definitely encourage praying before every step…. but THIS step is crucial before moving on and has to be addressed purposefully because I believe it’s very important to pray SPECIFICALLY and not just generically. Once you’ve talked to your husband and you’ve written down areas where you can grow and explore, ask God to bless your marriage bed IN THESE AREAS.  Be bold before the throne.  God created sex, there is nothing to hide from Him.  Ask Him to help you and your husband unlock and discover every ounce of pleasure He intended in your sex life with each other and then expect God to answer you.  Ask Him for courage to try new things, and a heart to desire and love every concept you’re agreeing to try that you might have reservations about right now.

Step 4:

Follow through.

I think you’ll be surprised by the freedom God will unlock, the pleasure it’ll bring to both of you, the changes it will make OUTSIDE of your bedroom, and how you’ll experience this crazy new intimacy that you didn’t even know you were missing.

Practical Application:

Slow and steady – don’t overwhelm or stress yourself out.

But resolve to make a first step.  And then a second.

Actions have and always will speak louder than words — SHOW HIM you want to make all his dreams come true instead of just promising you do with your words.  I really, truly believe you’ll be surprised how much it meets needs and changes things for YOU too!

If you have questions, concerns or comments and don’t want to post publicly, feel free to email me at gulickfamily@hotmail.com and we can chat privately.

Oral, are you serious? (Part 4 of 5)

23 Feb

If you’ve ended up here without first reading “What is the big deal about sex anyway?” which is part 1 of this series, please stop and go read that first.  It’s important to gather all the information in a series to gain the full benefit and understand where we’ve been and where we’re going.

 If you are in an abusive marriage, a marriage with continual habitual sin (like an addiction or an affair) or have a past that contains sexual abuse or rape, please seek professional help.  This series is not written with the intent to address these exceptional situations, but rather is being written for married Christian couples who are seeking the truth about sex within marriage assuming there are no abusive or habitual sinful behaviors taking place.

You’ve had a few days to contemplate the title of this post because I let you know we’d be going here.  But just to clear up any chance of doubt… yes, this is going where you thought it was.  We’re going to discuss oral sex.

WHY ORAL SEX?

1.) Statistics show over and over and over again that only 20 – 25% of women can achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration only.  I told you in post one, and have repeated it over and over again, if there is no pleasure – there is very little desire.

Some people claim that oral sex is wrong.  Where does it say that in Scripture?  I’d actually argue strongly that Song of Solomon paints the opposite picture, but I’m not diving all the way in there today.  This post would end up being WAY too long…. and others have already handled this topic wonderfully. (If you have concerns about if oral sex is a sin, check out the thoughts posted here.)

2.) For both men and women – it feels amazing! And who doesn’t want to add things to their bedroom that add pleasure?  But I’d challenge you to think about this a little further for him….

because I’ll be honest.  I had a few hang-ups myself about wanting to perform oral sex for him, often, and all the way.  I got a little complacent in my mind that as long as I was finishing the job with my hands, or actual intercourse… he was getting fulfilled and I was doing my job.

However — doing my job is a whole lot different from fulfilling every desire inside him.  *I* am his wife.  *I* have the power to pull out things inside him that no other person on this planet has a right to do.

What if oral sex looked like this for him:

a.) A totally new visual. (Remember, men are visually stimulated in a way we often aren’t.)  He gets to watch his most intimate and pleasurable part of his body be aroused, and worked all the way to climax.

b.) You’re totally engaged.  One of his biggest fears is that you’re often passively laying there thinking you’d rather not be with him.  But when you’re performing oral, you’re the one actively pursuing and desiring him.  You can’t passively lay there when you’re calling the shots.

c.) It feels different.  Your mouth, tongue and throat do not feel the same as your hand or your vagina.  You can do things with different motions, effects and pressure that you can’t do any other way.

d.) It makes him trust you deeper because it’s even MORE intimate than sex.  (Which I’ll explain a little further in just a second.)

Before I move on — I know some of you are getting uncomfortable because I’m failing to address some of the hang-ups.  What about having a gag-reflex, thinking semen is just plain gross, that feeling of hair in your mouth, or the unpleasant smells that can exist.

I could talk on this, but it’d be a waste of my time because THIS BLOG by Forgivenwife, is a gold mine for all these concerns and answers.  I strongly, STRONGLY encourage you to pop over to this page, and utilize every single resource you can to talk about those hang-ups, get some how-to’s and read some more reasons why you might want to add this to your bedroom.

3.) The power of the mouth.  I’m taking a risk and going somewhere I haven’t seen many other blogs go to explain to you why I believe the mouth is CRUCIAL in our sexual life with our spouse.

Scripture tells us that the tongue has the power to speak life or death.  It describes it as being small but holding the power of a bit in a horse’s mouth, the rudder to steer a large ship, and a small spark that can set a forest on fire. (James 3)

With our mouths we have the ability to praise and to curse.  We have the choice to GIVE HEALING or CRUSH THE SPIRIT (Proverbs 15:4)

That last verse is REALLY powerful isn’t it?  With our tongues we can bring healing, to a husband who desires intimacy in a way he has a hard time verbalizing.  Ladies, men are not like us.  We have the ability to be emotional SO much easier than they do.  Even if they are the chatty kind of guy, or if you’re married to the strong, silent type – they rarely bare the deepest parts of themselves with anyone.  Even their wife.

However, that begging of you to give him a blow job (which many of us have been on the receiving end of) is a cry to heal his largest craving for intimacy.  Rejection is the power of the tongue to crush his spirit.  And hold that barrier of his deepest self in the prison only he has the key to.

But if you’re safe, engaged, desire him, and give every kind of healing with your tongue that no one else can give — he’ll grant you a key to that prison.  And you’ll go deeper in your marriage and intimacy than ever before.

