Tag Archives: trustworthy

Can I trust you?

2 Oct

Confession time.  Ugh I hate these days.

I’m not wasting time with a big introduction to this post, we’re digging right in.

One way I feel intense intimacy in my marriage is when I feel like my husband tells me things or does things with me that he doesn’t do with anyone else.  I feel like I share him with so many people and I honestly struggle with that.  It makes me really jealous and bitter.  Oh heck, I’ve already been about as honest as I can get on this blog… I might as well go all the way.  I detest that he works with females on a daily basis.

I don’t care if they are old, young, fat, skinny, pretty or ugly.  Doesn’t matter.  They are female and they get to spend time with my husband that he isn’t spending with me, seek his advice, look for his approval, and meet needs he has at work.

So any time that I feel like I get a one up on them, I feel more secure in my marriage and I feel intense love and attraction to my husband.

I’m sure like most men, my husband doesn’t talk about his feelings very often.  I wish he would more, but he is never going to be female.

However, I have been wacked upside the head with a 2 x 4 in the last month and I suppose it is time to confess… because chances are, someone else out there relates to this mess. And I believe scripture tells us to confess our sins publicly.  When we bring darkness to light, we tap into power we don’t have when we keep sins hidden.

I’m not wasn’t trustworthy enough for my husband to be honest and real with me, which really just hurt me more in the long run.

Yes, I was part of my own problem, again. (Does this reality ever end?!!)

I haven’t honored my husband’s words with secrecy in the past.  Not that I would ever or have ever went around announcing everything he ever says or does to everyone and anyone, that’s extreme and not relevant to the point.

I have though shared too much with my girlfriends.  Never with a malicious heart.  Never with the intent to share too much.  Never with the intent to embarrass him.  Never with the intent to harm our trust.  Not even always with the intent to make him look bad, though I’m sure I meant to do that years ago.

I always felt like in order to paint the WHOLE picture when sharing a story, EVERY DETAIL was necessary.  And maybe in a very, very private intimate counseling session if there is a serious issue that needs addressed, that may still be true.  But that wasn’t the situation when I was sharing more than I should have.

Regardless of the “intent” behind my actions, they were wrong.

My husband’s respect, trust and intimacy with me is MORE IMPORTANT than my want to be heard and understood.

I realized I’m constantly looking for someone else to validate situations, make sense of them, tell me I’m on the right path, tell me they’ve been there too, instead of giving God a chance to talk or show me anything.  I have absolutely no patience with the Lord at all.  Something happens and I need to talk about it immediately, and I want IMMEDIATE communication back.

What a nasty list of sins I just described.  I haven’t been trustworthy, I’m jealous, I’m gossipy, I’m impatient, and I’ve made an idol out of communication.

This weekend I have no idea what made my husband open up to me, but he shared some stuff with me in a more intimate way than just our typical conversations.  INSTANTLY, I was fulfilled, intensely attracted to him, and felt very secure in our marriage.

I’m really thankful my husband is so forgiving.  I mean really, you just can’t know my wretched-ness from just these posts.  I’ve been writing from a place in the last 3 years that is entirely better than what he was married to for the first 7 years.

Practical Application:

I had to repent first to God and then also to my husband.  I had to confess that I wasn’t always trustworthy, and I haven’t always kept his words and actions between the two of us where they belong.

**Prepare yourself. Pray up before you do this.  It is very scary, embarrassing, and humbling to have to say all this out loud to your husband!!**

And here is the tricky part.  Live in such a way that makes myself trustworthy to him.  Provide an atmosphere that is safe and private so he can share his intimate side with me when he has something to share (which still may not be as often as I do.)

If the urge is there to talk about things that violate this new commitment, don’t talk.  Find something else to do.  Don’t call a girlfriend, don’t answer the phone, just find something else to do until I can be sure I won’t lost my footing in the moment.

If you’re in this boat, good luck! You’re not in this alone!