And this applies to oral sex, sexy talk, kissing and words of praise.

Which is why we ACTIVELY practice Echad.  All forms of it.  To keep anything from coming between us, to reopen and re-engage over and over the secret depths of ourselves, and enjoy pleasure unlocked behind closed doors that no one ever sees but the two of you.

Practical Application:

Go – RIGHT NOW – and read some more from those other two links!!!

Make a list of your struggles in this area.  Be determined to finding real solutions.

Stop and consider why his requests for oral sex might be the most beautiful question he’s ever asked you before.  And decide if you really want that key only he can give you.

Fake it ’til you make it, absolutely not!! (Part 2 of 5)

21 Feb

If you’ve ended up here without first reading “What is the big deal about sex anyway?” which is part 1 of this series, please stop and go read that first.  It’s important to gather all the information in a series to gain the full benefit and understand where we’ve been and where we’re going.

I am also going to add this disclaimer to this post and the next three to come.  If you are in an abusive marriage, a marriage with continual habitual sin (like an addiction or an affair) or have a past that contains sexual abuse or rape, please seek professional help.  This series is not written with the intent to address these exceptional situations, but rather is being written for married Christian couples who are seeking the truth about sex within marriage assuming there are no abusive or habitual sinful behaviors taking place.

I can’t go anywhere with this post without first calling out the problem.

Women, STOP FAKING ENJOYMENT!!!!!  And for the benefit of everyone involved, definitely STOP FAKING ORGASMS!!!!!

What?  How dare you.

Trust me.  By the time you read this post, you’ll agree with me.

I know what you’re thinking.  Sometimes I just can’t get there.  Sometimes it’s taking me forever and I feel guilty. Sometimes he isn’t giving me what I need.  Sometimes I’m just not in the mood but at least I’m fulfilling my duty to him so the quicker I fake it, the sooner it’s over.

Why is faking it such a problem?  For two main reasons.

1.) Men take mental pictures of success.  Every time you fake enjoyment or orgasm, he is memorizing and snapping pictures of what he is doing so he can repeat it in the future.  He is never going to give you what you really need in the future because he is busy performing what he thinks is already it.  Not to mention, it causes him extreme frustration and feelings of being a failure when he starts repeating what worked the last time, and since you were faking, you don’t remember what he was doing so you forget to fake again, and he’s left wondering what he’s doing wrong and how he didn’t remember it exactly like he thought he did.

2.) If sex isn’t mind-blowingly enjoyable for you, you aren’t going to crave it.  And if you fake it to get out of it, he’s never going to be able to show you just how incredible it can really be if you take your time and get it right.

Sex can be CRAZY enjoyable for a woman! But everything we’ve got going on down there – men have no clue how to navigate their way around without a little assistance. (We don’t even always know what works and doesn’t.)  ESPECIALLY if your husband gave you the beautiful and amazing gift of having zero sexual experience before you, then he really is walking totally blind.

But I can promise you one thing.  HE WANTS MORE THAN ANYTHING FOR YOU TO TRULY ENJOY IT AND HE DOESN’T CARE AT ALL IF HE HAS TO INVEST A LITTLE TIME TO GET THERE!!!

That’s good news, right?  Time to strip off all that pressure and all those excuses and figure out how to achieve and maintain this mind-blowing echad experience.

To get to know your body and get familiar with how to make sex out-of-this-world awesome for you, your husband needs a room with a dim light, a naked wife, and some instruction from y..o..?

Oh no, no, no, no…. don’t you dare say what I think you’re about to say. Sorry, I’m gonna say it.  Like it or not, you’re sleeping with this man, it’s time to put on your big girl panties, or take them off, and START TALKING!!!

Show him what you have going on below the belt.  Be honest.  Tell him what feels good, and what doesn’t feel so great. Put his fingers where you want them, direct him where to use his tongue, and let him know the speed and pressure necessary to be pleasurable.

Most men (and maybe even uneducated women) think that the best pleasure comes from internal penetration.  They don’t even know where the clitoris is located or how important it is to a females sexual anatomy.

The sexier you talk to him – the crazier you’ll make him, in a good way!  You know how we women out talk men with our millions of words each day? Well guess what.  He wants to hear every last word – he’ll literally HANG on every last word, when you’re talking in the bedroom. You will be blown away by the power of your words and how they seem to be directly linked to the pleasure he feels, and the pleasure he gives.

I struggled with this a lot at first.  I was able to show him all the goods and explain what feels good but when we were in the act, I couldn’t seem to ask for what I wanted, give suggestions, or use “sexy talk.”  I kept thinking, “I know how much men HATE to be told what to do.  And the last thing I want to do is muddy our marriage bed by bossing him around.”  I bulked when someone told me, the bossier the better.  I even sympathetically smiled at my husband when he told me to command him around thinking he was trying so hard to be kind to me all the while believing he was not truly serious.  But I was wrong.  And I’m so glad I gave in, and gave it a shot.

I saw a Pinterest pin that said “No man wants to be bossed around, except in the bedroom.”  And it’s true.

The moral of the story? Sometimes in life you might need to convince yourself to do something good for you, even though your desire to do it is low. Apply that to the bedroom — be purposeful about actually having (more) sex, showing him what’s up down there, actively talking about pleasure and desires, and learning how to reach true genuine orgasm.

It will get easier, and it’ll turn sexier and more fun each time you hit the bedroom if you just give it a shot once.

Practical Application:

If you’ve never done this before, you have homework tonight.

Set some mood lighting (dim lights, candles, moonlight) get undressed, and show your man around. Be sure to use plenty of words, and TAKE YOUR TIME.  Sex is not a race.